[MENTION=14857]fia[/MENTION] you are so sweet to us ENFPs
Myself, I feel very similar to @
Amargith in that I come to almost everyone very openly, and hope for a meaningful, positive relationship with everyone I meet. I am hypersensitive to subtle emotional signals, and make microadjustments in my communication with the other person as we interact. I genuinely really like people in general, and I try to appreciate each individual as they are, so that “special†attention you feel is completely accurate and genuine – and the more people I have it for doesn't make it any lesser with any individual in my eyes. I tend to give “more†when it seems well-received, not because of any personal preference. If it were up to me, I'd have strong connections with everyone.
I tend to pull back when -
I sense negative or disinterested responses to my interaction. Often I'll come back and try again, but I know that there are personality incompatibilities out there, and I try not to force it too hard. Aside from that, the only times I really actively avoid connection are when I believe people are acting unfairly or unkindly – if I'm distant or impatient with someone, that's pretty much always going to be the reason. Intentional disconnection occurs very, very rarely, and only after a lot of hurt. By that point it's usually not very nice on my end, either.
With many of my friendships that aren't particularly close -
It's usually because of major differences in ways of interaction - for example, I definitely tend to shy away from spending 1-on-1 time with people who are super-social and leave me on my own in the crowd, as well as from people who are very, very quiet, so that I always have to initiate. Sometimes it's also just as simple as very different interests and tastes in activities. Additionally, I suspect that because of my instinct stacking, at any one time I tend to have a handful of really close people and then a lot of not-super-close friends - I have trouble supporting a lot of close friendships at once because I focus so strongly on those few close people. I also tend to bond and let go of friendships organically, as we transition into different places in life. Many of my favorite friendships are the ones where we were close, but have been taken different directions by life, and when we reconnect, whether through facebook chat, annual events, or just arranged visits, we do so deeply and happily. I consider those people my lifelong friends, and more than welcome their interaction with me.
For my "special-er" relationships -
I think they often form because someone responds to me in a way that indicates that they're looking for something deeper, too. I've been thinking about what my closest friends tend to have in common for a good while now, and I think it has to do with very strong "meta" views on life, being very in touch with what they want long-term, what their ideals or principles are, and just a general sense of importance when it comes to life, goodwill, and human wellbeing. That, plus natural interpersonal compatibility with me, of course. And there are also some people I just enjoy being around - like my two favorite coworkers, one probably ESFJ 9w1 so/sx who is just sassy and fun to talk to, then the other probably ESFP 7w8 sx/sp who has absolutely no filter. They're special to me because I enjoy their company the most, though I have no idea if I'm special to them.
In any case, it seems like there's a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to ENFP attention, in terms of who we especially like and who we don't. I've heard so many ENFPs saying how someone thought they like-liked them when they really didn't, and I've experienced that myself. But when someone is “special-er†to me, I feel like there are definitely little signals you can pick up on, little indications of extra caring - I stick around to talk to them a little longer, I go out of my way to interact with them, I tell them things I don't tell everyone else, and I tend to seek them out and stay with them in a crowd. I get their phone number, facebook, working hours, or other means of contact. I wait for them and let them take the lead, and I tend to linger instead of running off to the next thing. I put intentional effort into the relationship, instead of just letting it flow where it will. In a romantic context, I actually tend to draw away when I really like someone, because the relationship has stopped being a lighthearted game and has become something serious, worth time, effort, and worry!
highlander said:
my experience, as limited as it is, leads me to believe that acceptance of who they are is the single most important thing and that any criticism, especially unfair criticism, is rather toxic. ENFPs notice everything and any kind of subtle dissapproval is quickly noticed. They will always flit from one person to another (in a sense scattering their attention to others) but there are people they will always come back to that they continue to make an effort to stay in touch with. Those are the ones they really care about.
I think criticism is mainly a problem with us because it's often accompanied by assumption, negativity, and condescension. It's not so much criticism in and of itself that's off-putting as much as it is the attitude of coldness and disdain that can accompany it. My ESFP coworker can be critical, but she's very genuine and straightforward about it, and she criticizes herself too. My boss is often very critical as well, but he's equal-opportunity critical, and very T about it. If the criticism is just for jokes, for my own benefit, or because I need to work harder on something, then I don't mind it. I have a very strong feel on if a person is "with me" or "against me", and I definitely shy away as soon as I catch any hint of against.
And yes, if I make an effort to keep in touch, I care.
fia said:
I wanted to be sparkly and fun like her, but the combination of feeling badly about my mentor and admiring and feeling invested in wanting to be friends with her made me shut down. As an introverted N-dom, I can at times match the sparkle, imagination, and fun, but can't keep it up and feel like my introverting times must be a disappointment. Perhaps I pick up with empathy on that feeling of needing acceptance and non-judgment, and so end up putting forth my own fears and flaws.
Actually, I really don't mind it when people are feeling down. Not because I don't want them to be happy, but it doesn't upset my internal equanimity. I truly enjoy listening to people's hurts and worries, and helping them feel better. Nothing about someone feeling down or scared or worried would make me less attracted to them, as long as they didn't aim negativity at me. (Anger is a little more challenging for me personally to handle, though, I'd rather not do that.) I actually often take pleasure in those times because of their opportunity for even deeper or more genuine connection due to the level of trust and empathy involved.