Adasta said:
From what I can gather, ENFPs are usually very social. You enjoy teasing out what makes each person an individual. Yet there seems to be this inherent, insidious fear that no-one really understands you. So you're trapped: always talking to others, giving bits of yourself away to learn more about them, but never offering up the piece you truly want to share. Is it that you secretly don't want people to understand you and that, like the Ancyent Marinere, you quite enjoy your existence, doomed as you are to talk to people for the rest of your life but never fully share your tale?
lol, somewhat. a lot of times people don't really seem like they're interested in it or that they care enough about me for me to trust them with deep things about myself. clearly you've noticed ENFP interactions can be somewhat one-sided, with the non-ENFP being the main object of attention. if the other person doesn't deliberately engage me, too, i'll generally shy away from deep exchange. it's not that i don't want people to understand me, but it's that i don't consider it worth telling them if they're not going to care about it the way i do.
How does this, then, relate to your romantic life? I've sensed with ENFPs in the past that, if they are attracted to me, it's because they are really interested in the well of emotions/thoughts/feelings that I keep inside. I think the INFP brand of self-control coupled with our quixotic nature (Ne-ness, I suppose) is highly appealing in the same way that the ENFP happy fun-timeness is appealing to us; we both enjoy the other's strengths.
yeah, i believe that. i love contrasts between people. i really enjoy looking at differences and playing those strengths.
At times they would have me go off on one about a subject I loved and then, after I'd finished, stare at me all doe-eyed. I think they were a bit impressed by the depth of my thought/feeling on the subject; perhaps they were intrigued by the Ne-ness of it all, or perhaps they weren't used it from others. I quite liked this response because I felt like we had connected on a personal level, but then they would just flit off and start talking to ESTXs who were totally different to me! I started to think "Hmm...maybe they don't really like me." Because ENFPs are so social, I began to think "Maybe she just likes me as a friend; she really belongs with the ESXX crowd anyway." It's confusing to see an ENFP girl at the centre of a crowd of ESXXs who are clearly vying for her attention in an alpha-male way, while she is obliviously flitting around thinking "Gosh, everyone is sooo lovely!" The naivety is both endearing and frustrating. It's like you never see the bad in others and always look for the good, even if it isn't really there.
well, honestly, we're kind of used to digging that sort of thing out of... well, anyone. it's quite satisfying, but it's not all that unusual. i don't mean to downplay the depth of your thought, but honestly we tend to get personal connection from everyone - i almost feel like it's somewhat of a sprinkle-fairy-dust game, the ENFP interacts, hits the personal "core" of things - you get the other person to light up - and then you're satisfied and move on. it's totally "gosh everyone is so lovely". given, i do see how this is somewhat unfair and could even hurt the other person if they think there's more between us than there actually is, but this is pretty much the way i've always interacted, and most people seem to very much appreciate it.
as for the bold, guilty as charged. it's so much easier to see the good. the bad can almost always be easily excused by circumstance.
So, then, in what ways are you shy? How do you want people to connect to you as 1) friends and 2) lovers? It seems like ENFPs put themselves out there to everyone and think "Argh, I hope s/he secretly realises I like him the best, despite the fact I am acting the same with everyone" whereas INFPs think "Argh, I hope s/he secretly realises s/he's the object of my affection, despite the fact I can't ever express myself openly because I might look silly or be laughed at."
shy in the way that i'm very slow to reveal my full self to others. very, very few people know my full self - i'd say maybe 5 people really know the full me: my mom, dad, brother, grandma, and boyfriend. my best friend knows me pretty well but there are even still some facets hidden from her.
it's actually interesting in that with me you'll see a difference in how i treat the people i like, but it's the opposite of what most would expect. i get more withdrawn and serious when i really like someone, because i become very cautious and calculating - totally different from my usual flirty self. actually it's quite funny because around my boyfriend i'm probably less flirty than i am with other guys at work. but the flirty is a superficial version of me - it's the fairydust me. it's totally about the other person, and about getting them to light up. with my boyfriend i don't play that same game (though i do of course love to make him happy) because we are so close that we're already on that hyperpersonal level. he's already lit up. we're both lit up by one another. it's lovely.
PinkIceTD said:
But, as you said, I (ENFPs) can do that with everyone. BUT, if that person begins to respond to my interest and starts to ask questions about me and my tastes, then that spikes my emotions even more and then I'm self conscious about coming on wayy too strong and scaring them away. And in some situations I can be concerned with them getting to know who I am, decide it's not what they want and moving on. i take it way too personally. So I can be shy in that way.
I want people to connect to me by sharing information about themselves and if I share something in return, especially if I consider it embarrassing, to let me know that your opinion of me has not changed. I have no idea if that makes sense.
this, totally.
adasta, i hope i answered your question well enough. basically the dichotomy is that i'm quite openly social, but it's a one-way exchange. i'm very good at engaging other people and getting to the heart of what they're interested in. but i'm quite shy in terms of talking about my real interests, and things that are very important to me. i feel very self-conscious leading a conversation about myself or my interests - if i'm leading, i can't spend my time gauging the other person for their interest. and i can't get my "fix" in terms of lighting them up. so my default is to be social, and it's only when approaching the border of becoming truly close with someone that i will become more withdrawn and shy.
as for partners, i like very straightforward and adamant people. a person who will let me know they want me, reassure me that they're okay with whoever i am, and make it clear that they're interested in me. that footing allows me to open up and really be my full self, and not hide anything, which is a pretty amazing experience. and that footing also allows me to get away from being shy with them.