What attracted me...
When I was growing up I always knew I was different and that I didn't fit in with the typical guys. I was also very gifted, got perfect grades, but was also the class clown. I didn't go on a field trip until like 6th grade.
Intellectually, I found school to be boring. I could probably have handled 4th grade material in first grade but had disciplinary issues and also would not have had the "presence" of a fourth grader. I always liked girls... chased them, touched their boobies. Was generally sad most of the time.
In high school, though I played football one year (my dad made me). I wasn't exactly popular with the ladies. I had one girlfriend who was really fat, and a horndog, she approached me. Given my hormones I was apt to take what I could get... I got kicked out of gifted class in 8th grade for disrupting it all the time. Slacked through high school (slept most of the time in class and still got good grades).
College came... got horrible grades (as I was used to slacking and still getting decent grades) though I did ok considering I skipped 90% of my classes, and just showed up for the midterms and the finals. Fat HS girlfriend was still @ "home" and would have billion hour phone conversations about how I was out partying and having sex with a million girls (I wish)... she was terribly annoying. Didn't know how to talk to girls or be assertive or a "player" with girls.... why should I have to be? Why not just be myself and have a girl like me for who / what I am?
So I met this girl on a MUD (multi-user dungeon) this is pre-WWW pre-mosaic (or about that time) and we hit it off. She hated her bf, I hated my gf... we got close. I was happy a girl was interested in me and could actually have a somewhat decent conversation. We met. I dumped the HS gf.
I was very shy. She was very outgoing, resolute, and a number of things but I would say that she may have been too much so... a few people thought she was my mom when they met her due to how she dressed, her demeanor, and what I might call her "projected age".
I fell in love with her because she took an interest in me and wanted me to be a better person. She helped me to socialize more. It wasn't until I met her that I started to change my appearance (I used to wear gym shorts and a t-shirt all the time). She dressed me in Polo, Nautica, sweaters, khakis, you name it. I started going to class and getting a good bit of A's and B's and a few C's here and there. Girls started to notice me a bit. She started pushing for an engagement... as I thought to myself I had found heaven as she was so into me. I was hesitant but loved her and didn't see any reason that we shouldn't be married.
She ended up moving home (8 hours away for awhile when she was in graduate school). We stayed together. I was supposed to move where her family was but got an amazing job opportunity in my area. She moved out here and as soon as we are living together the arguments were insanity... a constant struggle over not spending on credit cards and "control" issues... saying I wanted to control her, insisted on her name being first on the checking account. We'd hang out with friends and have ridiculous arguments... why can't you be more manly like so and so? Why can't you be more feminine like his wife? Sexual issues... money issues... needless arguing over everything.
I was on a decent track career wise... as a consultant. I was typically one of the most highly utilized consultants but also wasn't the aggressive trail blazing kind of guy... I was more behind the scenes. Then the arguments over "we're never going to have a house"... which led me to point out the credit card issues. Our friends made about the same as us and were able to save for a house... "but the house is made of plastic and not brick and its really small"...
I never figured I could get another girl, so I stayed with her... thinking that since I was infinitely flexible she'd become flexible over time and "grow" with me. It has been a constant battle of wanting more and more, whether it be status or money, or time spent, or don't you have something better to do than play video games or read...
I thought she'd change. We get married. Fight about money all the time and I pretty much felt like all I ever did was try to conform to her in whatever way necessary to make her happy. I thought about leaving her, but loved her, and decided if I was going to make it work that I had to make more money. I was making about $72k a year, she was making maybe $40k and we couldn't save a dime to our names, much less have the conversation as to how important it was. I think her mother (who never accepted me in the beginning) had a lot to do with injecting things into her daughter as to how she should be treated, provided for, etc.
I constantly looked at other women... lusting for softness.
I start consulting independently, making upwards of $200k a year... find myself a bit... not overly aggressive but certainly not a wallflower at all. I was very assertive in my field of expertise. She "made me" she says. Perhaps she did... the way that a bit of sand makes a pearl inside of a clam. Buy a big gigantic house... trying to make ends meet to keep her happy. Still wasn't enough... someone had to "do it"... meaning "make us successful". At that point in time I figured I had made it... and couldn't really do much better than I was doing w/o a ton more work and it was "enough" for me.
So she wants to start these franchises. So I support her through it to get her the F off my back. This of course was the biggest nightmare to come as it involved her family. The businesses all struggle over a few years... the credit cards were still crazy all the time... I got cut back in my contracts a bit. I try to find ways to "make it all work" to no avail. All I ever wanted was a small, one step at a time life, with a cute little horny wife and maybe a cat and have fun on weekends interacting with other intellectuals, and a family. At this point I'm so deep I feel there is no escape... to leave now would be horrible. So we try having a baby... we had issues... she gets pregnant... our finances are terrible... the businesses are terrible... I let her stay home for two years to raise our amazing son. Stress, 2.5 hours of driving a day, finances, bills, boss at work killing my spirit, boss at home killing my spirit, do not feel alive, do not feel joy, do not feel anything.
End up freaking out, start having affairs with young softer women who the wife labels as "whores who just want me for my money" (which may or may not be the case because I don't even know what is REAL anymore). Lots of amazing sex. Lots of laughs. I leave one for another, an artist girl who I'm still seeing. I quit my job. Been out of work for 9 months, wife has a boyfriend now. Still in the house. I adore my child to no end. I'm tired of being so money focused. I lust for color, passion, and creativity. I just need someone to hold me and somehow to make it all go away.
Lessons learned:
- I should have had a vagina
- Women should be sent back to the dark ages
- Masturbating in peace can be a life worth living
- Nihilism is very dark and depressing