Sometimes my disinterest in other people's minor problems causes me to come off like a jerk. I can see it on their faces. That is an area that sometimes causes a little bit of social trouble for me. And I have no problem pulling down the "I'm invincible and totally have life all figured out" curtain and talking about my issues.
Know what you are doing here, what is really unhealthy?
You are devaluing yourself. You are suggesting that your comfort in a social situation is less important than the other person's. Why are you doing that?
Because 1) you buy into all the crap about "what is unlikeable about INTPs"
2) you actually have more consideration for others than the average person.
Unless you are a servile doormat 24*7, some people are going to dislike you (even if you are, some will dislike you for that). You can't please all of the people.
I see no evidence of your being a jerk in the OP. Either you've phrased it more innocuously than it actually went down, or you are being too hard on yourself.
If anyone needs to question themselves, it's "guy". I think
he was being a selfish jerk. Moaning about the $5 a month it costs to water his lawn when you've just told him that your hours have been cut. He turned the conversation confrontational, he made the atmosphere unpleasant. Reread it, and try being a bit kinder to yourself. Extreme self-criticism is a common fault of INTPs. This is your first problem.
We seem to think we are ultimately responsible for everything in our environment. That if we can perfect ourselves we can perfect all our interactions. It's a kind of inverted arrogance.
I don't have to care about his $5/month increase, but if you asked the guy his opinion of me, it'd be cool if he said something like, "that INTP is a pretty decent guy" ---------> instead of, "that guy is a prick."
This is your second. If his conclusion from that exchange is that you are a prick, then there is something wrong with him, not you. Why do you care what he thinks of you? If you have to be disingenuous in order to attain his good opinion, is it worth it? And can you be sure that he has formed such a negative opinion? Perhaps you are overreacting?
Because I was a prick in my conversation with the guy
You weren't. Stop beating yourself up, because, see what happens? All these actual, 24-carat jerks join in to help you. There is a disturbing masochism to all these come-hate-on-INTs threads.
Eh, people are reacting far too strongly to the OP's story, IMO. Sure, we all have to play along and listen to people's boring stories. I end up doing that a LOT. I think it's okay to occasionally react truthfully to the fact that lawn guy is being a little ridiculous complaining about something that is ultimately not that big a deal. Sometimes people don't realize how they're coming across, and won't unless people react honestly to them (using humor helps). How come other people get to bore us, and we have to pretend they don't?
Once again, the voice of wisdom and balance.
Reason #1. Playing devil's advocate (or challenging everything that another person says):
It really depends on your motives for challenging - are you trying to present a more reasonable way of thinking about a problem, or are you just looking for an argument?
I'm challenging your perceptions here, but I do so with good intentions, not because of silly oneupmanship or contrariness. The ability to question everything and produce clear, reasoned arguments rather than nodding along like a toy dog is a gift. Unfortunately, that same critical eye turned inwards to negative rumination can be a curse.
Real conversation I had recently:
Guy: Hey, we got some rain lately!
INTP: Yep!
Guy: I won't have to water my lawn for a while now.
INTP: Oh?!
Guy: Well, I don't water it anyways because the water in this town is so expensive. If it doesn't rain, I just let my lawn die.
INTP: Water? Expensive?
Guy: Heck yes it's expensive.
INTP: How expensive could it really be?
Guy: Well, let's just say that 2 summers ago I didn't water my lawn very often. Then last summer I decided to water it to keep it green and I compared my bills from the previous summer and my bills were about $5 more per month! Just to water my lawn occasionally!
INTP: So 5 bucks is expensive?
Guy: Well, yeah! How would you like to find out that your hours at work are going to be cut and that you'd be making less money from now on?
INTP: Well, my hours just did get cut last week, but all I'm saying is that it would seem to me that if keeping your lawn green is something that's important to someone, then $5 per month would be well worth it.
At this point, the guy clearly seemed frustrated. I felt kind of bad as we parted ways, but I'm not sure what other approach I could have taken.
It's a little bit like the frustration that people felt after a conversation with Socrates. When you challenge someone's flawed assumptions they don't always take it with good grace. Most people just want to have their ears tickled. Do you want to be a populist ear-tickler or do you want to be true to yourself? That is the question.
Why did you feel bad? What were your motives for saying what you did? Perhaps you were frustrated with the tone of the conversation and wanted to passive-aggressively turn that frustration back on its source? That is something INTPs have a habit of doing. That would be worth feeling bad about. But if you were sincere, then I don't see the problem.
I just flat out disagree with him and I wasn't mean about it, I just stated my case. 5 bucks isn't worth moaning about. And if it is, then just don't water your lawn. End of story. I almost wanted to say, "Keep watering your lawn. I'll send you 5 bucks every month in the mail." Is the cynicism and truthfulness downright rude? Arghhhh!!!
If you know you were not mean, then why all the agonizing? The fact that you didn't say what you wanted to say, demonstrates that you are able to check yourself, that you aren't walking around making needlessly offensive, prickish statements (which that certainly would have been).
Here are some examples of people who aren't able to check themselves:
Yes, of course that's annoying. Do you have Asperger's or something?
^ Yeah, this. Challenge something if it makes sense to challenge....don't challenge it without understanding the position first, just for the sake of.
I think the guy might have been frustrated because it seems that you were being contrarian just for the sake of, only to, at the end, point out the same conclusion he told you at the beginning of the conversation. It shows that you weren't truly listening to him, and/or understanding what he was saying. And that you were just trying to be smart with him (for an ego boost?).
It's like you basically repeating his original sentiment, in a way that makes it seem as if you had this insight while he didn't. Which truly wasn't the case.
I have had a few conversations with some INTPs where similar things happen. Without truly understanding what I'm trying to say, they question/oppose, only to state the same conclusion that I started off with, in a manner that seems as if they're telling me something new/insightful or different than what I was originally saying - which isn't the case. They just, in a roundabout, time-consuming way, came back to my original point. Frustrating.
You actually did nothing of the kind. She seems to be describing herself.
Here's another example:
Nah, more like "hey, he's being exactly the kind of needlessly hostile, arrogant ass that we've been talking about the entire thread, what a good demonstration"
Their psots in this thread are mostly indistinguishable from unhealthy intp's. which is quite funny because that is the target of their "advice" (which is really just an attempt to have an *argument* for the sake of it, which ironically is one of the very behaviours being criticised lololol haha).
Yes, well, they don't call it projection for nothing.