All I'm saying is that I'm not capable of believing simply because I want to, because I do want to. I'd love to be secure in the idea that there's a force above us all, that is looking out for our welfare and that there's a happy place reserved for me, eternally, after this life on earth. I could scrounge around to find teachings or place myself in the company of wise men who do believe, and that might reinforce the notion of this God, but at my core a legitimate faith would be lacking because I haven't experienced him personally.
It would take some personal act on God's part to convince me. He'd have to reveal himself in a way that computes with me. If he's all-powerful and all loving, why would he withhold? Beats me. People that I talk to who are believers want to tell me I'm doing something wrong. That all the clear signs and revelations are RIGHT THERE, but that I'm not trying or open to accepting it. Yeah, whatever.
All that to say, it's God's move. "The ball is in his court", so to speak. I'm not resistant, just extremely skeptical. I don't think that's a flaw on my part.
It is frustrating talking this subject with others for the reasons you have stated. I agree. I usually try to avoid it. I can't say exactly how I arrived at this mentality that I've got, but I'm here and it's pretty firmly held. What's a boy to do? I'm as lost as the next guy.
I dont believe that God exists to be invoked, that said your experience of faith is not uncommon, its also an age in which belief is much, much more difficult that disbelief (I dont consider that to be simply in the case of God or religion though).
I certainly dont believe that means that you're shut off from God, deserving of punishment, less of a person etc. Its strange to be that anyone, least of all Christians, would think or say so.
There are some signs and wonders perhaps, although I understand what you mean, you are desirous of something more than the mundanities of signs taken for wonders on a daily basis, perhaps you want a personal apparition or something? The thing is that it could all be taken for a delusion if it where even experienced, for the believer no proof is necessary, for the non-believer no proof will ever be enough.
I hope you dont think I've disrespected you or your beliefs. Cheers.