Salomé
meh
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2008
- Messages
- 10,527
- MBTI Type
- INTP
- Enneagram
- 5w4
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
I have the same stacking as you (5w4 sx/sp) and I can relate to a lot (though not all ) of what you are saying here.For me, my sx nature manifests itself as the selfish desire to know the minds of others. To peel their minds apart and get inside, and to become part of their thoughts. But I'm rather selfish, as I'll do this and give the impression that maybe I'm here to stay forever but that's not guarantee. I'll leave once I'm done with you and I won't feel bad about it if you move out of my life.
If I want to know you at all, I want to know you intimately. I want to know what it's like to be you. But that doesn't mean I want intimacy, and it certainly doesn't mean I'm offering any sort of commitment. It's driven by curiosity rather than affection. Sometimes affection happens as a result of that process, if I admire the person, but just as often disillusionment or indifference happens.
Was it your intention to dump this guy completely, or were you just preoccupied with new interests? I get the latter, the former I don't really understand. I can't bring myself to dump anyone unless they consistently behave like an asshole.I may not be able to hold on to people well, but I don't really need to either.
That said, the neediness thing is wearing. And if someone responded in that way (falling to pieces) I can understand why you would pull back. People who need constant reassurance and interaction become draining. It's actually more selfish to lean on someone in that way, despite what people are saying here. Yes, it might be normal, but that doesn't make it healthy. The healthiest way of being, I think, is much the way you are - open with everyone, not burdening them with your expectations and not allowing them to burden you with theirs. The problem (as someone pointed out to me recently) is that being very self-sufficient, one often attracts deeply needy people, who feed off your strength and try to sap you dry. And if you have issues with guilt, sometimes you allow them to do that for too long and just end up resentful and frustrated.
This is one of the best things about INTPs. Out of sight, doesn't have to mean out of mind. Giving someone the space to move away and do other things without reproaching them for "neglecting" you is healthy. I don't have a problem leaving people behind, because I don't need to have them in front of me all the time for them to matter to me. Once the connection is forged, it's there for good. I think not being needy makes you a better friend. Because I can advise and support the other person unselfishly, without giving any attention to what I might want. If I find myself becoming too attached, it's a signal to pull back, because what I'm actually doing is trying to assert my own desires - to take more than I'm prepared to give.the INTP-style part of me (vs the SX aspect) very much is capable, especially with other INTPs, of being in intense conversations and deep sharing, yet then separating and not seeing other for long periods of time without much distress or desire to get together even if we had loved being together.
And then as soon as we are within proximity again, it's like we never left.