Perceiving dominant types are probably more comfortable letting things go on in a half-way state. Unresolved and un-final. Judging dominant types like to conclude situations and are likely to form more clear definitions between people. There's something to be said for making a decision to one side or another. I feel better if matters are concluded. It lends clarity.
Yeah, this is true. Unfortunately, the way it sometimes plays out for me is I put up with way too much for too long, and then finally I can't take it any more and it all builds up and I slam that door hard. Or at least close it very firmly.
But sometimes that's for the best - it's just that I may have suffered damage leading up to it. I'd rather have my relationships with others clearly defined, that's for sure.
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this.
My thought, as an NF and N dom, is to distance yourself absolutely as much as possible. Don't check out anything of hers online - in fact, maybe avoid facebook for a while - try to avoid her entirely at church, etc. Not in a hiding sort of way, but in the way that your mind-connections will begin diminishing. If there are things that remind you of her, try to make new connections for those things with other feelings and experiences. Let your mind fade her out. Then eventually you will be able to think of her emotionally much in the same way as you can think of an ex, with a sort of neutral distance, and less stirring of emotion despite an awareness of strong emotion in the past.
Thanks!
Yeah...I'm kind of doing most of that already, though I like your comments about changing thoughts/associations with this person. I do hate losing people even if it's for the best. And I think, although I haven't had an unhealthy obsession with her, I became somewhat obsessed with "if I just hang in there long enough, I can help her climb out of this destructive behaviour."
At the moment I really kind of dislike her, but that's what I usually go through before I get to the desired neutral/not really caring feeling that I need to have toward someone in this situation. I'm definitely not an sx-first but I'm pretty sure I'm sp/sx and one of the things I relate to in sx is feeling closely bonded to people, sometimes to an over-invested and almost obsessive degree, even if it is purely a friendship and not at all romantic (I definitely only like men!). So I go through anger and grieving and those sorts of things when things go wrong. The feelings aren't overwhelming like it would be in a romantic situation but they are definitely there at least somewhat.
I can understand feeling the need to keep an eye on these things because she’s a potential threat. I know a lot of times when I get the feedback to ‘stop paying attention’ because it’s causing undue grief, it’s hard to explain that I’d rather keep an eye on the potential threat and have an ongoing ‘risk assessment’ going on in my head than be surprised by something further down the road. I’ll realize the “threat†may be no greater than this person spreading stories or spinning some weird delusion to friends….but I can’t stand emo surprises and would prefer to know the moment it starts. (I think people who aren't as thrown off their game by surprises like this don't understand the need to keep one eye the status this person's craziness, but I don’t really consider that stalkerish.)
Gah, I hate the delayed emo reactions! I get them too. [edit:] I’ll be understanding at first, but once I catch on to something being a consistent problem (and especially if the other person takes no responsibility for the grief it causes or amount of energy it sucks out of me)- then the weight of all the prior offenses catches up to me and I feel it with every new incident.
It sounds like you’ve done every possible sort of ‘reasoning’ with this person, and she doesn’t respond to any of it- and I know that a lot of times I can get sucked into thinking “well maybe this is simple and straightforward enough that the person will be open to hearing itâ€- but no matter how sane your words are, it’s all just *attention* to her and if you give her ANY *attention* it’ll just encourage her to keep throwing her craziness at you. I think you already know this, I’m just throwing it out as a reminder. As long as she doesn’t pose any physical threat, no matter how blatantly annoying or passive-aggressively antagonistic she gets, she WILL get sick of doing it eventually if it doesn’t get her the slightest bit of attention. It’s truly stunning how people like that become absolute masters at figuring out what to say or do to make others lash out or feel the need to say something in return/defend themselves- but it’ll pass eventually if there’s no return on her efforts.
Yep, I relate to a lot of this! (as usual!). I do think I need to keep a bit of an eye on her but not in a way that I allow myself to be obsessive about. I totally agree about "the weight of all the prior offenses/incidents" catching up, too. And sometimes it only hits me full force after I've extricated myself. I think even when I was giving her the "our friendship is OVER" speech, a little part of me thought that way down the line, maybe years down the line, we might have a friendship if she could be healthy - because there are things I like and find interesting about her, and I sure invested a lot. But now I have more of the clarity that comes with stepping back, and honestly I am 99% sure I never want her in my life in any major way again. I think she is likely to have very unhealthy attachment issues and so on for her whole life, and nothing in our interactions ever indicated to me that there was a chance of her being able to have a normal non-obsessive friendship with me.
At the moment a bit of time has elapsed but not a huge amount. So I think she is still obsessed, but I am not giving any indication of being interested in her or responding to anything she does. I think if I stand firm on that - which is a lot easier for me now - it will help a lot. Although, given that I have an internet presence that I can't really block her from entirely, some degree of obsession may continue. I want to say "maybe she'll move on to someone else" but I really feel for that hypothetical person!! It would be nice if someone of my efforts paid off and she ended up semi-normal...but it's not my problem now and I shouldn't hold my breath.