Fwiw Animal...I could easily put you into the 7 camp. Your experience (going off of my interpretation of your post)...it majorly 7.
Yay!
I have my father in one ear telling me "There is a good side to this! Get over yourself!" and the 4ish devil in the other telling me "Everyone else has it better than you" "your genius was robbed from you " this isnt fair" "you are hopeless and pathetic" "no one could ever love you the way you are" "stop blaming your illness, this is beyond illness, you are just fundamentally fucked up, pathetic, worthless" …etc.
(Most of this doesn't happen in words, but I'm better at getting it into words now that I'm on such websites.)
We've actually discussed this many times here. Many 7 get stricken with physical issues because they are ignoring the emotional. Again, this is very, very common. Your struggles merely made you... no longer capable of fleeing in the ways you did prior.
I was always so stuck in my emotions… absurdly so. Having a chronic illness at 16 put my teenage "problems" into perspective. Like "the world is bigger than my emotions." (Although that message fails to stick. I'm still intent on being "true to myself," "following my heart," digging to navigate and express all my emotions, live my life as a symbol of my emotions, etc. I am also helpless to my emotions, still, at the tender age of 33.)
I definitely would not get sick from stuffing emotions. I have, however, made myself sick from emoting TOO mcuh and focusing so much on my rejection and anger and sadness and heartache that I actually get a fever , lose hair, or break out.
Also, this is a very separate issue from chronic illness, which has no correlation with emotions one way or the other in my case. I do think that emotional state has correlation with illness, but that's a whole different conversation than my chronic illness, which I actually handle very well, and according to tests I should be much sicker than I am. The only times I make myself sicker is when I'm overly emotional.. never from ignoring. But I didn't get sick in the first place for this reason - I just have a serious illness.
The same thing happened to me.
What happened to you, if I may ask?
Re: Clementine
I can relate to her feeling like she's being used for someone's happiness. I've written many times on forum: I'm a tornado, not a wife. To quote myself recently: "I am more than an artist, muse, animal & dreamer. I am also a woman, human & friend. Now that I accept this, my heart cannot mislead me."
Unlike Clementine, I am not nearly confident enough to say to a man, "If you're with me, you're with me." I expect to get rejected. I put him on a pedestal and place myself below him, mentally. I try to hide this, but I'm not good at being manipulative or fake, so I just end up saying nothing, withdrawing, feeling not enough, writing songs, wishing he would understand, wishing he would show up and rescue me and break me out of my castle walls; but not feeling confident enough to just call him because I might "annoy him" or "take up his time." I admire the fuck out of women like Clementine who can just say, right off the bat, "You're with me if you're with me. I won't tolerate bullshit."
She knows her worth.
I know my worth too. But the minute I feel for someone, he's on a pedestal and all my objective knowledge about myself goes to shit. Suddenly I feel small, worthless, flawed, unworthy. I feel insignificant next to all the things in his life that are more valuable - his passions, his other friends, his exes. I don't make a show of these feelings, but I find myself not knowing what to say, what to do. The problem for me isn't low self-esteem, but rather, having too powerful feelings and seeing my feelings as "reality," larger than life. Getting lost in my feelings, consumed.