Vasilisa
Symbolic Herald
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2010
- Messages
- 3,946
- Instinctual Variant
- so/sx
I haven't read all the responses to this thread. The OP reminds me of a reply I wrote elsewhere on the forum.
I, too, am fortunate enough to have an ISFJ friend who can show remarkable loving presence by just listening and understanding. Its funny, since ISFJs get tagged as kind of practical fixers, you'd think she'd be instructing or assisting in some other way, but she understands me well that way. I think both of us have had to take a lot of guff in life for being so sensitive, and that might be why we understand how important sympathetic validation can be. This is why I feel upset when people allege that SJs don't have such depth of feeling or sensitivity.
If I put myself in the place of my own ENFP friend who has done the kind of thing SilkRoad describes, I know that it does come from a place of empathy and genuinely wanting to help by sharing what works for him. Its just tough to hear that and not feel invalidated when I am already feeling sensitive about troubles as it is, and then to inform him that isn't what I need risks a whole new conversation that could have possibility for conflict. So, I understand its a hard situation to deal with in those moments.
I've found that sometimes, more than cheer or advice or instruction or distraction people want most to be heard. I can vouch for myself. Personally, sometimes I just want to know that another person sees me for who I am, hears me speak from my hearts depth, understands what I am transmitting, and even feels me. It makes it seem possible that somehow I'm not isolated within my own cells. It makes me believe that all of us, though individual, aren't each a universe apart.
I've noticed this in life, and applied it. Of course, I have that tendency to want to offer up advice and all my clever suggestions. I don't enjoy anyone's pity party or wallowing or acting a victim, nor do I seek to encourage those things. But there is a strain that I can detect in people from time to time, and I recognize it as someone just desperately longing to be heard. Maybe I should say felt, because its beyond just listening. It isn't always easy to just be there quietly and experience painful feelings with another, but sometimes that recognition is precisely what a sad spirit needs. Perhaps because its so difficult, it partly explains the reflexive desire many people have to immediately turn it off, make it go away, shut it up, fix it. Or perhaps they don't perceive the way I do at all, that is entirely possible.
Whats wonderful is that it can be such a profound act of love. People seem to feel better after connecting like that. It's not the same as venting or dumping. But it can still be taxing for me and therefore requires discretion.
I certainly don't want gloom to replace pleasant as the preferred attitude for public interaction. But I do have compassion for a hurting person who might not be able to conceal his or her mental pain at a certain moment. And just the basic act of letting someone know that you notice them and really hear what they say can be such a validating act of kindness. It can fortify them more than all the distractions and all the instructional words of advice in the world.
I, too, am fortunate enough to have an ISFJ friend who can show remarkable loving presence by just listening and understanding. Its funny, since ISFJs get tagged as kind of practical fixers, you'd think she'd be instructing or assisting in some other way, but she understands me well that way. I think both of us have had to take a lot of guff in life for being so sensitive, and that might be why we understand how important sympathetic validation can be. This is why I feel upset when people allege that SJs don't have such depth of feeling or sensitivity.
If I put myself in the place of my own ENFP friend who has done the kind of thing SilkRoad describes, I know that it does come from a place of empathy and genuinely wanting to help by sharing what works for him. Its just tough to hear that and not feel invalidated when I am already feeling sensitive about troubles as it is, and then to inform him that isn't what I need risks a whole new conversation that could have possibility for conflict. So, I understand its a hard situation to deal with in those moments.