I'm not ENFP, but my functions are the same and I relate a lot to the ENFP in the OP, so here we go. (So much to address! I'll do my best to organize my thoughts.)
To the OP: Yes, I think it's type-related. Fidelia and I have had many conversations on the Ask an ESTJ thread (to which you can find a link in my signature
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) that relate to Te vs. Fe comforting styles. And just like skylights said, I think the ENFP would be horrified if she knew that she came across to you as invalidating your feelings. Te folks are people too, and just like anyone else, we hate it when people appear to be trying to invalidate our feelings. (I've been in that exact situation.
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You're not alone.)
You mentioned wanting "gentle suggestions" in the OP, and that's exactly what the ENFP was trying to give you. It's just that Te and Fi types don't really know how to sugarcoat it. We don't always know how to put empathetic language into our comforting words. Like LadyX's comment (which fidelia agreed with), our feelings, the stronger they are, the more we keep them inside - so, ironically, the more we empathize with a friend, or the more we worry or care about them, the less we will show it. I know it doesn't make sense, but think of it like this: the closer you get to someone, the less of a "mask" they will have with you. Which means: with a Te/Fi or Fi/Te friend, they'll stop wearing an Fe mask, presuming that you understand, since you're close friends now, that you won't take offense by the lack of Fe, and you'll know that they still care very deeply about you.
But to be a little more on topic... here's the Te comfort style, summarized. (Sorry if this doesn't apply to ENFPs
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I hope it does. I don't know enough of you irl to know the difference.)
A friend comes up to me and tells me about this terrible situation she was in. Just like fidelia said (sorry i keep repeating her! she's very thorough and very right), I want to comfort her the way I would want to be comforted - you know, the golden rule and all that. And the Te way of approaching a really frustrating problem is to want to fix it as soon as possible. Bad feelings are bad, and something to be avoided, so it's a self-protection mechanism: "I'm feeling terrible, and I want this terrible feeling to go away, so I'll find the source of the feeling and get rid of it." Therefore, I hear my friend's problem, and because I care, my first instinct is to want to help her deal with the issue - because, in my mind, that's what's most important. Superficial comforting and patting on the back can only get you so far; it's dealing with the symptom and not the problem. So, I start trying to gather information - "Did you try this? What was the response? How about this?" - etc. I can see how this would be very frustrating if you just wanted to be comforted in the traditional fashion, but for Te/Fi people (or at least, for me), we don't relate as well to venting, and we don't vent as often, and therefore we don't expect people to vent as much as they do.
So, one thing that an INFJ I know has started doing with me (and with others), is prefacing her horror-stories with "I'm just venting here, and I'm not looking for advice, so just hear me out." And that works well with me
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And one thing that I, as a Te/Fi person, very much appreciate, is when the person who's venting ends the venting story with exactly what they plan to do to solve the problem. Maybe it's just that this was what I was trained to do, as the daughter of an INTP who is also very problem-solving oriented, but it always makes me feel better about the stories that people vent at me. Otherwise, I feel like they're completely stuck, and have no idea what to do, and are trying to look to their friends for help.
In other words:
I think what they're doing is what it would take for themselves to feel better. They need to either be able to solve the problem, or minimize it in their own heads (it looks like) so that it is more manageable and no longer bothers them in the same way. They are trying to help you do that for yours. They assume you wouldn't voice the problem unless you need something outside of your own capability to provide, as that's how they tend to do things. Your venting is a call to action for them.
... yeah. Now for more detailed responding:
Fe users are action/outcome-oriented and it feels to them like we're trying to impose a foreign solution without really understanding the nuances of what is going on.
This makes me sad
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My first instinct is to say "But we're just working with the information you give us! It's not our fault that you don't give us complete information!"
As a Te dom with TONS AND FRIGGIN TONS of INFJ friends (seriously, you have no idea), that's always been my biggest communication issue with them. They'll tell me about a problem, and they'll tell the minimum amount of information at the beginning (even if they were looking for advice, for the record), so we get interactions like this:
Them: (insert story here)
Me: Sounds rough. You should try this.
Them: I already did - didn't work.
Me: How about this other thing?
Them: Nope, didn't work. This is such a horrible situation.
Me: (now wanting to help them even more because they don't come across as having any sort of battle plan) Well how about this or this or maybe this other thing??
Them: None of those would work, because of this really huge thing that I didn't tell you about before.
Me (internally): God, you're making it hard for me to help you!
Anyhoo, the point of that anecdote was to show you that those differences are common, and it's not really the fault of either one. All that you need is mutual understanding of differences/etc, and there won't be a communication problem anymore. Or at least, the problem will be minimized.
it is a bit draining though, after a while, to listen to a lot of negative things without apparent solutions. i guess this is probably a Fi symptom... i get fidgety and frustrated.
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Yes. Exactly. Very well put.
I remember a time when I was maybe eleven or twelve, and my mom (INFJ) was venting to me about her job, and I asked her (in a very genuine and worried fashion) why she continued in her job when she obviously hated it so much. My mom was shocked, and told me (as if she thought it was obvious) that she really loved her job, more than almost anything in the world, but that she just didn't talk to me about the good things.
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Ah, type differences from a young age.
When the reaction seems dismissive, but the person has not asked any questions to clarify, we take it as one of these possibilities
1) Our problems seem insignificant to the person we are telling them to and they are trivializing something that is causing us deep pain (especially if we don't easily talk about unresolved stuff in the first place)
2) They think we are being whiny and therefore not worthy of time or thought being put into what is going on.
3) They don't care as much as we thought they did, or suddenly the balance of our willingness to listen and care seems out of proportion with theirs.
4) They don't feel that we have made enough "deposits" in the relationship to warrant the "withdrawal" of being negativity. We are too much for them.
5) They have misunderstood who we are 99% of the time and are basing their reactions off of this one time when we can't hold things together. What's more they are not even interested in hearing "our side" of things to see why we would behave so uncharacteristically.
This is also very sad.
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What would be the best thing for a Te type to do, to combat this? Should we just stop assuming that you'll tell us all the information up front? (That's always my problem; again, an issue because I usually try to be very in depth when I need problem solving help.) Should we ask you tons and tons of questions?
I've found that I cannot make negative emotions disappear until I have either tempered them with other emotions or with context that puts the situation/behaviour in perspective or until I have processed what happened, what my part was in it, what I can do about it now, how I will prevent that from ever happening quite that way again. That requires a lot of narrowing down, considering things from several points of view, looking for patterns, and extrapolating future possibilities. Sometimes you want someone to bounce those things off of or get a second opinion.
And this is what we're good at!
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And there's another thing that will make it easier for Te/Fi types to get the message - if you make it clear when you're asking for a second opinion.
Also, since I'm being such a Te voice right now, I might as well add that, on the opposite side of the venting miscommunication - as the Fe type is leaving the interchange feeling like they've been invalidated, sometimes the Te type will leave that same interchange feeling like they've been used. I find myself in those situations surprisingly often, where I'm oblivious to the fact that people are venting at me, and I spend all this time trying to help them, only for the person to figure out a solution on their own and then leave without acknowledging all of the energy I put into trying to be helpful and supportive. I'll end up feeling like I've been picked up, used as a sounding board, and thrown away without any acknowledgment.
But yeah - hope that helped a little
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I'm sorry you had that experience; it sucks, and I know from frequently being on the other side.