What I find disheartening though is...I'm starting to wonder how anyone ever achieves a successful relationship. Seriously. It seems as though there are so many things that have to align. Not just mutual attraction, connection, etc but both being prepared to be present and committed in the relationship; having similar ideas about what goes into a good relationship; having a very similar way of looking at the world, OR being prepared to make a massive effort to understand someone who might think very differently from you (or probably a bit of both); etc... It's a lot. There just seems to be so much potential for misunderstanding and resulting hurt in any kind of human relation, and especially in romantic relationships. I'm starting to find it all very daunting. And yet for some people it seems quite simple.
+1 I am not NF but I feel exactly the same way. It's hard not to get down about it.
Maybe the confrontation is worth it if you feel that a) a lot of resentment is building up inside you, and you should probably let them know about it in a reasonable manner before it explodes in an INFJ nuclear holocaust, and b) you do have an investment in the friendship and the person doesn't seem to be responding to that at all. SOmething like that.
I have a hard time putting this into practice in a healthy way, though!
at least you have the ability to open up like that... I concluded at a young age that people suck and I can't trust them like that, so I'm friendly and helpful, but somewhere in there a wall is up, and it's rather hard to get past that wall. The worst part is that my natural style appears to be friendly and open to other people apparently, so they think that they ARE in
I guess it's people like me who are the problem there and I appologize... it's a self defense mechanism
Thanks for your perspective Lark
Yeah, I think it's mainly emotional hurt that makes me want to avoid this. But I know what you mean about time, too. I think of them together sometimes. I find myself thinking or saying "I wasted all that emotion over that person...er, time...er, emotion...no, I mean time..."
It doesn't happen to me all that much, which I guess is a mercy. But when it does, it can be huge. I think it's partly the fact that I don't come across people who I want to invest or over-invest in all that much, that makes me over-invest when I find them...does that make sense? I don't see a lot of people with the potential for real closeness in friendship, I don't see a lot of men as romantic potential. That makes the investment, and the letdown, that much greater.
I can't stand melodrama either, though I have a very small number of friends I put up with a lot of it in. In those cases, it's because we have a friendship built up which I really value. Or I feel like I am doing them some good and the emotional drainage might therefore be worth it (like in the case of a depressed teen I've been befriending and helping out.) Or that person is there for me most of the time when I need them, despite the ongoing drama in their life! But in a way...although I keep drama in my external life to a minimum, sometimes I feel like there is quite a lot in my head. I over-dramatize situations, especially when I get to the point where I've been hurt. I've been thinking to myself that maybe I try to minimize drama in the outer life because I have enough to cope with in my head...
I am getting a little better, though. I can laugh at myself more. If someone disappoints me, I can think of past experience and say "well, it happened before, and it hurts, but you survive and move on." It's just age and experience partly. But I do feel bitter sometimes. I know it sounds totally woe is me, but I feel like I waste all this caring and emotional investment on people who are ultimately rather selfish and don't really care.
I know what you mean; I've definitely felt this way before.
I think one thing that might help, although it might not be the most 'pleasant' thing to face/think about, is to remember that our definition of 'love', or of 'connection', or of 'meaning', or of any number of other things, and the actions we take to demonstrate that or way we interpret the presence or lack of, is going to vary from one person to the next. That seems kind of obvious, but I think it's really, really easy to forget that. And I think it's when we end up projecting our own self onto others that we either misread things, or becoming hurt/disappointed. Some of it might be tied to expectations, too - if we think the other person should be getting the exact thing out of it that we are, or doing what we would do in the same situation, we're essentially wanting them to be us.
I think the other thing that's easy for us to do is to try too hard. I mean, I'm guilty of this too. I'm sure part of it's tied to hope, and it's not always a bad thing - especially if you're in a committed relationship and have already made that choice - means you'd fight all the harder to fix any issues that came up. But, earlier on, I think it means we have the tendency in us to try to 'force' a relationship when it just might not be what the other person really wants, or in the end it might not be what is really best for US, we just get caught up in the Idea of making it work - focusing on all of the positives, turning a blind eye on all of the negatives.
Anyway, it's never easy. Relationship/friendship-wise, It's *hard* to find something mutual, where both people are on board. Really hard. I think it gets harder too as people get older and become busier. Not impossible, though. Don't give up.
When it comes to more everyday things - business transactions, people not following through, etc -- well yes, some people are NOT reliable/trustworthy in the slightest!! There are certain people I wouldn't ever turn to if I needed something to get done.