Wow! That all sounds like a living hell!!!
I mean this in the nicest possible way... In your original post (above), you come across as hyper and a tad on the scary controlling side. Perhaps you are just upset and that's why?
...there's just no need for all this verbal nilly willyness!
Why do you need reassurance and what are you expecting him to fix again?? It seems logical to me that if he's still with you, despite all of your "talking", then he's aware of what you're feeling and perhaps his presence means he's already worked it out that "everything will work out" between the two of you! Some things go without saying. If you continue on this nilly willy demanding way, he'll probably be planning his escape, so he can relish in peace and quiet without the leash.
My best advice is to relax. If you find that task impossible around him, then there are plenty of cuties in the sea; go meet your match!
"verbal willy nillyness?" I don't exactly get what you're trying to say but I didn't write the post while I was particularly upset. I am an ENFJ, I feel inclined to control because I am constantly planning and looking for certainty. I am fully aware of this & how it conflicts with other people, especially my polar opposite ISTP. Again, I actively work on making sure I do
not seek to control or change my partner. I have worked very very hard to give him space, and I feel like we are very strong in most areas. But, as my post was intended to imply, I can not entirely suppress my need for feedback. My ENFJ desire for certainty will never be
completely gone, and the conflict
lies in my inability to read his type of feedback. He has done a lot for me in this regard, but its never going to be all sunshine & puppydogs. Sometimes, if the issue is bad enough to me or if he acts out because he won't talk about how he's stressed, I can't actually suppress my need for communication. Talking about things
will happen as long as we are together. He has expressed that he understands this, but I want to do my part to make sure I can communicate with him more effectively when this happens.
Also, I am saying "fix things" in reference to his point of view, not mine. I think that should be cleared up right away. I do not expect him to fix things, he believes I do because he doesn't understand why I would approach him if I didn't. This is where our communication problem lies. He doesn't want to talk at all if it doesn't make logical sense, as in leading to a solution. He feels attacked. I will keep up trying to not engage in talks like this as much as I can, but when they happen, I want to make him feel less "arrrrgghh."
ah, toast...
Reading through is there mutual agreement there is a conflict that needs to be talked through? Or is it that you feel conflicted and have changes that you want for the other party to make?
It can often be both at the same time from either of us. There have been times when he gets very upset over something but he will not want to talk about it & if its bad enough, he will act out. But its usually easier to deal with those situations because once he's acted out & his feelings were triggered, he is responsive & has an easier time talking. If it is something that he is doing or not doing that's making me feel a certain way, that's when it gets difficult. If something becomes an issue I expect "us" to work through it though, not him.
In summary, the OP is "making a big deal" out of stuff, rather than "going with the flow" of things...
I agree with poki here completely, As an ENFJ, I am: "make a big deal out of things", as an ISTP, he is "go with the flow." It is those differences that make it difficult. Being an ExxJ does not make me wrong because an IxxP thinks differently, but it isn't a choice for either of us to naturally do things that way. Telling me to 'cool it' is absurd. I've been trying to do just that since as far back as I an remember... that's why I'm attracted to an ISTP, because he naturally excels what I've never been very strong at. And trust me, being with him
has definitely helped me with that.
Also, I understand all the ENFJ stigmas about the "controlling, dramatic, whining" persona. I think its important to reiterate that I am aware of how these come up & I actively work to be fair and considerate of him. I am not what you would call needy, dramatic or fussy towards him on a regular basis by any means. All of this is irrelevant either way... We have already pretty much met half way, I just want to make the conflict less severe when we talk. So far everyone seems to be just implying that its impossible.
And when I've seen substantial progress in our attempts to understand each other, am quite happy with him on a regular basis & am very taken with him as a person & friend I am certainly not going to just go: "I'm sorry, but we aren't going to work. We are conflicting types you see... what do you mean you have no idea what I'm talking about?"