I could see having a natural connection with someone that much younger - I connect well with most NP's. But, if I'm 25 and she's 16, she's automatically in the friend category. There's no way I'm acting on that connection in any way, shape, or form.
Another thing that has really left me dumbfounded is when I became very close "inner circle" with 2 ENFP's - those 2 individuals ended up wanting more out of the relationship and when I didn't feel the same way about them, they no longer wanted to be friends. To me, that basically shows that they weren't interested in being my friend or getting to know me for who I am - they basically just wanted a man. I understand that this happens in human relations (I've certainly been on the other side of it myself), but when the feelings were unrequited, the ENFP's kind of jumped ship and held a grudge against me when all I had been doing was enjoying their friendship and being honest about that - there was no physical contact in either case.
I will provide a little background info about the current dynamic between my INTP friend and I.
As stated in an earlier post, I was 16 and he was 25 when we met at work. We are now 19 and 28. During this time, our friendship has deepened. In hindsight, don't think I actually realized how much he confided in me, I believe I took this immense trust in me for granted. Again, I attribute this to my skill in getting people to feel comfortable, safe, accepted and willing to open up. This isn't something that I consciously do, or set out on doing.
The very early stages of our friendship were focused primarily on ideas and mutual interests. When I think about our dynamic in comparison to those I have with others; it's quite strange. With other INTPs my Ne goes crazy; jokes become zanier and zanier, ideas are expanded and bounced around quickly, and tangents are the norm. The more, the better.
With this particular INTP, the Ne-craziness does not occur nearly as often. I'm not sure why this is. I wonder if this because my intelligence isn't up to par? Hm. (This is probably a sign that I'm not a mindmate and we wouldn't work out romantically.) With other INTPs, both my age AND his age, AND older, we go Ne-crazy with ease.
Anyway, our friendship evolved into a confidant type dynamic. He would share with me his frustrations and
feelings, with himself, with his family, with his friends, and with his significant others. I in turn, listened and did the best I could to empathize and offer relevant advice where I thought I could (mostly, when he explicitly asked for it). I never suggested something just for the sake of doing so on issues that I couldn't possibly understand/ never been placed in. If I didn't know, I didn't know.
I suppose this is where my Ne kicked in. If he didn't understand someone's behaviour, I could come up with various reasons as to why x did y, something that he had difficulty with at times. I did my best to explain the viewpoints of others.
I'd like to think that I was nonjudgmental with him. I certainly hope I was.
I also had feelings for him, essentially from when we first met. I found him to be compelling, intelligent, and attractive, so the crush I realized I had on him was not a big deal, nor was it a surprise. Early on in our friendship, he admitted to having feelings for me too-- a little crush. (He was in a committed relationship at the time). I didn't take this to mean anything more than what it was. I intrigued him, he found me attractive; it was natural and not a big deal in the slightest.
During the course of our three year friendship there were a couple of girlfriends, a couple of breakups-- including one that shook his very core-- career changes, graduating, house hunting, and blows of depression-- both him and I. We were not close for all of it. He had quit his job at our former workplace, he found love in an new relationship, I had graduated highschool and we no longer hung out or chatted. We drifted apart. I was fine with this. I'm not clingy with friends at all. I dislike being smothered and clinged to myself, and I value independence. I figured, "Hey, we were close at that part of our lives, and that was cool". I never stopped thinking of him as a really good friend though, and never stopped having feelings for him.
Some time in middle of my first term at university, we began meeting up again. It was as if those months of little to no communication had never happened, and we picked up right where we left off. A little while after this, him and his girlfriend broke up. He was devastated, confused, angry, hurt and lost. He told me how disappointed he was in himself that he lost sight of who he was. He fell into a slight depression and fantasized about suicide. He admitted that this was the only girl that he had ever truly loved, and the carpet was just yanked out from under his feet by this break up.
I was there for him every single day. What he really needed was someone to listen, and reassure him, and I did that for him. He'd text me constantly, despite disliking texting. He'd call me after he realized that this ex was cheating on him, or when he had to step back into his old apartment to gather things-- he needed my support. I did what I could. I don't know if it was enough, but I tried. It broke my heart to see him hurting so much. I never told him this, but I'd cry alone, just knowing how hurt he was.
Time passed, and he began healing. A few months after the breakup, he kissed me-- either despite, or because of my feelings for him that he knew that I still had. Our physical relationship had begun.
I never once thought that there was really going to be anything more here. I took his kissing me as a "I'm distraught over the loss of my relationship, I haven't had my sexual needs met in a very long time, this is a substitute". I didn't take this to mean that he had deeper feelings for me. It was a nice thought to think, but not true at all, so I never pondered this seriously.
[EDIT: He alluded to having feelings for me (ie. "We fight like a couple, there's obviously something between us"), yet he never explicitly said that he did have feelings for me. I feel stupid for not catching this detail.]
We both agreed that this could happen without any sort of weirdness on our part. We were both attracted to each other in a physical manner. We explicitly talked about our dynamic, that we were always friends, first and foremost, and this would not change. There was never any confusion as to what "we" were, as there was no "us"- just two good friends. Were one of us to start feeling weird, or off-put by this change in dynamic, we would call it quits. Simple as that.
Oh yes, you can see where this is going. My feelings deepened for him, and I realized that the reservations I had about doing this--
"Cosmicjourney, you KNOW you will get hurt because of this"-- were true. I always knew that they were true, even while it happened. I relished the opportunity to be intimate with someone that I truly cared deeply for, despite knowing the grief it would cause me later.
I am so disappointed in myself for letting my desires get the best of me when I knew better. I know that what I'm feeling right now has been worsened due to my inconsiderate actions.
I realized that I had never felt this way before. This was an intense like. (I would never use the word love so prematurely, but don't undermine the feelings of an intense like). I could go on and on about my current feelings for him, but this isn't necessary and just causes me further heartache.
(Read on, so much for not elaborating about my feelings.)
The INTP began dating, as he had every right to do so. We began spending less and less time together. Still, he didn't forget about me completely, and we still texted/Skyped/IMed/met up. This was a very difficult period for me-- although I always knew it, the fact that he was dating someone else made it explicitly clear that the feelings I had for him were not mutual. It was a slap in the face being with him, thinking about him developing feelings for other women; holding them, and being intimate with him. When I looked at him, it was all I saw. When we were apart, I thought about his mannerisms, his smile, the time we spent together, and I missed him like crazy. This is currently all I can think about. I can't get this off of my mind, and I'm like a broken faucet, I can't stop crying.
I knew that I had to take a break/end this. I NEED to get over him. So I did this. I told him how I felt and that I understood that he didn't feel the same way. I told him that I'd have to cut off contact with for the time being to heal and get over him, and that he'd be deleted off of Facebook, Skype, my cell, etc and not to contact me. He told me that he understood. This was basically the extent of our last conversation, face to face. I additionally face the ENFP-ish dilemma of never being able to fully get over anyone. I wonder if our friendship is ruined/has ended for good.
I'm heartbroken, but I'll live. I wonder if he misses me. I wonder if I ever cross his mind. To think along these lines is torture, so I try not to do it, but my mind gets the better of me.
As of late, I've been analyzing our friendship, hence the thread. I never once thought that it was odd that a 16 year old and a 25 year old became friends, like so many of my peers did. I suppose I just want to know what he saw in me, is all.
Certain things he said in conversations have stuck out to me, and I keep playing them on a loop:
"I hate using this word, but I
cherish this friendship".
"Besides my brother, you have been the one person that I could count on, and has been there for me through this whole [break-up] thing".
"You're my confidant. I've told you things that very few people, or no one knows about. I trust you. I don't want to lose you."
Upon telling sending him this text: "...I'm realistic. I know we wouldn't work out anyway. Strip everything away, the age difference, the culture/religion, the difference in experience, and leave just our characters, and there's nothing there", he sent me this:
"Wrong, you fool. Strip that all away and we're oddly similar. When's the last time we had a lull in a conversation?"
The last email he ever sent me, shortly after I told him I needed some time away:
"Can't do this."
He was my only really close friend. I don't have real, authentic friendships with depth. I have an inability to connect to other people. I've lost the only good friend I've ever had, and my loneliness is getting worse.
I think I took this friendship for granted.