bluebell
New member
- Joined
- Apr 30, 2007
- Messages
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- MBTI Type
- INTP
I'm looking for responses from INTPs or those who are familiar with the INTP modus operandi in relationships.
I realised earlier today that there are some unhealthy patterns that I follow but I can kinda see how to break those. However, Aderack's posts below has made me suddenly realise I have no idea how to break this particular pattern (and off the top of my head, I can think of another two INTPs who also have this pattern, one of whom is my INTP ex).
What I'm after is ideas on how to break this pattern. I have no intention of getting into another relationship any time soon, but I don't want to make the same mistakes if/when I ever do. Looking for input from the INTP hivemind on this one.
Reposted from another thread:
I realised earlier today that there are some unhealthy patterns that I follow but I can kinda see how to break those. However, Aderack's posts below has made me suddenly realise I have no idea how to break this particular pattern (and off the top of my head, I can think of another two INTPs who also have this pattern, one of whom is my INTP ex).
What I'm after is ideas on how to break this pattern. I have no intention of getting into another relationship any time soon, but I don't want to make the same mistakes if/when I ever do. Looking for input from the INTP hivemind on this one.
Reposted from another thread:
Every time anything at all has gone wrong in a relationship, my first assumption has been that I've made a mistake somewhere along the way. So I've gone about trying to identify that problem and then fix it, however seems sensible to me.
It rarely occurs to me that the problem might be in some external factor -- say, the other person in the relationship. It's that I've somehow failed to understand and appropriately respond to the situation. And fair enough. I will try to adapt myself to the conditions as I see them.
As you imagine this doesn't work out in the long term. After a few years in a relationship, I turn into something of a pretzel, trying to contort myself around everything presented to me -- and she tends to lose respect in me, from my failure to assert myself. Honestly, though, I just don't think of it. Not until things collapse and I look back, and I think, holy cow; why did I put up with all of that? What's wrong with me? And what's wrong with her, that she thought nothing of lumping me with all of this? Cue the mood swings.
So. I recognize this pattern. If there's any manipulation going on, and I guess there probably is on some level, I'd be surprised if he were aware of it; it's probably more of a consequence than a direct object of his behavior.
This just sounds like an attempt to rationalize a situation that he feels is beyond his control. The problem can't be with you, because, hey, he loves you. Therefore it's got to be with him. So, he thinks, let's figure that out.
I'll note that this isn't a self-image thing, either. It's just, well. One is used to applying one's self to problems in a certain way. If I don't understand a system, it's because I'm thinking wrong. So I come at the problem from another angle, until I find something that works. And I keep on at it, autonomously, until I've cracked the puzzle. The same impersonal reasoning and methodology goes into relationships -- not deliberately; it's just how one is used to dealing with stuff.
Combine that with a profoundly weak awareness of one's own practical and emotional needs (which again ain't an ego thing; it's just a complete blind spot), and it's pretty easy to find one's self coiled into some bizarre shapes.
The problem here is in not recognizing (except perhaps in the abstract) that a human relationship isn't a static system, and can't be understood in a vacuum. Any solution would seem to lie in better defining the parameters of the system. Here; this pattern over here is what you can work on. Go nuts.
My god, get out of my head. This is a fair chunk of the reason why I recently ended an 18 year relationship. And the 'coiled into bizarre shapes' is so so true. As soon as I made the decision, I could feel the weird knots and twists straightening out in my head. I was only aware of the knots in their absence.
There are definitely hazards in being a compulsive problem solver. Very hard to stay true to oneself if you treat yourself as just one of many variables. And given yourself is the only variable you have control over, I think that's why the contortions and shifts occur. At the risk of getting kicked by Lithograph, the tendency of treating the mind as a construction project also contributes.
Yes, absolutely, all of this. Curse of the INTP makeup. The above sounds like probably what's going on in the OP's boyfriend's head. In his mind, it isn't about you, it's about what he's doing wrong--why HE hit a roadblock--so he's trying out a few scenarios to fix it. Because probably in his head, he's flexing and thinking that it's not unreasonable for you to be tied up with work and school, and he can relate to that. So rather than say, "I'm going to need to you to make a little time for me," he flexes, and figures out how to temporarily "fix" the "problem" of his sex drive until you can get back to him. He's probably trying to make it more convenient for you, but since emotional things aren't really a "system," it doesn't work.