I have been dating my INTP for a year and a half. I am in love with him and have been for quite some time. We had never really told each other "I love you." A few weeks ago before going to sleep, I asked him if he knew I loved him. He said he did but said he doesnt say it any more because every time he has in a relationship he has gotten hurt. Now he says he just says "This is it." I completely understand his hesitation. He is a man of his word and he does all sorts of things for me that indicate he cares. (I dont think he would stick around other wise.) But sometimes it would be nice to hear how he feels. There is never any mention of his feelings or emotions.
I've been married to an INTP for 14 years, and while I haven't had the same experience as you, I can relate...
My husband never had trouble with the 'I love you' part, but he had never been hurt. However, especially at the beginning of our relationship, he never volunteered the words unless I spoke them first. As far as I can remember, he didn't voluntarily speak of feelings at all, I think a large part of him didn't see the need. I finally talked to him about it, because I was confused. He considered that repeating the same thing was just redundant. Wasn't it evident from his actions? And of course it was.
I explained, that to me, it never felt redundant, that it made me very happy each time I heard words of love. He argued that the words would loose their impact if spoken too often.
Even now, after 14 years, he (normally) doesn't talk about how he feels (about anything, not just me) unless I prompt him. A lot of times it takes quite an effort. He doesn't exactly resist, it's just he isn't really aware of the feelings. So it takes a decent amount of probing. But he humors me.
And if I want his feelings about something specific regarding
me, I really just have to ask. That took me a long time to come to terms with... it requires
painful directness.
Have you asked him about his feelings on very specific matters? With my husband, general questions about feelings are meant with
Though even the answer to specific ones can make me
'How does it make you feel when X' (X being something very specific, but I'm struggling to think of any examples right now)
INTP answers, 'Um... good?"
Sigh.
What I suggest:
Seriously. Our best 'feeling' conversations are always when he's had a few drinks. It's like he can access that part of himself more easily.
I don't know if other INTPs are like this, but my husband actually likes me analyzing the hell out of him sometimes.
He said he did but said he doesnt say it any more because every time he has in a relationship he has gotten hurt. Now he says he just says "This is it."
This part here sounds like he has substituted a different term for 'I love you', is that what he meant do you think?
For my husband, all the standard, traditionally accepted terms and ceremonies have no bearing.
Could the words 'this is it' have more meaning for your INTP than the words 'i love you'?
Anyways... Im not looking to push him into saying it. Im just curious if anyone has any suggestions on showing him he can trust me and I have no intentions of ever hurting him. Also I know this is asked a million times over, but are there any little things I can watch for that will give me some insight into how he feels? I do mention to him that I love him, but he never says anything. (I will admit it kind of stings. But I am in this for the long haul.) I also dont want to over do it either by saying it to much and making it sound hollow. Sorry for rambling...Thanks for reading.
Not pushing; this, more than anything, has led to a harmonious relationship for my husband and I. We have had a few issues where I've had to embrace that. Probably the biggest was having children. I knew I wanted some in the future, he wasn't entirely against it, but was
very unsure. I was careful not to push him. We would talk about it occasionally, and I mainly kept the discussion revolving around his point of view, pondering the different issues and uncertainties together. I really didn't want it to become something antagonistic, you know? Eventually he came to realize that I understood where he was coming from, and from there he began to explore the positive aspects of having children. We have a little boy now, 23 months old
If he ever feels like he's being pushed... mules have nothing on him. It's about the one sure way to make sure he won't do something. (A fact his ISTJ mother still hasn't learned hehe) However, it does make for fantastic teasing fodder
You mentioned that you say you love him and he never says anything. That can't be pleasant.
I don't know how it's said or what his reaction is specifically like, but for my husband, that sort of thing *could* come across as pushing. (This could especially be the case if your INTP realizes you're wanting/hoping for a response and he's not giving it.)
Are you saying 'I love you' for his benefit or for yours? Because honestly if it's for his, he probably doesn't need it. (If he needed it, he would probably be saying it to you)
I think the suggestions about figuring out his love language are really good. For my husband it's pretty much tied between physical touch and quality time and it is very apparent that those things make him feel loved, much more than words of affirmation ever do.
As for little things to watch for? Well that's probably so individual. But I can give you some examples from my husband, whether they're helpful or not...
Talking about ideas, theories, things that catch his interest. - This, so much more than feelings, is what my husband is interested in. And it makes him so happy when I join him in the topics, become fascinated with him, or even just ask him to explain something I don't understand.
He does little random thoughtful things. Like gives me his jacket if he notices I look cold (if he notices, the key phrase here
), notices I'm tired in the morning so looks after our son while I get some extra sleep, brings me a tea or cappuccino when I'm writing just cause, insists on carrying
all the bags (which can get hilarious at times), drops me off outside the shop doors if it's raining or really cold... I could go on.
Never demands, but is always there.
Oh I just thought of a big one. He listens to me. Really truly listens, to anything I say. It's something he doesn't do with anyone else.
Ok this post got out of control. I don't have time to go over it, so apologies if it's unreadable in spots! Feel free to msg me if you want.