thanks for posting this, JoSunshine
I'm wondering how this works because I appear to have different types of attachments on that chart with different people.
i think, for me this can change from moment to moment, depending on whether i am hooked by an insecure sub-personality, or whether i have the transcendence of a mature person (second tier to be precise) - it also changes depending on whether my partner is hooked.
so i have understood the table this way:
- when we are hooked we feel dependent (uneasy with what is, depending on change, manipulating to get it)
- when we are free, we don't feel dependent. we may fake freedom and be unconscious of dependence. it is true freedom if we feel overflowing. all we want is to contribute. of course you can fake this too. steady freedom is hardly possible before the age of 28, which is about the earliest time, people could develop to a transcendent autonomy, also called "second tier".
given that both partners are self-aware and authentic and second tier meaning potentially free (all of which is to good to be true), there are only four constellations.
- when i am hooked and my partner isn't, then i am touchy and clingy:
"I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them."
- when i am hooked and my partner is also hooked, then i am paranoid:
"I am somewhat uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I sometimes worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others."
- when i am relatively free and my partner is hooked, then i may worry about becoming drained and loosing freedom and i become greedy (hence i loose my freedom) - or i am totally free and stable and enjoy giving:
"I am comfortable without close emotional relationships. It is very important to me to feel independent and self-sufficient, and I prefer not to depend on others or have others depend on me."
- when both me and my partner are free, we can be intimate.
"It is relatively easy for me to become emotionally close to others. I am comfortable depending on others and having others depend on me. I don't worry about being alone or having others not accept me."
in addition to this, i am likely to project, that my partner is needy and clingy (even if (s)he isn't) while i am trying hard to feel free, when i am really secretly hooked. for example. you can create a chess like game, if you assume that one fakes a pattern, the other believes it and responds to the pattern by switching to another pattern himself. since you can always appear to overtrump the amount of fake freedom or the amount of fake dependency of the other.
too bad for people who are never truly free.