TacEight
New member
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2010
- Messages
- 96
- MBTI Type
- INTP
We agreed on a two-week limit for him to make a decision. After the two weeks ended, he still couldn't decide. I filed for divorce after that, but it takes several weeks for it to get recorded and for him to be served. He is making use of that time to further drive me up the wall and give me unreasonable offers (such as he could stay with the job he currently has, we would stay married but he would still have "feelings" for the other woman and he would be "moping around and sad". He would also still plan to try to be with the other woman at some indeterminate point in the future. I would continue to have the very cushy lifestyle I currently enjoy and could be bankrolled in getting a career going.) I told him no way would I accept that arrangement.
We went to marriage counseling, but the counselor told him he would have to cease all contact with the other woman, and he wasn't willing to do that. I really don't understand why he wanted to go to counseling in the first place!
Yes he is treating me like crap but this wasn't always the case. In reading about men and mid-life crisis, men can be seemingly happy for years and then suddenly do a 180 degree turn- they start thinking that their marriage has actually been awful when all evidence points to the contrary. Falling testosterone levels in men who are getting older can do strange things to their brains. Also, I think death starts looming and they realize they aren't going to live forever. This can have a powerful effect on the psyche.
He was faithful all of those years of our marriage up to this point, so he is certainly capable of being so again in the future. Whether or not he actually would be is debatable at this point. I think you are correct in saying that he just wants to get the best deal for himself. He is being so incredibly selfish.
I am very sorry to hear about all this. I can only offer limited advice on my relatively similar experiences with my ex wife; she wanted to maintain a polyamorous relationship which I tried to go along with for about a year before I told her I really just couldn't do it. The divorce happened soon afterward.
The best thing as has already been mentioned is marriage counseling. Otherwise it would be good to get one of his friends or family members who are close to him involved--he needs outside perspective. I realize there are two sides to every coin, but for someone to have made a commitment (even if I don't believe in "marriage" anymore personally, it's still a long-term contract) and to have had children with you, he owes it to you.
And as far as "letting go" of a woman he "loves," I'd ask him two things: if he really loves this other woman, "what will she always fear about him (and rightfully so) if he abandons a 25 year marriage and two kids?" Answer: that he will leave her. Then, ask him if he really loves her, he should see if the relationship is healthy/good by breaking a connection from her altogether for a month before going back to her. Not a commitment to you, but to himself and to her. To get perspective and a more realistic, less emotional foundation.
The only way I have been able to get unhealthy thoughts out of another woman out of my mind (unhealthy = unrealistic; I'd never entertain thoughts while I had a SO in the first place) was to completely cut her out of my mind for a while. Just got done doing that, but this would be easier for me as a) the woman had no feelings for me, and b) the friendship wasn't nearly as deep as your husband's is. Either way it's the only way I can see him staying.
Having said all this, it seems to me that your relationship with him is not healthy in the first place--I have gone to marriage counseling and read a few books about it myself, years back before I got married. One primary book that was recommended to me was called His Needs Her Needs and although I don't usually recommend it due to some religious and sexist points in it, the concept is very very accurate and helpful in my opinion. Check it out, and suggest he read it as well. It's a quick and easy read and helps understand what affairs are, how to avoid them, and how to maintain a healthy relationship.