Thanks for the responses.
Does the scrutiny level increase as the closeness increases?
I do check, but not as much as a Fi dom/aux I imagine and with friends it doesn't matter as much.
I think most NFPs aren't even aware they do it..it sort of just happens naturally. Fi tends to want to feel 'just right', and that is an undercurrent when having a bond with someone else. And yeah, the scrutiny increases as the closeness increases. In truth, I am looking for people who I can be myself with without having to fear being hurt, being judged or otherwise stabbed inthe back. People I can be vulnerable with, who can take *all* of me. Most people get overloaded if I do that with them. So..depending on how much you can take and how many values we share, and also how much we contribute to each others lives...you get closer. Again, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the people I don't have that with. In fact, most of my friends only get to see one aspect of me..the aspect that relates best to them. I chameleon without even knowing it, as I like making people happy, and show them the part of me that they find most enjoyable (it's still me though, always authentic). I'll test tos ee if they can take other parts..but if they can't, that's fine, and I enjoy them for that interaction.
However, the man who holds my heart, who lives with me in one house, who's to build a life with me has to be able to take all of me. It's a prerequisite as I cannot constantly certain aspects of myself all the time. I wanna be myself, all of myself, at home and with the person I love. So yeah..I guess you could call that scrutiny
It's done in part for self-preservation (it's painful to be vulnerable around those who don't know what to do with that) and in part not to burden others unless they're actually interested in that part of you, and prove trustworthy and capable enough to handle it.
In fact, when I get truly close to someone, I may have told them already many intimate details, things I'm alright with, and I can take a pounding on should that person respond in a way that might accidentily hurt my feelings. They may be very revealing, but I've digested them already and can share them readily. There's a point however where you feel so close to the other that I'll panick. And I'll withdraw. It's that threshold where if you open the gates, it will all come pouring out. All insecurities, dark secrets, things you still need to address about yourself, things you're ashamed of, dreams and hopes however unrealistic. It's the gateway to that internal world we have. I withdraw coz I don't wanna flood you. Yet I feel you've earned the right to see the inside. And I'll first check and recheck if this is truly what you want and if you can handle the intensity inside before I hand you the key. Once you turn it, I cannot hold back anymore. And it's scary and confusing, not just for you, but also for me. It makes me prone and at your mercy. One wrong word and you'll break my heart. One wrong move can get you evicted and locked out forever. You're at that point an elephant in a crystal room. And until you show me that you actually appreciate its fragility as well as it's beauty, and take care not to trash anything, I'm incredibly scared. I need you to reassure me at that point that there is no judging, no trashing and no mocking. That you like what you see. That is, if you even make it there. It's easier to keep you standing at the gate, tbh. Still..there's a yearning to be understood and share what's inside, hence the hesitation and ambivalent behavior.
Of the typed ENFPs I know in real life who are close friends of decades, they appear to have a preconceived notion about each person. And when that person doesn't align with their notional view, they're taken aback. They also sometimes appear to retreat within themselves when life gets too hectic, regardless of extroverted personality. It's also an overload switch between you and them.
Kind of like:
"All in, gimme more, more, more. Whoah, overload. Too much going on."
*puts on the brakes...screeeeech*
And if they still enjoy you:
"Okay, I'm back. Things are okay now. More, more, more."
This continues for awhile until they feel they understand you better and there appears to be a safe and solid connection. Then things calm down to a less frenetic pace.
Hehe, yeah this ties in with my reply above. I find this to be especially true with other extraverts. It's awesome, its fun, it goes way faster and more smoothly than with introverts, but oh my god..I need a break to process all that has happened before I can go to the next stage