<...reassurance...>I watch for it, and I love it, and usually get paranoid when I have to go without it more than usual...but I don't want people to know that I need it. That's just one of the many things I like to keep inside of me. I don't like seeming needy in any way. I'm usually alright with people knowing my weak points, though. I dunno. I think it's because I don't want people to think I'll slow them down or drain them out, or ever feel guilty or obliged to have to do something for me so that I can keep up.
One of the main messages I want to send to the world is to go on the way it wants to; that I can just bend and re-mold myself and catch up on my own...partially to prove myself worthy and partially to show that I understand and accomodate, and I want to. It's like tagging along with your older cousin. And if they like the me the way I am, I'll show more and more of me, because they'll realize that all the bending and molding I do isn't exactly the way I truly am even though I enjoy doing it, and that I can't always change myself or catch up without help, and I don't always understand. And so maybe, just maybe, they'll help me in a way that doesn't make me have to bend and swallow and rewire myself in order to survive; a way during which I can relax and just get what I need emotionally without a hot fuss (all the questions and doubting and criticism just wears little old sensitive me out)..
Man, I love it here! No one else understands this!!!!! I can't help but need reassurance but I don't want people to know I need it... I want them to see it in me without looking down on me for it... or something... You said it so perfectly. That is exactly how it is.
Thank you.