Snapdragon1234
New member
- Joined
- Aug 4, 2017
- Messages
- 3
- MBTI Type
- ENFP
For a year and a half, I (the ENFP male) was dating an ESFJ (female). I broke it off. However, I've been recently reconsidering getting back together. We recently talked about where we failed each other, could have tried harder, and reflected on what we've learned apart.
PROS: we have absolutely everything in common, like going out on daytrip's, foods, the music we like, holiday celebrations, friends, family, both super super affectionate and lovey dovey (we are so attracted to each other), love a clean house, etc.., everything in common, even childhood likes and experiences. It is like she dropped from the sky out of a mail order catalog... so much fun. She's also committed to growth and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work, including reading books and counseling. We were on our way to engagement.
CONS: As I have seen on other posts and some sites, she (ESFJ) just can't seem to listen, understand, or connect with my sort of dreamy, artistic ideas… or even just talking about the hard day I've been having sometimes. It's like she has to ask 40 questions when I'm just sharing something chill about my day. And the questions sort of seem like an interrogation. Challenging in approach... sort of black and white. Short on Empathy??? Also, she started becomming incredibly moody. It was like a three month cycle. Things were great, then over three months, the negatives on her side would grow. Hot cold hot cold. It’s true, that we both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds, so I fear at times that we bonded over that both positively and negatively. God knows I have a ton of stuff to work on myself. But I think deep down she couldn't accept me being nice... and would sort of start self-destructing the relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times because I didn't know who would be walking through the door. And (I think because of the affects of trauma) she "couldn't" see her behavior. Says she didn't know she was acting that way. It's like I just can't put my finger on it. She saw me as her best friend, but I couldn't see her as my best friend near the end because it just doesn't seem like I could be myself sometimes. With types, after a while I felt like I (ENFP) may have sort of irritated her with my sort of ENFP artsy, sharing, spaced-outness, even though I always just loved to just listen to her. I also felt like I was giving and giving and getting little back emotionally at times. Again, she has been through a lot, and I know she just needs a lot of love and patience. But so do I.
I know with the cons it sounds “ridiculous†that I want to get back together, but when times are good, and she's in a heathly good place, it is the most fantastic relationship in the world. Amazing. Knockout!!! I'm really struggling over this. It's so hard to know as someone over 40 where we are to positively compromise in life, how much to accept/expect, and work on communication. Is the ENFP and ESFJ match just doomed in the end?
Your experiences? Confused. Am I crazy???
PROS: we have absolutely everything in common, like going out on daytrip's, foods, the music we like, holiday celebrations, friends, family, both super super affectionate and lovey dovey (we are so attracted to each other), love a clean house, etc.., everything in common, even childhood likes and experiences. It is like she dropped from the sky out of a mail order catalog... so much fun. She's also committed to growth and doing whatever it takes to make a relationship work, including reading books and counseling. We were on our way to engagement.
CONS: As I have seen on other posts and some sites, she (ESFJ) just can't seem to listen, understand, or connect with my sort of dreamy, artistic ideas… or even just talking about the hard day I've been having sometimes. It's like she has to ask 40 questions when I'm just sharing something chill about my day. And the questions sort of seem like an interrogation. Challenging in approach... sort of black and white. Short on Empathy??? Also, she started becomming incredibly moody. It was like a three month cycle. Things were great, then over three months, the negatives on her side would grow. Hot cold hot cold. It’s true, that we both have a lot of trauma in our backgrounds, so I fear at times that we bonded over that both positively and negatively. God knows I have a ton of stuff to work on myself. But I think deep down she couldn't accept me being nice... and would sort of start self-destructing the relationship. I felt like I was walking on eggshells at times because I didn't know who would be walking through the door. And (I think because of the affects of trauma) she "couldn't" see her behavior. Says she didn't know she was acting that way. It's like I just can't put my finger on it. She saw me as her best friend, but I couldn't see her as my best friend near the end because it just doesn't seem like I could be myself sometimes. With types, after a while I felt like I (ENFP) may have sort of irritated her with my sort of ENFP artsy, sharing, spaced-outness, even though I always just loved to just listen to her. I also felt like I was giving and giving and getting little back emotionally at times. Again, she has been through a lot, and I know she just needs a lot of love and patience. But so do I.
I know with the cons it sounds “ridiculous†that I want to get back together, but when times are good, and she's in a heathly good place, it is the most fantastic relationship in the world. Amazing. Knockout!!! I'm really struggling over this. It's so hard to know as someone over 40 where we are to positively compromise in life, how much to accept/expect, and work on communication. Is the ENFP and ESFJ match just doomed in the end?
Your experiences? Confused. Am I crazy???