Do you find that being optimistic/realistic deals with the impulse and panic...like makes it dissapate ...or is it just suppressing the feelings? Cause I can't tell for me.
Yes, I think it helps it dissipate... I think it helps me see that it is an illusion that I
need to panic, and how I can achieve the same effectiveness (or more) if I don't panic. The challenge for me is to separate the "paths" in my mind, to go from a narrow-visioned worst-case-only panic to a realistic/optimistic viewpoint along with pragmatic contingency planning. With the example I gave, when I'm panicking, I keep expanding the worst-case possibilities, and it feels like all these awful things will happen if I don't resolve the situation
right now.
If I can recognize that 6 process and step back to examine my thoughts, I can identify the danger-cue (him not contacting me), the potential danger (him being incapable of contacting me because of injury, illness, etc),
and the most likely explanations for it - something I don't really do when I'm panicking. Then I can develop a realistic plan, based off of those likelihoods, with some easy immediate steps based on the most likely scenarios (eg the facebook/phone messages), some moderately-involved steps for later if I have to provide for the less-likely scenarios (eg driving to find him), and finally some serious resource-consuming, boundary-crossing steps (eg finding his roommate, calling his parents, alerting the police) based on the true worst case scenarios - and I can plan relative time cut-offs or other determining factors that I will use to decide when to move to the next level of effort.
That series of steps allows me to postpone the feeling of panic until I feel like it's more necessary - it's true that it's suspending it to a certain degree, but panicking is also a biological loop wherein stressful thoughts make you feel more stressed and then stressful feelings make you think more stressful thoughts, and so by stopping the stressful thoughts, you halt the biological stress loop. So it's both dissipation and suspension, but I'd hate to let it all dissipate in case I really needed it later! In other words, I don't think it's entirely possible to eradicate the fear in and of itself, but I don't think you really want to do that, anyway. I'd rather be on guard when it comes to him because it's one of my top priorities in life to keep him happy and safe.
I'm not sure if I know what you mean, when you say you want to provide him with security. I'm still learning.
Do 6's desire to do that...provide others with security...and by that do you mean providing him with a place of refuge almost?
I'm not sure about all 6s... I think my sexual-dominant instinct variant has a lot to do with my focus on our relationship. And yes, it's absolutely like providing him a place of refuge. I have a very strong sense of our relationship being a mutual haven for us - a sense of healing, home, happiness, relaxation, learning, growth, warmth, immersion, safety, stability, security, protection, desire, belonging, wanting, trust, understanding, sharing, intimacy, compassion, and so on. He's extremely self-sufficient, and it was hard for me to understand how to take care of him at first - it's still a little "mystical" to me, how I help him. Over time I've learned that a peaceful, comfortable retreat from problems and pressure is really meaningful to him - he's a 9w1 sp-dom. When you asked this, I thought of this scene from the Disney Atlantis movie:
I wish I could create that invisible bubble for him, like nothing can harm him. But since that would kind of infringe on his right to live independently, I try to at least surround him with love, and provide him with the understanding that
I will be there if and when he wants me. I hope I'm doing the best I can do for him.
Ultimately I know that part of overcoming sx 6 is to acknowledge that I'm whole, complete, safe, and secure without my significant other (without anything besides myself, in fact), but it's tricky to reconcile that and the acknowledgment that I would like to weave my life with his, if he is willing, for the rest of my existence. I think that part of the key is focusing on being appreciative while he is around, instead of constantly trying to weed out the potential problems between us.