So all of these feelings stem from comparison with others who do better? At what, if you don't mind me asking?
It can be extrapolated to the small things or the big things, but it applies to
nearly everyone.
At first it was people in relationships being better than me because they're worth something to someone. Now I've been worth
something to
a couple people, so that doesn't apply so much, and being with someone now makes that one a backburner thought. I do apply it to my exes whenever they appear in my mind, for whatever reason: they were just too good for me and they found someone better than me, just like my current is and will someday do, most likely.
As I'm arguably somewhere between
pathetic and
sub-pathetic at math, I often felt shitty about this one. I can't do math beyond a 10th grade level, and would probably struggle with that. One of the reasons I'm
never going back to college is because there is no way in a blue hell I can pass even remedial math courses, and therefore the entire prospect of college is made worthless. All because, despite my other intelligences, I can't get past remedial math. Mind you, math is the
one thing I put vast effort into (sometimes 12+ hours a day on the same type of problems)...
There's also the lurking fear that I am merely of average intelligence in general and away from math. I know a lot of people would disagree, and I want to disagree, but
what if? Just the thought that I could be average makes me want to immediately cease all learning,
destroy all present knowledge and retreat to a small compound in the middle of the forest where I can smoke weed every day, listen to music, play music, and sleep. No books, television, or internet allowed. No phone or cellphones. I'd rather give up everything than even entertain the idea of being average.
Things like that. Always taken to extremes.