I call it "squeeky wheel syndrome". I find that he has a tendancy to rush to satisfy whoever screams the loudest regardless of the significance of that person or how good/bad that person treats him. I find myself feeling like I am left out in the cold a lot of times. So then I get upset which results in him bending over backwards to make me happy. Then I get comfy and he runs off to put out the next fire and the next one and the next one - then I get upset again. Then he comes back around. It's difficult for me to relate to becuase I treat the people who are consistantly the nicest and most considerate of me the best and the idots and asses can go straight to hell. It seems to be the other way around with him.
I'm exhausted! I've tried talking about it with him. He drives himself (not just me) crazy. Any advice short of me jumping up and down raising hell everyday?
This can be a very deep issue, and
often goes back to childhood. (It
often occurs when a child feels like love from their parent is conditional, so develops this near panic inducing need to make them happy, which in turn becomes an ingrained behavior that gets transferred to other types of relationships.)
Without going to a therapist, I think the keys involve
1) Increasing awareness - he needs to understand what he is doing, and what emotional triggers are causing him to bend over backwards for these people.
2) Once he understands why he is compelled to be treated this way, he needs to accept it as something that just "is". Beating himself up only increases guilt and shame, which feeds into the cycle. With acceptance, he will be able to release its grip, let the initial "I must fix this feeling" pass, and intelligently consider different ways to react. It's possible to accept what is while still recognizing there are better options.
3) Increase his self esteem to a point where he genuinely believes it's NOT okay to treat him that way.
To start off with, simply TALK with him and take time to understand and help him understand what's going on. Don't pressure him into changing right away, simply listen and ask questions. "What do you feel when X person does this?" "What do you hope to accomplish by rushing to help the person right away?" "What do you think would happen if you didn't drop everything?" "What do you think would happen if you said 'No'?" It's important that you don't judge him here if you want him to feel safe to open up.
Also, if it's family that is doing this to him, it's going to be 100x more difficult, with the gains probably being slower than if it's some crappy "friends".