Please type me?

[ABluePlanetian]

Hello, I just entered to this forum and another type-confused person for you to figure out (not sure it's a good thing but well, I'm here anyway).

I only know I am an introverted individual who prefer to use imagination as my forte and thus, see the negative comments from other people complaining me as a absent-minded or cloudcuckoolandish human being, as compliments. I love when some people realise some shiny spots in me and called me an interesting and quirky girl, but most of the time I would receive many backstabbing rumours and my small community even secretly listed me as a patient with prolonged mental health issues who never wants to cure her own problems. But I was never saddened by this somehow. The problem actually comes from other children around me who take advantages of my reputation of being a complete alien and use that as an excuse to abuse me. During middle school, I did cry a lot due to physical abuse (classmates) and emotional neglect (school and sometimes even parents said it was my fault for being a standoffish).

So I have grown, with this whole whirlwind of thoughts going on in my head and I truly enjoy it. I have tons of childish yet heartwarming memories about how imagination has saved me from suicidal decision, because it said to me, in summary, "You will change this world into a better place, so you cannot die easily!" When I was baby, my mother said that I wasn't scared of being alone. I only slept quitely, drank milk, played all day with my toys and looked at the world around me with curiosity and would rather not disturb anyone around. I had a mountain of questions to ask, but if nobody knew how to answer, I would go outside and look it for myself. Occasionally my mother would told me an amusing story from my forgotten shore of childhood fragments that when I was two?, I even left my cradle once or twice something and crawled to the fresh outside world, without knowing that several adults at home, after finding the little troublemaker have made an amazing disappearance, were terrified and went to every corner of the small town to look for me. I would say my parents almost cried, or at least I would if my child disappeared like that.

I entered the college and have lived alone now. I used to be with several schoolmates of the same nationality living in an accomodation, but then different lifestyles and relationships cause major problems. But I cannot live with so many people who are quiet talented at gossiping and throwing parties every weekend like them. I was staying in my own room while they were having fun out there, and the girls would bring "my issues" out to the discussing table, I guessed it was due to my absence at parties that they are easily to take "a third person" to gossip about, and conclude that I was a incurable lonely freak. I was extremely upset from then on, seeing people alienated me and at the end, I choose to move out and live in my own accomodation. The experience of being in depression since middle school actually did help me a lot, as I have gone through it and known how to cope with these emotional breakdown.

I see my imagination as the incomparable gift and prefer to have it than to have any trendy cellphone, iPad or even laptop in the world. Bookstores and libraries to me are the best places in the world. They said high-advanced technology is the magic in our time, but I would keep my opinion that it is imagination the timeless magic of humanity. I live in my imagination, even more so when I was a child. As I've grown up and begin to learn about self-development, I became a little bit more down to earth to deal with surrounding people, but those dreams are not vivid images, with fresh greens and sunlights dancing in front of my eyes anymore, they become the nature of my creative soul and I feel so fortunate to have it with me. I want to become a novelist, after my childhood desire of growing up being a painter had been shattered by my ambitious mother and also "the fault in my talent". I figured out that it's easier to express myself with words, so at the end, I choose language as my main focus.

I know a bit of astrology and charts, and have this ultimate love to nature scenery, nightsky and stars of the universe. I'm not fond of being flattered and don't have a huge ego, but I would voice my opinion and what I know if someone sincerely asks. Or not, I'll pretend that I am a clown in front of people, so they won't pay attention to "a lower being" and hence I can keep on musing my own thoughts. I'm not really afraid by people saying, "You don't know anything/You're an idiot/stupid!" I only got angry, more than getting offended. I don't think anyone who is so insensitive, unreasonable, lacks of emotional intelligence and thinks so high of him/herself can judge me badly about my knowledge of life. Usually I would keep silent and stay away from these arrogant creatures, but a lot of negativity would spark around me after that and scare others away. My upmost anger is measured to be zero degree Celcius or even lower, not in the pathetic one-hundred degree so people who offended me so much could keep dreaming that I would forgive them without a sincere apology.

A friend-on-social-media once asked me: "Why you're so cold?" which might be true since I have received some remarks about my awkward behaviours. I literally don't know how to act or wear a mask when associating with another human, so at the end they just assumed me as an iceberg and stick the comment on me, "Don't come close to this girl". Although I don't quiet understand since I do have intense feeling and beautiful emotion. I cried when I read a novel with a bittersweet ending, so that's mean I'm not an iceberg like they said. The worry of being accepted or not bothers me so much that I feel I would live better without it, and I do.

I would say I like to have my freedom, my own set of rules and discipline and independence. I also have an objective view about the world. The objectivity even comes to my feelings, I think about my feelings rather than actually feel it. "Why are my feelings not objective?! Oh wait, it's about the heart, right? So they were supposed to be subjective?" I analyze them, see them as phenomena and want to capture the root of them. My mood, which is the state of my feelings?, seems to be on constant roller-coaster rides whenever I interacted with society. Sometimes people are so genuinely nice and cheerful, but I never know what they're up to. They could be unintentionally cruel too, by touching their words upon others' conscience, manipulating each other and agreeing to "beware" the third person who supposed to be harmless and innocent. That's what they call "socialization" and to be honest, I sort of despise it.

 

[Lib]

I am guessing INTx. An INTJ would have the aesthetic trait and the urge to analyse emotions, but the clown thing is more likely found in INTP.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

Aesthetic trait? Did you mean by "to go and enjoy every bit of beautiful sceneries" and "to have a life which is surrounded by lovely stuffs"? Then yes, of course. I like to have that sort of life; maybe a quiet, peaceful, cozy and fairy tale-like home with lots of books would interest me. I always feel powerfully thrilled by the beauty in classical structures, paintings and architectures, also the stars, battlefields in history textbooks, and our own planet with their nature.

I liked the idea of a community, a unification of people and humanity as a whole. But when interacting with individuals, I felt like I was bored by them, or despised them, or sooner or later they would feel as if I was an intriguing yet "say-it-over-and-over" topic (that means they were overwhelmed by me) and at the end, leave me alone anyway. So I'd rather not to talk to anyone.

There's a question in the MBTI test that told me to choose between "mercy" and "justice". Another one is "You are often got upset by people around you". I chose mercy, because that what I value the most. But yesterday, I realized how much I disliked the new trait I've found from my university professor. At first I did really amazed by his knowledge and thought that he was a worthy teacher. But after I gradually recognized some evidences showing that he has given more privileges to some better students and leave other students (including me) behind, I was disappointed by this and decided to never worship/admire people anymore.

I'm not trying to be edgy and looking the world as if it was painted with black and grey. To be honest, the world I saw was always white and rainbow-coloured in the morning and dark but full of brilliant stars at night. But the people around makes me feel so uncomfortable. At the end, I just left them and made up my mind that I would become more independent, because I don't want to keep false belief about anyone, since both "I" and "they" are equally sinful and imperfect earthlings.

I wonder if an idealistic trait could be paired up with a critical mind. Because that's what I am.

 

[Mal12345]

Halfway through the OP and I don't see anything against calling you INFP.

Imaginative.
Loner. "Freak" is others' opinions maybe. But although a "loner" type, the INFP easily introjects the opinions of others. If your self-esteem is low, then you will introject the negative opinions others have about you.
Choosing "mercy" over "justice" is a classic Feeler trait.
"I liked the idea of a community, a unification of people and humanity as a whole" is an NF trait. But it doesn't give us either INFJ or INFP by itself.
'"Why are my feelings not objective?! Oh wait, it's about the heart, right? So they were supposed to be subjective?" I analyze them, see them as phenomena and want to capture the root of them.' This is an Si-tertiary trait: Trying to concretize, objectively your feelings and getting to the root of them.
'They could be unintentionally cruel too, by touching their words upon others' conscience, manipulating each other and agreeing to "beware" the third person who supposed to be harmless and innocent. That's what they call "socialization" and to be honest, I sort of despise it.' Your shadow Fe is showing here. Fe is what I call a "bully" type in this case, just as my "bully" type is Te. Naturally you despise your primary type's shadow opposite. We all do.
INFP all the way.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

Probably. I don't have anything against Fi function. I feel quiet comfortable using Fi. But Si, not so much. Although I would say that I do have a good memory, but not a detailed memory. That's why I don't usually read Sherlock Holmes or any of detective stories, because there was too much details and you would need a broad knowledge to access the plot. Or maybe because that was due to Ti not being my function?

However, I must say that I don't like my childhood period really much. I love the child inside me, but that's the only thing I've ever kept from childhood. About 70% of the people whom I met in the past, later on have been become what I would call as "bad, even disastrous, experiences". I only remember my past in the middle of nolstalgic crisis, when I look back and try to examine myself, of how did I get to here, and from there I begin to build up the whole picture of myself, small dreams, grand illusion, feelings, experience of lost and damages, constant thoughts of evolution which never leave me alone, people surrounding me just played minors part of being catalytic factors for me to reach where I am now. It's more like an instropective time.

I am not a person who constantly muses about the past. To me everything was about the future: the future of myself and greater tomorrow of humanity. If I only stay in the past, I could have been never get through the trauma and probably end up doing nothing useful. There is another question: do I have a heart of a child or a soul of a sage (from the test)? I would say that I have both. But I don't like my childhood experiences. The children were unintentionally cruel and their parents are ignorant but poor creatures who have to work in their offices and market all day and thus, could not afford time, knowledge and experiences to teach them properly. I'm only fond of remembering the part of the time where The Child were left alone with her own imagination and curiosity. I decided to grow up because I need to change what I have seen. I cannot let the world just going around and marching on people's death and their life before that was nothing but only chasing for vanity, materialism, lies and greed?

To be honest, I saw The Child in my heart just like my daughter. Or I did believe in some point that she was my daughter whom I have taken care of pretty well despite the demand of crazy world outside. Of all sudden, during my instropective time, I felt as if I have lived many years more than I've ever actually lived. I had spent all my previous time, constantly trying to "prove" that I was right to people. I have always been "The Lawyer" in my family, voicing my strong opinions about nearly everything, but when going to outside world I would try my best to keep those opinions only in my head. Because people are sensitive and violent, they use hypocritical, manipulating and brutal actions to prove that they're right more than actually caring or standing for the right.

But when I looked back from behind, I became somewhat tired and couldn't help but felt old. I'm in my early twenties now, and begin to wonder why I have to convince about something that I believed it was true for others who were so ignorant about it. I understand that people only want peace and stability, they followed the strong ones and left the defenseless alone for the wolves to eat - nothing so different from an amazing ancient ritual of sacrifice somewhere still in the trace of modern human blood. So I grew old and tired, and half-decided to say farewell to go to the end of the world, anywhere that is more isolated and meaningful, take care and live a happily-ever-after life with "my daughter".

I'm curious about Ni and Ne functions mostly. I think I use both of them and still wonder whether my vision was mainly based on Ni or Ne. They're both amazing and easy to use than Feeling factor.

I don't actually keep a diary and write down my feelings much. I almost never write down, "Today I have done X, Y and Z and Friend D. makes me so mad, did you know what she did?" It was a bit pathetic to me. I don't usually write my own feelings or thoughts about another person down. Only my thoughts about the world and how I develop myself... but I usually would leave it in my head.

 

[Lib]

Actually, I'm leaning even strongly to INTJ after the update. I see a lot Ni and Fi here.
You talk about valuing mercy, but show also a justice preference in the situation with the new professor.
An INTJ may feel a strong need for community while trying to avoid people simultaneously because their company is disorderly and discomforting, and will 'love beauty and tranquility'. Many INTJ are people of art, but they are more idea-oriented than people-oriented. Also, the "say-it-over-and-over" stubbornness is INTJ-like.
The need for order and discipline is unusual for an INFP, for example, and an INTJ prefers to follow their own rules. Also, judging others with such confidence but not being so self aware (a self aware person doesn't need to analyse the root of feelings) speaks of INTJ. The firm believe that you will do something great and good to change the world, ignoring the contemporary situation is in my opinion an INTJ thing - strong believe in oneself and future oriented. I see INtj here.

 

[Mal12345]

I'm just adding a quick note about Si-tertiary in the INxP. It is not the same as an Si-dominant.

I did specify concretizing and objectifying, and cited the OP as seeking objectivity. This is a pretty clear-cut admission of Si usage although not in the sense of dominance but as a tertiary function.

 

[Mal12345]

"Although I would say that I do have a good memory, but not a detailed memory." That's not Si in the tertiary position.

- - - Updated - - -

Actually, I'm leaning even strongly to INTJ after the update. I see a lot Ni and Fi here.
You talk about valuing mercy, but show also a justice preference in the situation with the new professor.
An INTJ may feel a strong need for community while trying to avoid people simultaneously because their company is disorderly and discomforting, and will 'love beauty and tranquility'. Many INTJ are people of art, but they are more idea-oriented than people-oriented. Also, the "say-it-over-and-over" stubbornness is INTJ-like.
The need for order and discipline is unusual for an INFP, for example, and an INTJ prefers to follow their own rules. Also, judging others with such confidence but not being so self aware (a self aware person doesn't need to analyse the root of feelings) speaks of INTJ. The firm believe that you will do something great and good to change the world, ignoring the contemporary situation is in my opinion an INTJ thing - strong believe in oneself and future oriented. I see INtj here.

The professor story has more to do with feeling in the introverted attitude.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

Actually, to me, Si function was sort of a shadow enemy.

I guessed it was because I did a lot of mistakes when I was a child. That's why people considered me was an alien and treated me badly. Later I've grown up and whenever I give some thoughts about the past, I regreted many things. Some negative memories would come up like black shadows and seize my mind, they make me confess about my wrong-doings and I can only got over it by thinking, "Whatever, I've made to this day now. Please leave me alone." That's why I said, although I really love The Child of my soul, I ended up wanting to forget the part where the innocence had been ruined by other people.

 

[Lib]

The professor story has more to do with feeling in the introverted attitude.

I see it more as a sensitive reaction to unfair treatment. In general, INFP seem much more unobtrusive.
Even though the P/J, F/T traits are more or less borderline, I still think she is predominantly INTJ.
"I think about my feelings rather than actually feel it" is a classic INTJ line.

 

[Lib]

I'm curious about Ni and Ne functions mostly. I think I use both of them and still wonder whether my vision was mainly based on Ni or Ne. They're both amazing and easy to use than Feeling factor.

Can you give your reference examples to Ni and Ne experience?
If that's right, you are definitely not with a dominant Feeling trait and since you don't seem to have Fe, it could only be INTJ.

The only thing, still kind of unclear to me, is whether you prefer to have some level of control over your environment. Are you irritated by disorder?

 

[ABluePlanetian]

I wasn't sure whether what I called "imagination" could be because of Ni or Ne. I would say that my imagination was not based on feelings, or at least not entirely. It was rooted from my perspective of the world, my observation and the principles I have learnt behind many events, my drive to change the world around me rather than just personal feelings.

Once I got on a tram and I suddenly looked at my hand. The first feeling I got from it was "terrified". I got lost in thoughts and there was like a quick snap, it was like, I woke up (still opened my eyes) from some dream and saw my hand with fingers were moving. I was truly horrified by such experience: it happened when you realized that you're basically and literally just nothing. You are not even a soul, not to mention a soul with a body. You are zero, you were born of nothing and dead for nothing. There was no ego, no "self", nothing. You don't even understand that why they called you by "your name". Is that true that you are what you were called? It's strange because I can still think, but for a minute I did truly feel that I wasn't exist and my existence was only a mere illusion that my karma has been fabricated to trick me. That I was born by my parents, I was born and existed for a name and bound to others, had my past and were looking forward to see my future. But my existence was clearly zero, and even an unnamed wind had more solid presence in this world than I was.

I don't know if it could be an experience of having Ni or not. But I was constantly lost in my thoughts. After having such a terrified experience I ran back home and look into a mirror, and slowly to regain my "identity".

About Ne, I don't know if I've ever used it, but it seemed to have a good description that might fit me, so I will give a try? Basically I spent everyday to create stories and characters. I made them with different characteristics that are unique to them, and tried to analyse and explore in depth about their perspective, emotional and spiritual life. I want my characters to actually live up, like true people in real world and surpise me with their decisions.

I could say more. But this is all I can think of right now.

 

[Lib]

About Ne, I don't know if I've ever used it, but it seemed to have a good description that might fit me, so I will give a try? Basically I spent everyday to create stories and characters. I made them with different characteristics that are unique to them, and tried to analyse and explore in depth about their perspective, emotional and spiritual life. I want my characters to actually live up, like true people in real world and surpise me with their decisions.

That's Ni, not Ne. The latter is about making associations to explain and connect things already existing, the former, materializing what's in your head, since it is rather unclear.

 

[Mal12345]

I see it more as a sensitive reaction to unfair treatment. In general, INFP seem much more unobtrusive.
Even though the P/J, F/T traits are more or less borderline, I still think she is predominantly INTJ.
"I think about my feelings rather than actually feel it" is a classic INTJ line.

Don't forget, Fi is a judging function.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

Pardon?

I'm just confused. What's pride are you talking about? I only thought introverted individuals = prefer to be alone and on one's own, are generally reserved and do not show private life and emotions in public? That's why I classified myself as one.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

deathwarmedup could be correct about some part. It could happen that I read about the description about cognitive functions and interpret it from my understanding, without realizing that what function I'm actually good at. However, I should say that my discussion would be, "What are the functions make me feel most comfortable when using it." I would say I tried to be objective as possible, after all, "objectivity" is in my nature. I always see incidents from unexpected viewpoints, and pull out the final truth as the answer for questions and suspicions. That's why I learnt Buddhism. Most of the Buddhist's perspectives are about "observation of the world and treat every creatures with equality, understanding and compassion". Buddhism essentially is not a religion, if you read its true theory and forget about the traditions and practices which mindless worshippers fabricated through centuries.

I thought I was subsconciously objective. My feelings about people could be quiet subjective, but only when I actually interacted and hated them because of bad experiences during the time I stayed with them. I would say it was "prejudices" more than "subjective feeling", because deep down inside I still think, "Maybe I was a little bit too harsh. She was ignorant at that time, and I acted horribly childish and awkward, but now she might get better. I should have given her another chance." But when I think back about the time we're schoolmates/classmates/friends/acquaintances, I stepped back and decided to move on from that bad relationship.

I could stop using the word "objective" if you want to. Nobody could be entirely see themselves as "the third person" anyway, so instead of praising myself as if I was a wise and observant being, I would call that objectivity is a "suspicion". To be honest, I almost had this huge belief in myself, which should not be mistaken for arrogance or ego, it was just a simple belief that I was born to do something beautiful, nice and helpful for the benefit of this world. I only felt suspicion about the ideas of people around me. I wanted to bring them the truth which I've experimented and learnt. I believed in people, but it was the ability and capacity which humanity had to improve themselves that I trusted, not their ideas. Their ideas and theory about life are always suspicious, always needed to be examined again by interpreting the results they have achieved, the lifestyles they involved in. It is about the drives of these people that makes them suspicious. They had their prejudices and personal outlook of life, and tried to educate or manipulate the mass or unintentionally contributed to the society belief. Yet overall they did live up on their own, so it's so okay because nobody could live this life without making mistakes.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

In addition, English is not my native language. I used to have fun by writing a long fiction on a webpage when I was younger (I generally don't like posting my words much, I was very "academic, formal" and neutral in my likings on social media, but this is an exception, besides, I don't share informations about my identity publicly). A lot of people liked that story and some even asked for my facebook address.

I made friends with some of them, but after all here came the thought, "Did they sincerely like me as a person, or they just like me because of my stories?" These people used to be quiet friendly with me, but after some incidents seeing that I was a bit too... uptight, they decided to limit their time spending with me.

I have to say that I was exceptionally clumsy at making friend. I was out of the place all the time. I was too opinionated about everything, determined to do my own things with a serious attitude to the point that others might have been feel suffocated. That's why I cannot keep a long-term friend and I had to cover up, even repress, my true feelings. I usually entertain others by talking like a baby/clown, mimicking some ridiculous characteristics of certain professors (a few times) and showing quirky trait. But that's only my mask in two minutes. I have to admit that I am awful at being an actor and that's why, I have to stay away from other schoolmates all the time - because I know I could not pretend any longer other than five minutes. I was lost in thoughts whenever somebody trying to deliver any information, just because their topic was so boring and even if it sounded interesting (someone telling about their family matters to me, about their parents got separated and she then had to visit her father with half-brothers and sisters, but she was fine and happy with it), I still could not react properly. I can discuss about ideas and books, but cannot give an emotional feedback, a warm hug or be at least attentive to people who were open to me about their sensitivity.

However, it does not mean that I was insensitive. I only feel awkward when interacting directly to people when it comes to emotional issues. I cannot give them a friendly hug. To me, being close to people and having any kind of intimate expression was something very "strange", unless when I was sincerely and undeniably moved (I was extremely sensitive and tried to be thoughtful to my mother's hurtful complains and cry when she was broken down), as if I was an alien coming to this Earth and cannot understand the way how humanity show their vulnerability and care. But I do care about people's well-being. I cried when I saw a person who got hurt and was left alone, a tragic accident on the news, people suffering because of war, of lies and abuse... Basically I only felt sad and even fell to depression, continuously thought about my duty to this world like a matyr, when the incident touched my idea of humanity. I felt connected to the thought and idea of people being suffered waiting for me to rescue them more than actually connected to the suffering individuals themselves. Seeing a girl who had gone through numerous disasters in everyday news, she was sitting in an isolated bedroom with sunshine and marvellous spring green, told the story about she had been kidnapped and sold to a male stranger whose family forced her to marry him, at that time she was only fourteen or fifteen. That made me feel responsible, angry and an urge to protest.

I think this is more of sympathy and less of empathy.

I can forgive people easily as long as they show some regret and good intention to me. But when I knew that they were stubborn and would not change their opinion, I would punish them by being extremely cold, to the point not even talking or looking at them. One of my relative was actually punished, because she had stepped into my bedroom, pulled out my storybook without asking and even laughed at them, telling them to my mother. I swear if I wasn't born in a civilised society I could have punched her right in the face. But instead of that, from then on I never talk to her again, just because she did not regret about what she did, but also showed some impudent attitude.

I am more goal-oriented than people-oriented. If there is something I wanted to do, I would do it to the end. Usually I would procrastinate many of my story ideas and projects, but the initial shapes, the seeds from a imaginative project would continue to be nurtured in my mind, I brought them everywhere and they would even follow me, I thought thoroughly about the growth and decoration for that tree of ideas, with complex branches and beautiful flowers, waited until they were built up to a mountain of materials, enough for me to write a lengthy story with many characters in it, to construct societies and world that strongly reflect our real world, in short, to create an united body of structures. It would be because of the influence of science studies too. Initially I wanted to become a lawyer and apply my study to international law, social sciences or something similar. But then I enrolled to sciences course (I was quiet good at Biology and Mathematics during high school, but not Physics and Chemistry, although I could if I tried, but at that time I was too dreamy and didn't dedicate enough time to learn them. But the results were still passes).

 

[Lib]

Don't forget, Fi is a judging function.

Good point but Ni reinforced with well-developed Fi may sound like dominant Fi, especially if the INTJ's goal is based on morals.

I want to become a novelist, after my childhood desire of growing up being a painter had been shattered by my ambitious mother and also "the fault in my talent". I figured out that it's easier to express myself with words, so at the end, I choose language as my main focus.
That's finding the straight path to final goal - expressing oneself. The INFP would stick to painting without caring much about perfection (at least at the beginning) or opinions and would follow their 'heart'.

 

[ABluePlanetian]

My environment? You mean my studying space, my bedroom? I would say it's pretty clean. I'm not a neat-freak, but I paid little time of my everyday to clean my room and fold my clothes (although not in the nicest way, but at least I didn't put everything on the floor and socks on my desk, which I saw my former flatmate once did and I was disgusted by the way she lived). Before leaving home for university, I depended those daily matters to other family members, they cleaned the rooms, arranged bookselves and did almost all housechores for me, since I was the youngest child and was allergic to certain detergents. But when I went abroad alone, I became more independent and it took me half a year to learn how to arrange my life. I can cook meals for dinners and wash all the dishes after eating.

I also want to hoard a lot of books, like a small library, although I have to admit it takes time for me to read them all, since I had tons of schoolwork, and also listening to music a lot for meditation taking quiet amount of time. I mainly listened to classical music, ancient religious chanting, although two or three years ago I still listened to fantasy and indie music. I arrange my bookshelf carefully and after all, I chose my flat for the reason that it had frilly white curtains and two big bookshelves, with nature and flowers surrounded outside.

In short, I might not have time and skill to clean the floors so shiny that you can even see your face when looking at it. But I do maintain a certain degree of orderliness in my resident.

 

[Mal12345]

Good point but Ni reinforced with well-developed Fi may sound like dominant Fi, especially if the INTJ's goal is based on morals.

I want to become a novelist, after my childhood desire of growing up being a painter had been shattered by my ambitious mother and also "the fault in my talent". I figured out that it's easier to express myself with words, so at the end, I choose language as my main focus.
That's finding the straight path to final goal - expressing oneself. The INFP would stick to painting without caring much about perfection (at least at the beginning) or opinions and would follow their 'heart'.

Just forget I even said anything. This is hopeless.