ENTP with ENFP spouse
He smothers me with love and the moment we get home from vacation, starts yelling at me about the extra stuff on the floor that I didn't have time to organise prior to the trip. I have a lot of filing/organizing, reimbursements etc to process and it's impossible to plan all his plane tickets etc (cause he is lazy to do it), work my job, commute,and magically organise all my home stuff in one shot too. He just screamed he is moving out in a month and wants me to throw away most of my clothing. He won't go looking at larger homes so that we can actually have some space to live in. What do I do to not be screamed at? I don't have time to address the organising all at once. Trying to do a little bit every day but weekends are fully booked with out of town weddings/conferences this month.
Wow, not type related at all.
Predictably, my answer to your question would be that to leave the guy is one way to end the screaming. But I've been in situations like that and can relate to how paralyzing they can be even though my experiences weren't even half as enmeshed as this sounds like (it sounds like it sucks!). One thing we can still do, though, even when we feel stuck and unable to take action, is use our imaginations. If it's like that for you right now, imagine what it would be like to live with a person rarely or never yells - not because of anything you did or did not do, but because they just don't want to do it. They don't like to do it - just like you. Hell, that person could be yourself - how good and stable we are as our own company can come as a surprise, even a shock. IDK how this sounds to you, but hope it sounds lovely.
Imagining of course won't change the situation, but then again, it can morph into something that does have that capability, and fortunately oneself can help it do that. Whether as fast as a forum thread or longer but hopefully not too much longer, and whether what puts an end to this situation is to leave or something else, I hope your loveliest thoughts do that for you.
Why you are putting up with his abuse completely escapes me. If someone like this threatened to move out in a month I would gladly help him pack.
EDIT: Saw you clarified where this was coming from after more information, and actually take a different stance. Can totally understand the surprise you were coming from here!
I don't find it confusing. Different people will do vastly different things in different situations, that are based on vastly different reasoning and lead to vastly different results (e.g. harm or relief). Decisions can be evaluated by their logic and their results, but that process isn't the same as whether they're emotionally understandable. Because in this system, unlike the logic it is distinct from, they all are - to leave is (as distinct from how it would end the harm), to stay is (as distinct from how it would not end the harm), and even to abuse is (as distinct from it being
wrong as fuck). That's my personal concept of it - that the painful and the empowering ones are in terms of the same basic emotions we're all capable of, so one can't be comprehensible while another isn't. That the most painful things we do are still comprehensible is exactly the reason why they suck, and why life on earth sucks (although it is also so much more). The number of "why"s we could come up with by combining these emotions in different ways could go on for literal days, but this is about OP's own reason to stay or go.
IME, the most helpful thoughts when I am down about things I put up with for too long in the past are along the lines of:
"What you did made sense within your personal context, and in the context of humanity. But anything would, so why not relax about that and pick an approach for next time that on top of that brings you more happiness and relief, and perhaps puts a nice sharp boot heel into harmful crap like what they did. How about this one? Let's do it together (self alongside self, as this all is said while talking to oneself)."
A neat thing about that approach is how while it doesn't reference or explicitly try to sort out the logical and practical differences between one approach and another, somehow the desirable results and logical solidity just kind of congeal on their own as a byproduct.
I wonder...if that's what someone in these shoes wants to hear. Judging by the existence of this thread. Inclined towards no.
Hearing other people say what they themselves want or feel, over and over throughout a lifetime, is precisely what wears people down to the point that these situations become difficult to escape.
While it is a truth that what someone in OP's situations does and when they do it is ultimately up to them, stating it this way negates the message of autonomy.
