(Might I note a perspective shift on your part? It's okay but it does deviate back into an earlier portion of the thread a bit and sort of change the topic of the current convo, and begins to shift the convo to me as a person, rather than a discussion of where communication/judgments failed in the OP.)
As far as my participation in the thread, when I read the OP it was never about it being a Fe-Fi communication misfire, I've always wanted to know whether or not there is neglect happening. To me, it seemed that you were avoiding investigating whether or not neglect was a serious possibility and instead focusing on the fact that you didn't like the way your MIL talked about the family. I still don't believe your MIL holds these people in contempt, disdain, or harbors ill-feeling towards them. As I'm interpreting what you described in the OP, you were privy to a vent of frustration that probably shouldn't have been said
to you because you don't really want to get involved in the situation if something is legitimately amiss.
I still am not sure how you know about the intricacies of the situation considering you are 200 miles away. From what I understand, you have had few encounters with this family and most of what you know about the situation is secondhand through your MIL. Is this correct? From what I understand, you have taken no action to understand the depth of the situation
from the couple, not through you MIL, not what you see from a distance. Is this correct? From what I understand, you believe your MIL is judging this woman and her care of her children on petty and unrealistic standards, i.e. meals not according to a strict schedule (according to your MILs definition of what proper feeding is), canceling drs. appt because of being oppressed by the MIL, the church strongarming this woman and her family into their edicts and commands. Is this correct?
I have no reason to believe your interpretation of your MIL's comments above your MILs assessment of the situation. Your MIL has had the most interaction with this family and has seen things that I know you CANNOT of have seen simply because you are 200 miles away and simply not present to witness events.
Thread Goal-Exploration of a very negative Fi: Fe experience IRL and gain an understanding of why/what is missing in communication and why her words struck me so harshly. Understand how she could feel this way, say one thing and act in another.
Once again, I don't see her acting in one way, behaving in another. You have made the
assumption of you MILs true motivations and feelings towards this family, your Fi scree as someone described it. Another thing I wanted to bring up is this is of course your ex MIL.
You have a previous relationship with her due to a marriage and you history of interactions with her that color your perspective and interpretations of her comments towards her irrespective of her current dealings with this family. My Fe is poking through and you know it's all about relationships, bridges, and connections people have to one another as well. I have speculated about how your past with your MIL is coloring how you view her treatment of this family. I'm a speculative person and can't help but wonder, I'm not trying to cast doubt on you but like I said, hey I'm thinking it...it's rolling around in my head.
Furthermore, you open yourself for me to speculate
about you when you started the thread. I don't see why it's a problem that I ask you about your personal involvement in this vein. You opened your psyche up for us to roam around in, and I'm walking around picking up stuff and opening drawers and cupboards. Is this a guided tour and I entered a room For Authorized Personnel Only? Is the best thing for me not to say explicitly what I'm wondering
about you? Am I making the same mistake your MIL made...thinking I can verbalize my thoughts and I really can't broadcast them? My goals in this thread are different from yours and if I choose the explore my curiosities and speculation, what's the problem with that? I am more than willing to take this to PM if you feel this is a derail.
The purpose is not to 1) judge MIL is EVIL, 2) develop action plans to address family needs or 3) ascertain the absolute truth of neglect
OK, well then I have automatically gone to 2 and 3. That's what mode I'm in. Why aren't those your goals? ETA: Please understand my POV. I'm hearing you as saying, "I'm more interested in figuring out why I feel the way I feel than actually helping people in need." That's illogical to me. One of the things I know I've seen you say repeatedly on this forum is that you go the the person in greatest need. Is this not a clear-cut situation of people in the greatest need?
There may be genuine neglect happening, but according to the fairly objective criteria you listed a few posts earlier, this does not appear to be the case on information shared by MIL or DIL or what I have observed. If I use the term neglect, I recognize the very severe implications that invokes. It isnt simply that you are not raising kids according to how I would do so, but that you are failing in any of the categories you mentioned. MIL uses "neglect" thus far as a term of frustration and it represents her opinions-but does not meet the objective criteria you mentioned. However I do recognize how the concern over real neglect does feed into understanding the MILs commentary and perspective from the posters in the thread.
I've already questioned the extent to what your observations are valid, being 200 miles away and all. How far would you go to figure out if there is real neglect happening, regardless of your MIL questionable assessment and observations?