So firstly id like to apologise to those who have seen me already make a thread about typing me before, it was made in a strange moment that I cannot really explain, but if a moderator is willing to delete it that would be nice.
But ive recently become a little uncertain. Up until this uncertainty I had considered myself to possess the cognitive functions of an INFJ. However while I can identify Ni and Ti, or what I believe Ni and Ti to be, I cannot identify Fe as a strong prescence in my evaluations.
Of course there are different theories floating about. Only recently I read something posted on a different forum about the nature of the tertiary function and how, rather than being inferior to the auxiliary, they sit side by side with each other as a couple of counterbalances to the dominant. Then of course there are cognitive function tests which put across the idea that we possess all 8 but to different degrees.
Lasty of course there is MBTI, a series of grouped letters designed to identify a person's 4 most prevelent functions as part of a catagory of 16 types for measuring behaviour.
Obviously there are probably many other intepretations, but my main problem is: Is the problem with my understanding of MBTI or MBTI itself?
Sorry there arent many questions for people to go off to help type me. Basically im a rather perfectionistic person who can get a bit intense and yet at the same time I possess a rather faecitious sense of humour, sometimes I do wind people up and push buttons, but I usually only do this to friends and they know im joking.
Im usually not a part of any group im with but I often feel like I should be. I feel obligated to join in and laugh or say the right thing at the right time in terms of social convention, but I also feel that if I did this I would lose some part of me that is me so I dont always go along with it.
As a child I was quite nervous and prone to lashing out verbally and physically at those around me, especially if they invaded my personal space. People have noted, especially my parents, that they could not read me in terms of body language or facial expression, my dad in particular expressed a bit of a worry that he could never tell what I was going to do in a situation and it made him nervous.
Ironic considering that his temper and outbursts make me feel the same way. Im not a conflictual person and sometimes this is to a fault. Oddly these days it is as if ive learnt to be more relaxed and opened up, because im far more visually expressive than I used to be.
However I always feel an obligation to help my closest friends and family if they are in trouble, it has been a great source of internal conflict for me that on the one hand is this ideal but on the other is the reality that I am selfish and sometimes I dont like getting dragged into other people's drama. Unfortunately I rarely express this.
Im not sure if I see things in a systemic or logical way, or not. I know that gender bias and roles make us believe we possess traits that often we dont. I have especially noticed many unhealthy male personalities who are adamant that they are using rational, sensible logic, as opposed to the reality of using sensible, rational values. Of course being unhealthy these are more often expressed as irrational and selfish values.
But then again we all possess thinking and feeling so an unhealthy thinker might confuse their flawed logic as being the most sensible choice when in reality it is out of touch with those around him/her. Ok im going off topic.
Im at my happiest when im barely succeeding, I enjoy doing small out of the way jobs because I cannot visualise any future in which I do well in a professional career. This is mainly because I am, for the most part, opposed to competitiveness in life. The competitiveness of the job market, intelligence and life in general seems abhorrent to me.
Not to mention as long as im doing something I dont have my parents worrying about my future and adding to my own worries. Most of my hobbies are both group and personal based. I enjoy painting models and playing warhammer as ive mentioned far too often on here and I frequently visit two different clubs.
To me this is like a social top up, ive spent 5 days in the house, but now I can go out and socialise for just long enough for me and then retreat back home to recharge my batteries. However if you were to meet me in such an environment you would find quite a loud and expressive personality who seems to delight in the company of others.
However I cant escape my need for alone time, I feel both energised by people and by spending time with my thoughts. When younger I would spend months at time by myself without anyone around me and I felt great, but then again I feel great when around others, although at first I am extremely shy in a new environment. I do sometimes miss social cues as well, which is odd because secretly I define myself via others, I have my own individual thoughts but what I really desire is group affirmation and validation, this might be because ive never had it.
I also seem to be a little argumentative without really realising it, sometimes I look at something online or go over what someone has said in my mind and it doesn't fit, there is some flaw or error on their part that I believe ive spotted. However I often get this wrong or jump the gun, im not crusader of rights though, it is merely that I feel strongly about incorrectness or what I perceive as shortsightedness when it comes to other's opinions on things or how they put them forwards.
Of course for every time I do argue there are 500 times im not. I usually overlook things and pretend to ignore them so as to preserve some harmony when im around others. However I also get quite annoyed when someone is completely ignoring what are the rigid and realistic facts of a situation, there are some facts you cannot argue against and which have nothing to do with reliability, yet some people argue against them anyhow which I cannot understand. Often it isn't a case of maybe's or might be's it truely just IS. In that sense I suppose you could say I dislike it when people look for grey reasoning where there is none.
Although a bit of a grey reasoner myself, I can usually judge when it is best to admit the subtleties of a situation or discussion and when it is best to adhere to the facts.
I also get really annoyed when I fail or do not succeed to my own level of standards, I also become frustrated and angry when I dont see an immediate solution to something, whether tangible or not.
I suppose im just a contradiction, many of my morals are personal and subjective, this might seem dangerous to some but im extremely objective on the important ones, the ones which concern life and death.
I always seem to be swinging back and forth across spectrums, never settling, which is odd because this is what I do naturally.
That cant be right can it? I suppose my main goal in life is to live and die, not in a simplistic sense, but I dont seem to have the same ties others do, friends and family come and go but I exist.
I want to hold onto them, but I dont know how. Essentially I want to be free of worries, guilts and prejudices, I want to scream 'FUCK IT' and just enjoy my life in my own way and hopefully bring the ones I love along for the ride. But I dont possess the charisma or charm needed for this and I doubt I ever will.