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  1. #21
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    hmm...I don't remember getting pissed off that she was stripping...

    But then again, it was our last date.

  2. #22
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    So, dilemma: I'm with an ISTP and he wants us to stay together. We're fine when it's just us two, but when I'm put in a social situation with him, I've noticed that other than occasionally checking to see what the other is up to, he doesn't act much like we are a couple, or a "team".

    Until I saw the answers on this thread, I didn't know what to make of this. I thought this meant he just didn't care about me when given the opportunity to be in the company of other females. He's my first ISTP, and this very non-coupley behavior is not what I'm used to. I'm used to openly affectionate and reassuring SF behavior personally.

    But now I see that he might prefer to stay in the background and observe activity and energy, particularly happy/positive activity and energy from his significant other interacting with others. A lot of social interaction drains me as an INFP, and I don't create the energy so much as just appreciate what's already there. I prefer intense one-on-ones to "flitting about", but I think I might be able to learn how to flit and overcome my social anxiety.

    It makes sense that he just wants me to be happy. I too just want to be happy all the time. And be loveable and enthusiastic and silly. And sometimes I can be. But it's not frequent enough. I think the secret to keeping him really happy is simply for me to be really happy and bubbly all the time, wherever I am. The trouble is I am constantly thinking I am not good enough compared to this or that. This really hampers my ability to let go, have fun, and just be "me", which would be the best thing for the health of our relationship.

  3. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    So, dilemma: I'm with an ISTP and he wants us to stay together. We're fine when it's just us two, but when I'm put in a social situation with him, I've noticed that other than occasionally checking to see what the other is up to, he doesn't act much like we are a couple, or a "team".

    Until I saw the answers on this thread, I didn't know what to make of this. I thought this meant he just didn't care about me when given the opportunity to be in the company of other females. He's my first ISTP, and this very non-coupley behavior is not what I'm used to. I'm used to openly affectionate and reassuring SF behavior personally.

    But now I see that he might prefer to stay in the background and observe activity and energy, particularly happy/positive activity and energy from his significant other interacting with others. A lot of social interaction drains me as an INFP, and I don't create the energy so much as just appreciate what's already there. I prefer intense one-on-ones to "flitting about", but I think I might be able to learn how to flit and overcome my social anxiety.

    It makes sense that he just wants me to be happy. I too just want to be happy all the time. And be loveable and enthusiastic and silly. And sometimes I can be. But it's not frequent enough. I think the secret to keeping him really happy is simply for me to be really happy and bubbly all the time, wherever I am. The trouble is I am constantly thinking I am not good enough compared to this or that. This really hampers my ability to let go, have fun, and just be "me", which would be the best thing for the health of our relationship.
    Reading through, your description and revelation of his behavior in social environments is spot on. I typically roam and watch until I find an activity or conversation that engages my attention. I think other ISTP's enjoy watching their partners doing and being.

    The non-coupled approach to social situations it just feels natural for me? Not really sure of why excepting "individuality and free-spirited." As a common behavioral pattern in my life vs. direct thought or feeling.

    I don't expect people to be happily and bubbly all of the time; sometimes I need to talk about certain things too...that are kind of a downer. I don't know about other ISTP's but when I talk about something, I'm not really looking to explore the situation beyond finding a resolution and/or just saying.

    ISTP's have a nearly universal aversion to drama.

    My fiance died of cancer years ago, but I loved watching her interact with her friends and other people. I consider that non-coupling distance in a social environment the highest form of a love expression I can think of...

    To me it says I trust you, and admire your individuality...rebalance that core self so that it can recharge that element and spark that makes us a balanced couple.

    ISTP's are funny creatures, there's usually a distinct moment when we decide we are comfortable trusting someone and let them in.

    As to my oldest and closest friend, we'd been hanging out for weeks...lifting weights, drinking beers, and he'd already asked me to be in his wedding. Wasn't until a couple of weeks later after a day long hiking adventure.

    We were in the car on our way back with the windows rolled down, and a song playing loud. It'd been non-stop conversation until then. Transitioned into quiet, the song was over i stopped the cd changer and we road for many miles without saying a single word.

    It was in that silence and comfortable stillness I found a good friend.

    Just kind of sharing that story to emphasize don't feel like you have to be bubbly all of the time to please anybody.

  4. #24
    full of love Kingfisher's Avatar
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    i am different from you guys, my wife and i tend to stick very close together in social situations. we are much more like a "couple" than two individuals. it usually only takes a few minutes apart from one another before one of us will go and find the other. at parties we are almost always right next to each other. when we are standing i tend to put my arm around her shoulders or her waist a lot. and when we are sitting she leans against me or puts her head on me, which is what i love. so we maintain a lot of closeness at parties and social settings, and if one of us moves around the other generally follows.

    "flitting around" definitely does not describe either of us. it is more like we have an elastic band between us, and when it gets pulled very far at all it snaps us back together, haha.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kingfisher View Post
    i am different from you guys, my wife and i tend to stick very close together in social situations. we are much more like a "couple" than two individuals. it usually only takes a few minutes apart from one another before one of us will go and find the other. at parties we are almost always right next to each other. when we are standing i tend to put my arm around her shoulders or her waist a lot. and when we are sitting she leans against me or puts her head on me, which is what i love. so we maintain a lot of closeness at parties and social settings, and if one of us moves around the other generally follows.

    "flitting around" definitely does not describe either of us. it is more like we have an elastic band between us, and when it gets pulled very far at all it snaps us back together, haha.
    king fisher you are an ISFP lol jks I have no idea.

  6. #26
    full of love Kingfisher's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jixmixfix View Post
    king fisher you are an ISFP lol jks I have no idea.
    a few people have told me that.

  7. #27
    Senior Member seamaid's Avatar
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    My fiance died of cancer years ago, but I loved watching her interact with her friends and other people. I consider that non-coupling distance in a social environment the highest form of a love expression I can think of...

    To me it says I trust you, and admire your individuality...rebalance that core self so that it can recharge that element and spark that makes us a balanced couple.
    That is really beautiful. =) Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me see his relative lack of contact in a completely new way.

    The latter paragraph really shows me that in their own way, ISTPs want their significant other to find themselves and be whole. Which is essentially the goal an INFP strives for all the time. An ENFJ might voice this encouragement, even try to guide this search themselves, but an ISTP I guess simply trusts that the person will make it happen for themselves?

  8. #28
    Senior Member mcmartinez84's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jixmixfix View Post
    That's me as well, I think I would be pissed of if my girlfriend started stripping at a party.
    +1...altho make that "boyfriend" instead of "girlfriend"
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  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by seamaid View Post
    That is really beautiful. =) Wow! Thank you so much for sharing that. It makes me see his relative lack of contact in a completely new way.

    The latter paragraph really shows me that in their own way, ISTPs want their significant other to find themselves and be whole. Which is essentially the goal an INFP strives for all the time. An ENFJ might voice this encouragement, even try to guide this search themselves, but an ISTP I guess simply trusts that the person will make it happen for themselves?
    Yep.

    I think since I need space, I assume that other people want/need space too. Yeah, I really like spending time with you, but we're with other people now, go talk to them, you see me all of the time! It's not that I don't want to be around you, but we're with other people, we'll have plenty of time together later. What's the point in going out with a bunch of people if you're only going to talk to the person you already spend most of your time with? Might as well stay home. Plus, I like knowing that I'm not a total crutch in the relationship. I like seeing the confirmation of independence. I went out with an ENFJ for awhile...and EVERYTHING was "I want to do what you want to do." I got sick of that. I was like "DUDE! Make a decision! It's not all about me!!!" I like it to be close to 50/50 most of the time.
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  10. #30
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    Nice part about being with other people for a social outing is having things to bring back and share during the couple time. Little something extra to talk about.

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