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  1. #1
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    Default On a causal relationship...I need a advice….

    ** Casual relationship I need advice**
    So the story goes…I met this man (an INTP I believe) who said he was only interested in having a “causal relationship”. I was attracted to him and was not interested in a serious relationship, so I decided to give it a whirl.

    Thus far we have been interacting for 6 months. From the beginning he told me he was not interested in anything serious, but brought up he wants to get married someday. He texts almost every day, though we have only met in person 3 times. He travels nearly half of the time for work and is a single father, so he says his time is limited. He continually tells me how wonderful he thinks I am, that he is thinking about me, how much he misses me, and how he wishes I were there with him. He went so far to invite on business trip with him to Europe. He even brought up us getting married in a joking manner and when I question him he said “it is nice to think about”.

    As an INTJ I have a difficult time reading relationships(go figure). I have come to really like him. Because of the manner of his texts it seemed like he was thinking beyond something casual.

    So what brings me to writing this post, is a couple days ago he was traveling and he told me how much he wished I was there with him. Then a few hours later I received a very explicit and intimate text from him begging someone to meet up with him, which was actually intended for someone else (ops). I didn’t know how to respond, so I asked him what he meant (because we had no plans to meet) and his response was “Ok, I get it. And I have not heard from him since.

    I understand we are involved in a causal relationship, but his texts eluded to otherwise. I feel angry, hurt, and led on. (yes INTJ’s have feelings..well every once in awhile anyway). What do you think? Am I overreacting or do I have something to be angry about? What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated.
    Last edited by Lori; 01-31-2011 at 03:52 PM.

  2. #2
    Senior Member Greta's Avatar
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    Ah... Another flip-floppy, weasely INTP dude is *potentially* poised to leave destruction in his wake.
    Tread carefully. Yours is a common complaint. They are not infrequently poison, as the many threads in the NT and Relationships sections by hapless chicks dating INTx dudes will show. Take a look around.

    There should be a PSA or something.

  3. #3
    Superwoman Red Herring's Avatar
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    Are you sure the message was directed at somebody else? Could it have been a continuation of the conversation on how he misses you? Does it mention another name or are you just assuming he couldn't have meant you because you had agreed you wouldn't meet up? Is it possible he texted you to show he missed you and was put off by your reaction or just plain busy?

    If you are sure the message was intended for somebody else, screw him! Sooner or later you probably will hear from him and then you can still confront him and discuss the terms of your "casual" deal...if you are still interested. But if he sweet talks this much and still has somebody else at the side, I would not take him seriously and move on.
    The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge, nor knowledge without love can produce a good life. - Bertrand Russell
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  4. #4
    Senior Member ScorpioINTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greta View Post
    Ah... Another flip-floppy, weasely INTP dude is *potentially* poised to leave destruction in his wake.
    Tread carefully. Yours is a common complaint. They are not infrequently poison, as the many threads in the NT and Relationships sections by hapless chicks dating INTx dudes will show. Take a look around.

    There should be a PSA or something.
    Generalize much?

    Only seen him 3x in 6 mos? Don't you want something more? You might as well confront him with what happened, rather than play a game. Direct honesty is always best IMO, despite being difficult to do sometimes.
    Type 6w5 sp/so/sx I think..I have not fully explored this and just discovered it.

  5. #5
    Superwoman Red Herring's Avatar
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    Ooops, I had overlooked the bit about only meeting 3 times. In that case there is a lot to catch up on either way. How can he talk about a future if you have hardly seen each other? That does seem to support the sweet talker theory (that or he is very naive). There definitely are some issues beyond fidelity.
    The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge. Neither love without knowledge, nor knowledge without love can produce a good life. - Bertrand Russell
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Greta's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ScorpioINTP View Post
    Generalize much?
    Yes, and it's not a dirty word.

    Quote Originally Posted by ScorpioINTP View Post
    Only seen him 3x in 6 mos? Don't you want something more? You might as well confront him with what happened, rather than play a game. Direct honesty is always best IMO, despite being difficult to do sometimes.
    Quote Originally Posted by Lori
    I was attracted to him and was not interested in a serious relationship, so I decided to give it a whirl.
    Game: saying casual only. acting something else. In both corners.

  7. #7
    Senior Member ScorpioINTP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greta View Post

    Game: saying casual only. acting something else. In both corners.
    I wasn't referring to the overall "game", but you make a valid point. I mean she should find out if he was indeed texting someone else or if it was a misunderstanding, rather than play long or jump to conclusions (but having just re-read that I guess that was indeed the case). I am just a little perplexed why she replied "what do you mean?" if she knew it was meant for someone else. His reply is even odder. I don't quite understand the whole thing to be honest. Too much missing information and don't know what was said.

    It is natural to mix up feelings with sex to some extent. I've had casual relationships turn into something serious too. Is this a long distance thing or is he just that busy? If he stays in different locations, maybe he has someone in each place.

    If you have only seen him 3 times, maybe he has had you mixed up with someone else all along :-) jks
    Last edited by Bellflower; 01-31-2011 at 09:01 AM.
    Type 6w5 sp/so/sx I think..I have not fully explored this and just discovered it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member ExAstrisSpes's Avatar
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    I suspect that INTPs tend to not be very in touch with their feelings, or what they are doing in/with their relationships in general.

    I've been involved with an INTP for a while (many, many threads are out there dealing with my attempts to understand his behavior). I've noticed he "thinks" or considers the relationship much more casually than I do, but then will re-evaluate and say that the relationship is much closer to what I think it is later. I base where the relationship is on his behavior. He literally went from "I thought we were dating very casually, I don't see us being together long-term" to "We are in a serious relationship" in six weeks.

    He certainly acts more serious that he says he is, which is the confusing thing for me. "Are we, or aren't we dude?" One of his friends recently told me that my INTP referred to me (to his good friend and work buddies) as his "girlfriend" and this friend had to rub it in to him a bit, since we've been dating for a while now. "Oh, she's your *girlfriend* now, huh?" *nudge nudge wink wink*

    That said, I think this guy is not worth your time. Long-distance relationships are really not worth it, especially if it's going to be "casual".

  9. #9
    Unlimited Dancemoves ® AgentF's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lori View Post
    **need advice
    So the story goes…I met this man (an INTP I believe) who said he was only interested in having a “causal relationship”. I was attracted to him and was not interested in a serious relationship, so I decided to give it a whirl.

    Thus far we have been interacting for 6 months. From the beginning he told me he was not interested in anything serious, but brought up he wants to get married someday. He texts almost every day, though we have only met in person 3 times. He travels nearly half of the time for work and is a single father, so he says his time is limited. He continually tells me how wonderful he thinks I am, that he is thinking about me, how much he misses me, and how he wishes I were there with him. He went so far to invite on business trip with him to Europe. He even brought up us getting married in a joking manner and when I question him he said “it is nice to think about”.

    As an INTJ I have a difficult time reading relationships(go figure). I have come to really like him. Because of the manner of his texts it seemed like he was thinking beyond something casual.

    So what brings me to writing this post, is a couple days ago he was traveling and he told me how much he wished I was there with him. Then a few hours later I received a very explicit and intimate text from him begging someone to meet up with him, which was actually intended for someone else (ops). I didn’t know how to respond, so I asked him what he meant (because we had no plans to meet) and his response was “Ok, I get it. And I have not heard from him since.

    I understand we are involved in a causal relationship, but his texts eluded to otherwise. I feel angry, hurt, and led on. (yes INTJ’s have feelings..well every once in awhile anyway). What do you think? Am I overreacting or do I have something to be angry about? What should I do? Any advice would be appreciated.
    i assume by causal you mean casual? if so:

    are you actually interested in a casual relationship? you say you "understand we are involved in [that kind of] relationship". that is a passive stance. what do you actually want?

    the best advice i can offer you is this: HOPE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

    also:

    feel free to peruse my journey with a wonderful! and emotionally unavailable INTx here. it is an exciting blueprint for delusional behavior and how to rationalize all kinds of unacceptable acts on the part of the man for whom you have feelings.

    w/r/t dating men with children:
    as a woman who has dated a few men (all, coincidentally, INTs) with children from previous marriages, i can tell you that you are in for a ride, depending on how recently he is divorced, how unhealthy the dynamic with his ex is, how chaotic his life may still be, etc. the important thing to know is that you are not in a relationship with a man with children until you start having serious discussions about the role he would like you to play in his children's lives. not just wishful thinking and pillow-talk. i'm talking about Q&A on your parenting skills, whether you want more children, what your views are on various parenting-related topics. once you've had those discussions you jointly plan how to phase you into their lives. until then, you are in the girlfriend zone. and sometimes you will *stay* in the girlfriend zone because he really may only want a girlfriend for now. or, you may not make the mommy cut. and guess what? there is virtually nothing you're going to be able to do to change that.

    and the text he mistakenly sent you? you have feelings for a man who is layin' down pipe with at least one other woman?? get some popcorn and read my posts. and enjoy second-hand heartbreak, rather than live it.
    Last edited by AgentF; 01-28-2011 at 06:45 PM. Reason: engrish
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  10. #10
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    Thanks everyone for your imput. Your responses have given me alot of clarity and help me get back into a more logical and thinking mode (feeling and emotional land is a bit uncomfortable).

    Quote Originally Posted by Red Herring View Post
    If you are sure the message was intended for somebody else, screw him! Sooner or later you probably will hear from him and then you can still confront him and discuss the terms of your "casual" deal...if you are still interested. But if he sweet talks this much and still has somebody else at the side, I would not take him seriously and move on.
    Yes, definitely this text was directed at someone else. And yes, I have heard from him today (3 days later), as if nothing has changed. Says he was "thinking of me", imagine that!! Wtf! I will see him when he is back home. Just texting about how I feel will not make him be held accountable enough. In person is a better way for him to see how I feel and to see his reactions to what I say and get his perspective. However, I don't thin it will hold much validity at this point. :steam:

    Quote Originally Posted by agentfurrina View Post
    i assume by causal you mean casual? if so:

    Are you actually interested in a casual relationship? you say you "understand we are involved in [that kind of] relationship". that is a passive stance. what do you actually want?

    the best advice i can offer you is this: HOPE IS NOT A RELATIONSHIP.

    also:

    feel free to peruse my journey with a wonderful! and emotionally unavailable INTx here. it is an exciting blueprint for delusional behavior and how to rationalize all kinds of unacceptable acts on the part of the man for whom you have feelings.

    and the text he mistakenly sent you? you have feelings for a man who is layin' down pipe with at least one other woman?? get some popcorn and read my posts. and enjoy second-hand heartbreak, rather than live it.
    Yes, long night

    Yes, very true. I suppose I did get a bit whimsical and get caught up in the "what if" part of it all because of course I do not know him well, but there were certain things about him I really enjoyed (I am really attracted to INTP's..ugh). I usually find them to be more honest and less caculating.

    Thanks for referring me to your threads. Your experiences are not in vain, I will not fall further victim to his behavior .

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