[INFJ] ENFP Guy Friend

[aliceinfj]

So... how many times does this topic appear monthly if not weekly right?

I have a friend who is an ENFP and it's I guess odd in a way to figure out where he is in some respects in his approach towards me. We are both VERY much unavailable romantically but I feel this persistence in the friendship if that is the appropriate term... an effort in a way still coming from this ENFP to remain consistent in my life, to ask deeper and deeper questions, and an effort at reciprocating how much I do care for him. He's just difficult to figure out, and I have this need to square up in my mind exactly where we are and who we are to each other. I feel as though I am constantly overthinking things.

I want to hear from fellow INFJs as well as ENFPs on this subject, how do you feel in forming close bonds with those of the opposite gender and how do you quantify relationships with opposite genders as adults, and define this bond between INFJ and ENFPs?

Here are some specifics:

• 
  
  He texts regularly, like almost daily and several times a day, even though I know he is very busy. Makes an effort to let me know when he will be unavailable and his timeline(s) for being out of pocket for swaths of time. In fact our primary communication is written which I understand to be quite difficult for him to process, but again I sense this concentrated effort coming from him to maintain communication.
  
  As in typical INFJ fashion I give words of affirmation from a deep seeded spiritual place: I want him to know he is loved and appreciated just as he is; warmly accepted in my home and with my family. But I also don't want to overstep my boundaries and insert myself in areas I do not belong. I wait for his lead in these areas.
  
  As I said, we are both highly unavailable, I am married so I am trying to balance being supportive, caring, a true honest to goodness friend to a man who is not my husband. But there again there is this connection which I find difficult to comprehend. He is as well unavailable but I sense this effort, and I don't want to ever lead him on or be considered out of my social mores But I do care, and in fact love him quite deeply. So I have to work consistently to reconcile this with my own internal value system. The relationship must never cross one of these internal boundaries if that makes sense.
  

So any and all advice is of course welcome. This is my first post here so just want to stick my toe in the water on a subject Ive been curious about for some time.

 

[RainbowGirlAli]

Oh my God, this is literally exactly what I'm going through right now.. And every word of this sounds like it came from my mind lmao

I'm sorry that no one has responded to this, and I wish I could offer you more advice. I'm not married, but I am in a committed relationship with a man I've been with for four and a half years. I do love him (my boyfriend), even though we're different. Even though it seems like he could never understand me the way my ENFP friend does. My ENFP friend has a way with words that just kills me on a basis. I am always thinking of him and it's like really messing with my emotions, because like you, I also have that "internal value system". (Especially as an Enneagram Type 6).

He was in my life years ago. I knew we had feelings for each other and thought we would become something. But due to some unfortunate events between friends, this did not happen, and I had given up on the possibility of us ever being more than friends. However, since he's came back into my life (which he did on his own), I have really been struggling emotionally and you could not have said it better. And at this point, there is almost nothing we haven't talked about, and this includes things that I have had difficulty talking with my boyfriend about.

But also as you said, writing is our main focus of contact (on social media), because I've lived in a different state now for the past..seven or so years. I will be going down to visit family next month and have plans to see him. I completely understand your fear of not wanting to overstep any boundaries on his end, as well as understanding that we need to make sure that the relationship with the ENFP does not overstep any boundaries of our inner morals (as well as our relationships).

What's worse is that my ENFP just went through a serious break up of a woman he's been with for three years, and loves very much. He's been going through a lot and I notice, I won't say dependent but he definitely seems to appreciate our convos and communication. And it makes me really happy to be able to be there for him.

As hard as it is for me with my relationship, part of me feels that your situation is a bit more complicated. Even though this relationship is one that I will not leave lightly. If I ended this it would be very hard for me to let it go. But another reality is that, even if that were to happen, I cannot move back and my ENFP friend cannot move here.

I do not understand this utter connection and attraction we have with our ENFP friend's, myself. However, this is where our judgement function needs to act accordingly. Because our decisions will greatly effect our relationships and our future. I wish I could offer more advice here, but I can't because it seems we are going through it together LoL But I am really glad you have posted this and I hope this post gets more attention.

My name is Ali and feel free to stop by and chat with me anytime. <3

 

[RainbowGirlAli]

So..I wrote you this really long post. And now I don't even freaking see it

 

[RainbowGirlAli]

I'm gonna post it again. For the third freaking time LoL. Glad I copied it. Sorry but it's a novel

Oh my God, this is literally exactly what I'm going through right now.. And every word of this sounds like it came from my mind lmao

I'm sorry that no one has responded to this, and I wish I could offer you more advice. I'm not married, but I am in a committed relationship with a man I've been with for four and a half years. I do love him (my boyfriend), even though we're different. Even though it seems like he could never understand me the way my ENFP friend does. My ENFP friend has a way with words that just kills me on a basis. I am always thinking of him and it's like really messing with my emotions, because like you, I also have that "internal value system". (Especially as an Enneagram Type 6).

He was in my life years ago. I knew we had feelings for each other and thought we would become something. But due to some unfortunate events between friends, this did not happen, and I had given up on the possibility of us ever being more than friends. However, since he's came back into my life (which he did on his own), I have really been struggling emotionally and you could not have said it better. And at this point, there is almost nothing we haven't talked about, and this includes things that I have had difficulty talking with my boyfriend about.

But also as you said, writing is our main focus of contact (on social media), because I've lived in a different state now for the past..seven or so years. I will be going down to visit family next month and have plans to see him. I completely understand your fear of not wanting to overstep any boundaries on his end, as well as understanding that we need to make sure that the relationship with the ENFP does not overstep any boundaries of our inner morals (as well as our relationships).

What's worse is that my ENFP just went through a serious break up of a woman he's been with for three years, and loves very much. He's been going through a lot and I notice, I won't say dependent but he definitely seems to appreciate our convos and communication. And it makes me really happy to be able to be there for him.

As hard as it is for me with my relationship, part of me feels that your situation is a bit more complicated. Even though this relationship is one that I will not leave lightly. If I ended this it would be very hard for me to let it go. But another reality is that, even if that were to happen, I cannot move back and my ENFP friend cannot move here.

I do not understand this utter connection and attraction we have with our ENFP friend's, myself. However, this is where our judgement function needs to act accordingly. Because our decisions will greatly effect our relationships and our future. I wish I could offer more advice here, but I can't because it seems we are going through it together LoL But I am really glad you have posted this and I hope this post gets more attention.

My name is Ali and feel free to stop by and chat with me anytime. <3

 

[Starry]

[MENTION=33204]aliceinfj[/MENTION] [MENTION=33692]RainbowGirlAli[/MENTION]



Obviously every ENFP is different...and all I can provide here is what I think is most likely occurring based on my overall understanding of the ENFP type and what the behavior would mean if I were doing it. From the little the two of you described I honestly don't get the sense either ENFP is actively pursuing a romantic or affair styled relationship with you. We are forward moving NFs that follow the connections we feel regardless of gender (or marital status) <-which is what is constantly raising eyebrows and getting us in trouble btw. Most of us are simply blind to this stuff...and if we do happen to *see it*...we don't understand why it should matter. For example...all three of my best male friends are now married. One wife liked me straight away...and now we do more stuff together than me and my male friend. Two of the wives hated me from the start and I'm still cast out. I did not see that coming.

If these are average ENFP males with average health I would expect them to be pretty upfront and honest with you about their feelings... Ne>Fi we don't experience the same shame and embarrassment regarding these things as it appears other types may...and will blurt a lot of shit out when the opportunity arises...which also... is constantly raising eyebrows and getting us in trouble btw. I would just flat out ask them "What's going on here?" if there is a concern. I can pretty much assure you he will not think poorly of you for doing so but rather appreciate it immensely. If you truly care...DO NOT attempt to think for them/him.

Regardless of degree of moral upstanding...most ENFPs are not going to get in there and intentionally try to break up a family. We *love* our romantic memories...we are nostalgic storytellers...and that is really going to fuck things up for us..."Remember that one time when I surprised you with handpicked wildflowers when you were coming out of the courthouse after that child custody hearing and your soon to be ex beat the shit out of me in the parking lot?" We like interesting...but not that interesting. We also don't have that kind of patience... we want the journey to begin now...we love that feeling of uninterrupted forward flow...that helps us know when things are *right* even when times are difficult. There's too much wasted time and back-tracking starting a relationship that way...that most ENFPs wouldn't willingly set themselves up for it...if the pain and hurt caused to others wasn't enough to stop them.

Do they want a no-strings-attached affair? Possibly...but then they are going to do something about it. I can't see an ENFP male devoting large amounts of time talking deeply via text to some old friend in order to have an affair. If an affair is what we want we will want that to start immediately.


I think these guys just really love you as human beings. I can also tell you that I often value the time I spend with men I know nothing is going to happen with...so I can truly be myself without having to worry about all the ways I'm probably raising eyebrows and getting myself into trouble.

Ask them though. Just ask them.