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Thread: i need advice

  1. #1
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    Default i need advice

    i need help. idk what to do, lately i have just been so depressed.
    here's the deal:
    i have a very close group of friends.. there are about 16 people that i regularly hang out with, and 8 that are in my "core" group. of these 8 there are 4 guys and 4 girls.
    so, i'm pretty close with all of the guys. to be honest.. most of these guys actually consider ME to be their best friend. so yeah, i'm tight with them.
    the thing is.. once we start hanging out as a big group, i start to feel so disconnected for some reason. it's like i can't keep up with the conversations. i hate it. eventually i'll just be off in my own world.. not saying anything at all. occasionally one of my friends will try to say something to me or acknowledge me, but i can tell it's just because i'm bringing the mood down.

    it's really hard for me to keep up when half of hanging out in a big group is just fighting for attention.. i am the only introvert in my group and it sucks that most of them don't understand what i'm going through.

    here is where i need advice:

    i got invited to my friend's cabin this weekend. there would be 10 of us there, including myself. the thing is.. i really don't want to go. at all.
    i mean, i want to go.. i just have a feeling that i won't have fun. and it's not like anyone would actually care if i came or not. i wish i could go and just let loose and have fun, but recently i haven't been able to do that when i'm hanging out with more than 3 or 4 people.

    i have a couple options:
    1: just go. suck it up and try to have a good time. this is really the last thing i want to do.

    2: talk over the ride. if i go, i'm getting a late ride with just one of my friends (another reason i don't want to go, i find it really difficult to settle down when i'm joining a group late). the good thing is that i'm getting a ride with my nicest, most understanding female friend. maybe all i really need is to talk to someone in the group.

    3: talk about it tonight. maybe it would help me make my decision. though i really only have a few people i would be willing to open up to, and chances are we will be hanging out as a group.

    4: don't go. this would be sooooo much easier. i have a feeling i would regret doing this, but something tells me i'll regret whatever i do...

    i guess the root of my problem is that it is really hard for me to let people get close. because of this i'm pretty sure that a lot of my friends think i don't even like them. i really do like them, i just don't know how to show it.. really, opening up like this to one of my friends would be one of the hardest things for me to do.
    so.. any advice would be appreciated. thanks

  2. #2
    Senior Member Liesl's Avatar
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    All I can tell you is that whenever I've found a [real] friend, they have been able to accept me the way I am. And that means not being bothered by inconsistent communication or attendance at group social events. I need to be able to do my own thing and to be myself. Not surprisingly, a lot of my friends are the "need to be able to do my own thing, be myself" type too.

    And though I'm not quiet in groups, I'm often forward and passionate. This is not a universally appreciated quality either, but my friends can appreciate it in me.

    I understand your dilemma, and whilst I cannot decide what is best for you to do, if I were in your position, I would choose not to go and wait for a more understanding and flexible group of friends. But if you really valued or needed this group, then I guess you would choose differently...

    Feel better. This situation won't last forever.

  3. #3
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    Do whatever makes you happy. Or whatever you feel the most content with.

    I would personally just stay home.

  4. #4
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by soft View Post
    i have a very close group of friends.. there are about 16 people that i regularly hang out with, and 8 that are in my "core" group. of these 8 there are 4 guys and 4 girls.
    so, i'm pretty close with all of the guys. to be honest.. most of these guys actually consider ME to be their best friend. so yeah, i'm tight with them.
    the thing is.. once we start hanging out as a big group, i start to feel so disconnected for some reason. it's like i can't keep up with the conversations. i hate it. eventually i'll just be off in my own world.. not saying anything at all. occasionally one of my friends will try to say something to me or acknowledge me, but i can tell it's just because i'm bringing the mood down.
    Wow, I can relate a lot to your post! Especially the bolded part. I know it sucks to be the only introvert in a huge group of extraverts.

    For the trip, I'd say go. I know it's scary, but I believe that we should try to push ourselves out of our comfort zone sometimes. Option 2 sounds like the best thing to do. Try to find opportunities to talk one-on-one or with a small group of people and try opening up to feeling types first, as they might be able to relate to what you feel better. Even if you end up not having fun, maybe you can use it as an opportunity to sort of observe other people's interactions and analyze your group dynamics, which might help you feel more comfortable later on.

    You sound so very INFP and for some reason your post is very heart-warming

    Good luck!

  5. #5
    Member Cephalonimbus's Avatar
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    Personally, i would go. A year ago, i definitely would have stayed home. But i've ran away for things i find hard all my life and it's been wrecking my self esteem.


    But that's just me... Whether you should go or not is of course entirely up to you, but here's some food for thought i hope you will find useful:
    • It's not a crime to be the most quiet person in the room.

    • When there are 10 people at a cabin, there should be opportunities to mingle in smaller groups. I doubt you'll be sitting in a big circle all weekend long. I have the same problems with interacting in larger groups, but when i'm a larger social gathering i look for opportunities to talk to a few people at a time, even if there are other people in the room. That way you're still social, but in a way you can deal with.

    • The ride with your most understanding friend seems like a good opportunity to talk about it in a private, safe atmosphere.

    • Although it's difficult for you to open up (and i certainly can relate to that), remember that the more your friends understand why you sometimes act aloof, the better they can respond to it.

    • Just because you're sure they engage you in the conversation because you're "bringing the mood down" doesn't mean it's true. I can't tell you how many times i've felt the same way, but ended up being wrong. These are your friends and several of them consider you to be their best friend. It's only natural for them to want you to be part of the conversation and have a good time. And they'll appreciate your presence. I get the feeling you're projecting your own insecurity onto them. Surely they already know you're not the most outgoing person, but if they didn't like your presence, you wouldn't have been invited.

    • You say you feel as if you'll only regret whatever you do, but in my experience that's only true if you have unrealistic expectations. No, you won't be the center of attention and yes you'll probably have moments where you zone out and lose track of the conversation, but i'm sure you can have a good time even if you are significantly more quiet than the others. And if you do go, you can at least be proud of yourself for doing something you find difficult.



    Well, whatever you decide to do, i wish you the best
    ik sprokkel wat dagen, drop baggage,
    soms heb ik geen zin om die koffers te dragen,
    ik laat los, los het op, word onzichtbaar
    en geef de buitenlucht wat ruimte terug
    dus.. nu zit ik op m'n fiets alsof het niets is,
    maar niets kan toch niet uit zichzelf pedalen laten draaien?

    ~ Typhoon

  6. #6
    Senior Member Rebe's Avatar
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    I think you should definitely go. I understand your discomfort and sympathize. I have a very small group of 'best' friends so I never feel left out. I prefer a three-person dynamic. I am best when I am engaged by someone instead of being the one to constantly 'fight' for engagement or attention.

    I am trying to think what our issues with it is. Could be self-consciousness, could be that we don't like to 'show off', we like laid-back, relaxed conversation, not when everyone is bouncing around. Are you the only intuitive in the group? That would be incredibly difficult.

    Another thing I notice from your post however is that ... you don't feel that they are your 'real' friends or really care for you even though eight are your 'core' friends. If that is so, why are they even considered your friends? The core of friendship is trust, loyalty and interest in each other.

    I don't have acquaintances so I don't know what that dynamic is like. I know that I don't open up about personal details and I am tight-lipped. I definitely say to go and try your best to have fun, at least have the experience. Don't avoid. I think that makes it worse. Unless you feel that you have no energy, then you may as well not go. If you aren't going because of fear, that's stupid.

    Go out there and see what you can do, improvise on the spot, get out of your head a bit, see what the other ones are doing, how they are fitting in. Perhaps pick a very close friend and share with them this dilemma and see what they can say to advice you. Sometimes what you perceive from others is totally wrong.



    Oh okay, Cep. said the same thing.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rebe View Post
    Another thing I notice from your post however is that ... you don't feel that they are your 'real' friends or really care for you even though eight are your 'core' friends. If that is so, why are they even considered your friends? The core of friendship is trust, loyalty and interest in each other.
    yea.. i know that was confusing. what i mean is that i am very close to like half of the people in the group.. these people have been my best friends for over ten years. the others are still good friends, and i always have a blast with them when we're hanging in a small group.. i know they all care about me. i guess what i meant when i said that they wouldn't care is that my absence wouldn't make a difference because i would just be uninvolved anyways.

    (i didn't really think it was necessary to explain, but the dynamics of my group have shifted in the past year, and i've been having a lot of problems with a specific girl that i can't get over. last year it was a lot easier for me to be social with all of my friends)

    but i think i am gonna go, and try to just deal with it.. everyone's advice really did help, i'm feeling better already! thanks a lot

  8. #8
    Senior Member Sparrow's Avatar
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    I was in a similar situation 4th of July weekend...I just wasnt in the mood to be social whatsoever. But I felt obligated to go, so I went. I was awkward and weird the first couple hours, but ended up having fun later I guess I just had to get warmed up. We ended up having a really fun and memorable time! Its nice to have at least one person there that you know you can relate to though, bring a close friend who will stick by your side, maybe tell them you need them there as your side kick!
    Fe | Ni | Se | Ti ... 3w4 ... Lawful Neutral ... Johari -Nohari

  9. #9
    Senior Member Chris_in_Orbit's Avatar
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    I guess I'll go against the grain and say you don't have to go.

    So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)

    It honestly sounds like you haven't gotten to a point where you are comfortable with YOURSELF. You probably know what you want but you keep sabotaging yourself by overthinking things or whatever it is you are doing.

    If you don't like being in a big group, why put yourself through the situation? If you like your alone time or more intimate time with a few people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you have to accept that preference before your friends will.

    Stay at home, if you want to. Go to this gathering, if you want to. But do whatever will be most comfortable to you. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to do what is in your own interest; you have that right.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Liesl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chris_in_Orbit View Post
    I guess I'll go against the grain and say you don't have to go.

    So many people talk about pushing themselves out of their comfort zones (and even now I still don't fully understand the purpose or meaning of this saying.)

    It honestly sounds like you haven't gotten to a point where you are comfortable with YOURSELF. You probably know what you want but you keep sabotaging yourself by overthinking things or whatever it is you are doing.

    If you don't like being in a big group, why put yourself through the situation? If you like your alone time or more intimate time with a few people, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But you have to accept that preference before your friends will.

    Stay at home, if you want to. Go to this gathering, if you want to. But do whatever will be most comfortable to you. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to do what is in your own interest; you have that right.
    I totally agree with this. You should choose to do whatever you think is in your own best interest. Only you can fully understand what is best for you.

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