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Thread: ENFJ behaviour

  1. #1
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    Question ENFJ behaviour

    Hello, I have a question about ENFJs,

    I've seen that ENFJs reveal more to people they're close to, but do they behave differently too? Are they more likely to be toned down and less extravagant?

    When ENFJs are being extreme is that for their own enjoyment or are they trying to entertain others? ...or is that the same thing.

    And is it always the case that ENFJs are upfront about someone they like, I sort of get the feeling that mixed messages from an ENFJ is always a bad sign. But maybe just like everyone they find real intimacy a bit scary so might need to back off sometimes. Is there any foolproof test to see how deeply an ENFJ feels..?


    Thanks

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    Quote Originally Posted by pinballs View Post
    Hello, I have a question about ENFJs,

    I've seen that ENFJs reveal more to people they're close to, but do they behave differently too? Are they more likely to be toned down and less extravagant?

    When ENFJs are being extreme is that for their own enjoyment or are they trying to entertain others? ...or is that the same thing.

    And is it always the case that ENFJs are upfront about someone they like, I sort of get the feeling that mixed messages from an ENFJ is always a bad sign. But maybe just like everyone they find real intimacy a bit scary so might need to back off sometimes. Is there any foolproof test to see how deeply an ENFJ feels..?


    Thanks
    They can become very giddy, playful, very much like an ENFP at times. When focused on others, they love to tell stories in ways to extract the most feeling. It is very entertaining. Fe allows them to control feelings and they are good at it. If you have a group of friends the person that can seem to always grab the attention is the ENFJ. They can twist and bend stories to extract the most emotion making it funnier, more horrifying, etc.

    You will know as you become close. I have observed with my wife a turning point in relationships with people around her. The closer you get the more mixed feelings you will see. At a certain point all hell breaks loose and its at that point that people decide there distance with them. What they want to disclose, what they want to hide, etc. I dont know if this is on purpose, or a test, its just something I have witnessed over and over with alot of people.

    They have many sides to extreme, sometimes its entertainment, other times its to get what they want. My wife tells everyone that she loves them. She has the mentality that is driven by dominant Fe that actions speak louder than words. This is because they are so good at twisting words to control feelings that they do not trust words. They are not ones who twist actions. Since its there strength they realize everyone "has the ability" to do this since we are all human, but like all of us dont realize that not everyone has that strength. That we are not all out to twist what we say around to bring out feelings in others. The pitfall to tertiary Se though seems to be that they dont trust what other people say about there actions because people can twist words. So they assign there own intentions to others actions.

    Atleast thats my understanding from 12 years with an ENFJ.

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    thanks for this, the words and actions comment is really helpful, I've found it difficult not to think of an ENFJ I know as ..detached from the truth in a slightly unhealthy way, not seeing it as important as long as people feel good at that moment in time. but if he expects words to be taken with pinch of salt, but actions to be where statements are truly made.. that makes a lot of sense.

    as for things blowing up, we've had one massive confrontation about different lifestyles, and about how he felt, and a few other less serious - over five years, and one period of losing touch completely for a few months.

    now we are friends and important to each other i think, but it doesn't feel balanced. neither of us know about the other's everyday life in much detail, we always talk about big concepts and emotions and are both very private, but i do feel like it's me pushing him quite often.

    i just wonder if it's reached as far down as it's going to get and i'm wasting my time in waiting for it to progress, when he's only maintaining things to keep the peace. or does value me but on a very specific level that isn't going to change.

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    Senior Member TopherRed's Avatar
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    Default An ENFJ Perspective

    Hello, I have a question about ENFJs,

    I've seen that ENFJs reveal more to people they're close to, but do they behave differently too? Are they more likely to be toned down and less extravagant?
    Well that depends by what you mean by "tone down" and "less extravagant". We will tone down for an INFP because you ground us.

    Can you cope when we have our first emotional outburst? If you are there for us, it may be our last (well, our last real one). INFPs tend to have a grounding effect on me; I open up because I know I can trust you; this opening is what alleviates the pressure and I don't "storm". "Storming" is not the SJ anger, it's more a generally, emotionally unstable period of time when my tanks are full and I just cannot hold any more negative energy, so it lets off in an unhealthy way (journaling helps to alleviate this if nobody is around who I trust to listen), unless I know there's somebody I can trust with the deepest parts of my heart to let them know what's going on with me.

    ENFJs are very sensitive to overburdening people...if we get that from you, we won't open up. Trapped in a less-than-open relationship will not be good for our emotional or physical health.

    When ENFJs are being extreme is that for their own enjoyment or are they trying to entertain others? ...or is that the same thing.
    Well...it can be both. Sometimes we entertain others with a goal in mind. Sometimes there's a member of the opposite sex involved, so we climb that mountain in the middle of the room and find a very Tony Stark-ish way of acheiving attention. We will then slowly zoom in on our target, until we charm the person we wanted to charm. Sometimes, we really do just want to be entertaining--feeds into our attention needs in a positive way, depending on what we do.

    And is it always the case that ENFJs are upfront about someone they like, I sort of get the feeling that mixed messages from an ENFJ is always a bad sign. But maybe just like everyone they find real intimacy a bit scary so might need to back off sometimes. Is there any foolproof test to see how deeply an ENFJ feels..?
    We are just as fallable in that department as you are--real intimacy can be scary, especially if we've got other things going on; intimacy is our Omega Directive--we drop as much as we can allow oursleves to pursue it. Mixed messages may mean that they are afraid to tell you how they really feel...good or bad. If I am internally conflicted about a relationship, I'm also externally conflicted--it's difficult to hide from other Ns.

    A foolproof test? You want a foolproof test? Ask the ENFJ directly. They may dodge, so persist. I'd say 4 times out of 5, they actually want to tell you what's going on in their hearts, even if its about you...but only if you ask directly. Be gentle, be kind, be ready for anything, be understanding--but like I said, if they know you can handle them being open with you, they will be much less spastic after the first few times; much more willing to open up much more easily.

    Be persistent, but not scary persistent. They may outright lie because they really can't let their guard down...if they do that, it's probably not best to pursue a relationship with that person.

    Feel free to PM me with any further questions.

    --Fuzz
    Love is the point.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzcrossed View Post
    If I am internally conflicted about a relationship, I'm also externally conflicted--it's difficult to hide from other Ns.
    It seems like ENFJs strength though is getting others to mold around them solving there external conflict. But seems to just compound there internal conflict?

    IP types have the opposite problem. We solve internal conflicts, but external ones just compound.

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    Quote Originally Posted by poki View Post
    You will know as you become close. I have observed with my wife a turning point in relationships with people around her. The closer you get the more mixed feelings you will see. At a certain point all hell breaks loose and its at that point that people decide there distance with them. What they want to disclose, what they want to hide, etc. I dont know if this is on purpose, or a test, its just something I have witnessed over and over with alot of people.

    They have many sides to extreme, sometimes its entertainment, other times its to get what they want. My wife tells everyone that she loves them. She has the mentality that is driven by dominant Fe that actions speak louder than words. This is because they are so good at twisting words to control feelings that they do not trust words. They are not ones who twist actions. Since its there strength they realize everyone "has the ability" to do this since we are all human, but like all of us dont realize that not everyone has that strength. That we are not all out to twist what we say around to bring out feelings in others. The pitfall to tertiary Se though seems to be that they dont trust what other people say about there actions because people can twist words. So they assign there own intentions to others actions.
    I’m almost positive my mother is ENFJ, and the parts in bold type- I really couldn’t have said it better. She’s incredibly charismatic, but she tends to keep all her acquaintances (outside of direct family) at a very controlled distance because she’s got a secret stash of incredibly mixed feelings- and when that secret stash boils over all hell does indeed break loose. Not many people get to see that side.

    Also: the second bolded area, she’s constantly ‘noticing’ other people’s intentions. In fact, this is one of my biggest pet peeves. For example, she (1) tells us that she knows what any one of us is ‘actually’ thinking because of our actions, and (2) goes absolutely bat-shit crazy when she suspects one of us is trying to ‘tell her what she thinks’ simply because of her actions (in esse, she systematically gets deeply offended when ‘notices’ her own intentions in someone else).

    Quote Originally Posted by pinballs View Post
    I've seen that ENFJs reveal more to people they're close to, but do they behave differently too? Are they more likely to be toned down and less extravagant?
    My first inclination is to answer, “Hell to the no.” My experience is that they really need to be able to trust someone to not take tantrums too seriously, because (as stated above) sometimes hell really, really does break loose.

    But admittedly, the bulk of my opinion here is based on my experience of an ENFJ who happens to be my mother- so it’s hard to know what kind of family issues may be clouding my judgment.


    EDIT: I may as well add that my dad is INTP, and they've been married almost fifty years now. Sometime my dad's T is a problem, but other than that they are a good match. I would guess INFP and ENFJ would be a good match.
    Last edited by Z Buck McFate; 09-09-2009 at 12:01 PM. Reason: add comment
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    Ok. Beef: Why does this always turn into "ENFJs throw tantrums"? I'm no more tantrum-y than anyone else I know. I may be temperamental, but I don't take hostages and I'm certainly not controlling of my loved ones or delusional. I'd like an explanation please of the "all hell breaks loose" superlative as well.
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    can't handcuff the wind Z Buck McFate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Ok. Beef: Why does this always turn into "ENFJs throw tantrums"? I'm no more tantrum-y than anyone else I know. I may be temperamental, but I don't take hostages and I'm certainly not controlling of my loved ones or delusional. I'd like an explanation please of the "all hell breaks loose" superlative as well.
    Every type has it's quirks. That's not to say it's all-inclusive, not everyone with a given type is consequently going to have all the quirks associated with it. I was just noting the observations I have- of the ENFJ I have experience with- are similiar to the ones stated by Poki.

    Besides- INFJs throw tantrums, too, it's just an internal process. I'm sure, to anyone dealing with me while I'm having an 'inner tantrum', I can be equally as frustrating.
    Reality is a collective hunch. -Lily Tomlin

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    You'll have to describe the inner tantrum sometime. I'm intrigued. Fe forced underground must look like blasting caps under a load of sand.
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    Quote Originally Posted by PinkPiranha View Post
    Ok. Beef: Why does this always turn into "ENFJs throw tantrums"? I'm no more tantrum-y than anyone else I know. I may be temperamental, but I don't take hostages and I'm certainly not controlling of my loved ones or delusional. I'd like an explanation please of the "all hell breaks loose" superlative as well.
    All hell breaking loose: The way I have explained it to someone else. Take a SJ "storming" and give him the ability to verbalize every thought in his head. The storm seed starts in Se which is an action that she assigned an intention. It then feeds to Ti-Ni. Everything starts geting tied together somehow. Ni which is like Ne randomness getting focused. The ability to jump from thing to thing like building a spider web to traverse of everything that led up to the real reason behind the conflict and how it all ties to this. Like a storm cloud building. Sometimes it just simmers and goes away, other times "all hell break loose". It may not even be related directly towards you, but you are the outlet because something you did triggered it that relates to the core internal conflict. This is how it appears from the outside. You can tell when they hit Ti-Ni, they get this extremely pissed off zoned out look.

    My wife asked me the other day why everyone is so scared of talking to her when they screw up. She sees the aftermath, but not the storm.

    And I am left scratching my head because the initial intention she assigned the action was wrong.

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