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  1. #21
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    It depends if I have gotten over the person completely (and I admit to only really having been infatuated, not in real love). Once I am over someone, that is it. The door is shut. This is especially true if they have done or said anything to cause me to shut that door. I usually make a real effort to move past it and detach, and while it may take time, I am always successful.

    In the case of an ex-friend I loved like a sister, I hold some small curiosity for her, but no real feeling. It took awhile to let the friendship die inside me, but like I said, once the feeling is gone, it's gone. I don't hold onto futile feelings forever.
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  2. #22
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    One of my male friends told me "Don't tell anyone, its a male secret, but all men pine for their last love until they find a new one and then they are over it."

    I've seen pining with NF and SP men. I pine over every close relationship, friend or otherwise.

  3. #23
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    I don't ever forget. I don't know if that's the same thing as holding a torch. I never forget the times where past S/O's have made me feel great. I am still friends with most of the men I have dated in the past, a couple jerks being the exception.

    But when I break up with that relationship, I never look back to that relationship as a potential lover again. They change for me entirely. Probably because I fight so hard while I'm in the relationship to keep it together.. so that if it does fall apart, I know for a fact it wasn't on my hands alone.
    Kantgirl: Just say "I'm feminine and I'll punch anyone who says otherwise!"
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  4. #24
    Sugar Hiccup OrangeAppled's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post
    One of my male friends told me "Don't tell anyone, its a male secret, but all men pine for their last love until they find a new one and then they are over it."
    I think a lot of people are that way. My ESFP sister says she cannot get over someone until she has someone new to obsess about
    Often a star was waiting for you to notice it. A wave rolled toward you out of the distant past, or as you walked under an open window, a violin yielded itself to your hearing. All this was mission. But could you accomplish it? (Rilke)

    INFP | 4w5 sp/sx | RLUEI - Primary Inquisitive | Tritype is tripe

  5. #25
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    The only things I carry around are the things I couldn't figure out. I had a friendship with a man where I couldn't plumb the emotional depths to find what I could accept as a truth. There are times I still wonder, but I will never know about that now.

    But I would guess that NF's are likely the type to mourn over an unrequited love or a relationship gone wrong from a communication perspective more-so than other types.
    +1

    I don't like it when there's no closure.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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  6. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by EnFpFer View Post
    But love isn't madness.

    Or is it?

    I think it's one thing to constantly consider someone who clearly was horrible for you(like they treated you badly, but you're obsessed), but I actually believe in the idea of soul mates.

    If someone has found a soul mate, someone who speaks to the very foundation of who you are, I don't see how that can be let go. I also don't see how it would be healthy to let something like that go, in order to say, live a more socially acceptable life.
    Oh boy... I wanted to comment on this because I've fought to justify pining over my INFJ love to people.

    I completely agree with what you said. Maybe Fi is forever? It just seems to me that once I began to really care about him and felt that he was my soulmate, I just couldn't stop. We had to break up because of difficult circumstances. It's been almost a year now, but I still feel intensely for him. It's scary.

    My friends, especially the Fe-dom ones, just tell me to stop thinking about him and get over it. It's been hard to do that though, because we have to see each other on a regular basis for work. And dangit, I'm stubborn and I'm not going to get a new job or move away just because of him.

    Argh, this is so Bridges of Madison County that if I wasn't such a feeler I'd want to barf.

  7. #27
    Senior Member Coeur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PeaceBaby View Post
    But I would guess that NF's are likely the type to mourn over an unrequited love or a relationship gone wrong from a communication perspective more-so than other types.
    ^That drives me crazy!!! :steam: If a relationship is going to end, I'd MUCH rather have concrete, not circumstantial, reasons for it.

    I can hope forever. However, once the person makes it clear that they don't like me and never will, I can let go and move on.

    I don't believe in soul-mates. Someone isn't your soul-mate if you aren't THEIR soul-mate.

    It depends if I have gotten over the person completely (and I admit to only really having been infatuated, not in real love). Once I am over someone, that is it. The door is shut. This is especially true if they have done or said anything to cause me to shut that door. I usually make a real effort to move past it and detach, and while it may take time, I am always successful.
    I agree with a lot of this.
    If I love someone, it will NEVER die, even if I shut the door. I still love friends I haven't contacted in almost six years [although I don't dwell on those feelings anymore]. But if it was infatuation, it can and will easily move on.

    However, I do have a "point of no return." It's hard to cross, but when you do, you are basically dead to me.

    I also know I have a choice in moving on. I hate thinking that I don't have control over my emotions, because I do. It's just a matter of willpower.
    Everybody needs love.

  8. #28
    Iron Maiden fidelia's Avatar
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    I am much better at letting go if I understand what did happen and why. Sometimes it takes time to sort that out, and sometimes it takes time to accept that I will never get the answers that I was hoping for. Lack of closure (being able to have discussed it and laid it to rest), in addition to inconsistent behaviour on the other person's part (indicating that they still have mixed feelings) makes me hang on longer than I should.

    No matter what though, I don't think that there is any point dating someone new until what has happened has been processed. Otherwise you are just doomed to repeat the same thing, whether it was choice of person or communication issues/circumstances.

    If someone has really crossed a line with a friendship, I can get to the point where I just don't care anymore and cut off contact not out of anger, but because there's nothing to salvage. Same thing with a boyfriend who has acted so poorly (or gotten together with someone else in between) that I would never date him again. If I've just drifted from someone I care about or they don't seem to return my level of feeling for them, I might sometimes have more wistful thoughts.

    With two ex boyfriends, I found myself doing things that reminded me of them, eating same foods as we had liked together, or going certain places, or listening to the same music, just as a way of keeping them closer, but eventually that fades.

    With my first boyfriend I pined for a long time, but it was more due him inexplicably changing everything about himself in a very short period of time, and me still seeing him around on a regular basis. I think since he was my first boyfriend, I missed what he represented (maybe I was in love with love in the form of him) as much as I missed him himself, because we didn't date for a long time.

  9. #29
    Nickle Iron Silicone Charmed Justice's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Strawberrylover View Post
    Oh boy... I wanted to comment on this because I've fought to justify pining over my INFJ love to people.

    I completely agree with what you said. Maybe Fi is forever? It just seems to me that once I began to really care about him and felt that he was my soulmate, I just couldn't stop. We had to break up because of difficult circumstances. It's been almost a year now, but I still feel intensely for him. It's scary.


    Argh, this is so Bridges of Madison County that if I wasn't such a feeler I'd want to barf.
    Like you and Ne-Monster said, my feelings don't ever die when I love someone. I don't care rather it's been 10 years or 20 years, my love is constant, and unchanging.

    I may move on with my life, but my heart stays still. I'm thinking it's because it takes a lot for me, a whole lot, for me to open up to someone. Also, because I've never had friendships or romantic relationships die as a result of hard/bad feelings. Most of my relationships, love and friend, faded out when I made major moves to new states. Email/phone relationships just don't do it like rl.

  10. #30
    The Black Knight Domino's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coeur View Post
    .
    If I love someone, it will NEVER die, even if I shut the door.
    This almost stopped my heart. Well-said and deeply true.

    But if it was infatuation, it can and will easily move on.
    This.

    However, I do have a "point of no return." It's hard to cross, but when you do, you are basically dead to me.
    And this.
    eNFJ 4w3 sx/so 468 tritype
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