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  1. #1
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    Default Part of my book...what do all of you think?

    I thought that I would share part of my book to get an idea of what people thought. Tell me if you think this is written well...

    Evan dreaded it every time. He would go down a winding staircase covered in crimson stone which spewed its scent of old earth upon his nose and lips. Then he would reach out for a bone grip handle as he passed through a door enveloped by the perverse image of the grim reaper as he smiled with shattered teeth. Sometimes shadows would move and caress the caskets of the dead in odd ways as though darkness were a lover reaching out to its long lost companion in a delightfully sordid elegance that heightened the senses as well as chilled the soul.

    And that was one of the more comfortable days in the vault.

    On days like today when the sky grew angry and grey and the trees swayed back and forth. James Hollow’s demented vision came to life in the fullest sense of the word as the caressing of the shadows turned into a wrenched, twisted contortion of the reality of death and black. The mosaic of the sculptor became demented as coffins moved in the wind from holes bored underneath the ground. Statues wailed away in grief as corpses butchered their pact with death and soon the entire scene resembled all the Hollows long since dead coming back from the grave.

    Such was the effect that James Hollow wanted to project on visitors whom he delighted in scaring as he took them down to the basement and showed them the entire room. Then he and the rest of the family would laugh as the person or persons would run in terror to go home an pray begging God not to allow them to be the feast of the dead.

    This amusement was not shared with Evan as he shuttered every time one ran away. Indeed the sight of his grandfather as he howled in delight was one of the most despicable memories one that he was always grateful to forget. Now he was standing in front of the grim reaper as he smiled once again.

    There was no turning of the handle as the door was already opened courtesy of Katrina who had passed through just moments ago. Evan walked past crooked crosses and slanted head stones and came to the back of the crypt and a most unexpected sight.

    Another door one that he had never seen before and one that had him even more nervous than usual as it was even stranger than the crypt itself. Indeed it was so strange that Evan felt that if his grandfather were alive even he would have had second thoughts about putting inside the room.

    The door was large perhaps ten feet in height and covered in a festered wood dripping with thick mud that budged and dipped as the maggots underneath wiggled their way around gnarled ridges. The corners of the door were angled in weird directions cause the door not to be quite straight. Above were words carved in stone that read.

    “Cautum Cui intro namque excessum ingnoro amicitia.”

    “Beware you who enter for death knows no friend.”

    Keep in mind that this is a first draft so it will not be perfect.

    Thanks all Note this is not the begining of the book. That is below.

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    That bad eh?

  3. #3
    @.~*virinaĉo*~.@ Totenkindly's Avatar
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    I likes the maggots.

    ...Post some more.
    Are you merely looking for style comments, or what exactly?
    "Hey Capa -- We're only stardust." ~ "Sunshine"

    “Pleasure to me is wonder—the unexplored, the unexpected, the thing that is hidden and the changeless thing that lurks behind superficial mutability. To trace the remote in the immediate; the eternal in the ephemeral; the past in the present; the infinite in the finite; these are to me the springs of delight and beauty.” ~ H.P. Lovecraft

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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennifer View Post
    I likes the maggots.

    ...Post some more.
    Are you merely looking for style comments, or what exactly?
    Just if they liked it in general....

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    I will post the first part of Chapter 1. Keep in mind that this is a rough draft so it need tweaking. What I really need to know is if the story keeps you interested.

    Chapter 1

    When all is lost in ebon’s fright,
    When all is void in despair’s plight
    When all hope fades; all wrongs will right,
    The mark will mend; dark shall flee light.

    “Evan come back here this instant!,” Hebert yelled as his nephew slammed the front door of his father’s home and walked out into a cold poring rain in the autumn of the year. Herbert’s chest heaved as he waddled as fast as he could to catch him.
    “You are going to catch pneumonia. For the love of God cover your head and come back into the house!,” Hebert said as he opened his umbrella and tried to share it.
    “Forgive me uncle, but I fear that I do not really care what I catch and what I don‘t.,” Evan said as he did his melancholy walk away from the house.
    “Well I do. And your father would feel the same way if he were with us.”
    “If you wish to know what father would feel why don’t you ask him? He is laying on his bed covered in a sheet!” Evan said as he pointed to the upper window of the house that was covered in candlelight.
    “I am not amused, nephew.” Hebert said as a stern look overcame his face.
    “And I am not trying to be amusing uncle!” Evan said as he walked away in the rain.
    “Evan, I know this is difficult, but I need you now more than ever. I have to take care of the arrangements and I need someone to look after the servants. It is important for them to feel some hope especially now.”
    “If that is the case then I would suggest that you ask someone else as I cannot.”
    “Listen to reason I beg you.”
    “I will listen to reason when I am feeling more reasonable. For now you will have to be content that I do not join father.”
    That was the end of the conversation as Evan Hollow walked away from his uncle into the poring rain on that awful day. Indeed neither of the two were much in a talking mood as they had experienced the most traumatic event that one can just about imagine…that Nathan James Hollow father to Evan and brother of Herbert was dead his life taken by his own hand.
    There was a funeral but there were only three people at it. Evan, his uncle Herbert and the priest who reluctantly gave a benediction as he stood doing everything he could not to be distracted by the aroma of the musty earth that rose to his nostrils. This was something which Evan could tell as he watched the man in disinterest cover the splintered coffin with ash. Evan turned his attention toward the priest.
    “Dear sir I know that you nor your god care for my father’s body or soul, but could you at least act like you do?” Evan said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.
    “Evan, mind your manners!” Herbert said. Evan then turned and walked away as two men in overalls grabbed shovels and began to cover the grave. Evan’s uncle rushed up to him as fast as he could.
    “We need to discuss what happened back there.,” Hebert said.
    “There is nothing to discuss. If you wish to go back to that facade then by all means. I for one am done with all of it.,” Evan said as he slowly walked back and forth over the wet stones of the street.
    Soon the two of them were back in Hebert’s house and Evan went to his favorite spot; the library. Normally this would have brought him comfort in even the worst of times. But not today. No, not today, nor ever again so far as he could tell. Hebert moved his enormous girth to and fro as he made his way through the door and selected one of the volumes from the shelves which bore the title “A Christmas Carol.” He quietly flipped through the pages of the book as Evan stood motionless.
    “This was one of your father’s favorite books when he was younger although he always felt the old Ebenezer could have been a bit more compassionate to people in the beginning. I told him for the writer to have written him like that would have made people miss the entire point. Always hoping for the best in people my brother did.”
    There was nothing but silence from Evan as he stared out the window.
    “Is there anything that you need?,” Hebert asked. But still nothing but a motionless figure enveloped in the sunlight of the evening.
    “Very well.,” Hebert said as he began to make his way out of the library.
    “Uncle…”
    “Yes, Evan?”
    “Tell me something. Did you ever imagine that father was capable of such and act?”
    “I’ve known your father all of my life obviously and never did I imagine that he would do something so ghastly. I am still trying to come to terms with it although I do not think that I shall. I doubt neither of us ever will.”
    “I am very sorry for the way that I acted at the cemetery.”
    “It is quite all right. I explained to the priest that you were merely-”
    “I mean how I acted to you. The priest I could care less what he thought. You noticed how he acted with father! How he treated him with such disrespect.”
    “Evan you cannot blame him for being uncomfortable. If the truth be told I was not delighted to be there myself.”
    “Tell me, why is that? What did father do that was so horrible? You well know how he was those last few years. To be honest the thought had crossed my mind.”
    “Surely you cannot mean that.”
    “Why can’t I? Why is it so difficult? Haven’t you ever had a time in your life where the pain was so deep that you could not bare it? If that is the case then consider yourself blessed as not everyone is like you nor understands what it is like to have a carefree life.”
    “Young man, my life has not been carefree and yes I would have considered myself blessed until three days ago when I looked upon your father. It was the same with my father as well and it is the same for all who bear the name of Hollow or any other name that you can think of. It is the truth of our existence.”
    “Well, I for one am frankly tired of dealing with that truth and as a result I am going to find a whole new one.”
    “Thinking of becoming a god or immortal are we?,” Hebert said as he smiled.
    “Please, who wants to live forever? I for one do not especially after what I have lost. First mother, then Rebecca, and now Father. I tell you at the rate that I am losing family I shall be the last one with the name Hollow if it were not for you that is.”
    “And that is someone you will always have as I have no plans on going anywhere. Now enough of this talk of death for you have a whole life ahead of you. After all you are only nineteen. You have much to live for. So I shall say no more on the matter and bid you goodnight.”
    “And why are you going off to bed as so early an hour?”
    “Have you not been listening to a word that I said? You have a whole new life ahead of you and so do I. However, to get to it I must first deal with the pain of the old one. So I have an early start my dear nephew. On the morrow, I have to put some affairs in order. I trust that you will be staying on with me for a while?”
    “Yes, after all where do I have to go now?”
    “Then I will tell the butler to turn over a bed for you. Good night nephew. May your dreams be pleasant.”
    “I doubt that my dreams will ever be pleasant again but thank you for the kind words nevertheless.”
    Herbert left the room as Evan continued to look out the stain glass window and looked out at an orange light as it was swallowed by a snow lined mountain in the west and with it a feeling of hope. How was he to cope with things now that his father was now dead? Where was he going to go?
    Evan had always looked to others for aid when things went wrong. His father had been his strength above all else. But now there was no one that he could look to for guidance for although he was in every way a man on the outside, inside there he was still a child one of the reasons that light tears rolled down his cheeks. Men do not cry of course, but if the sun caused your eyes to water, what of that?
    Evan stared out the window into the night sky and did not move for the entire night. His uncle came into the room the next morning to see that his nephew had remained still.
    “I think that I will take a trip tomorrow uncle.,” Evan said as he continued to stare into the sky.
    “Now that is the first sensible thing that I have heard you say in a fortnight. Getting out will do you some good. Although I hear the Paris is not as lovely now as it is in the springtime, this time of year it still warms one‘s heart and blood. Who knows perhaps you will meet someone that will…”
    “I am not going to Paris.,” Evan said.
    “Then perhaps Rome. See the coliseum.”
    “I will not be traveling there either.”
    Herbert raised his right eyebrow in curiosity. “Exactly where do you wish to go?”
    “I shall make a trip to Vale Hollow manor.”
    “Oh, for the love of God why would you want to go there?! What possible purpose could it serve other than to bring back a wound that has not even healed yet?”
    “I know of the pain uncle as it is mine to bare. Still, I am compelled to go.”
    “Evan, I have known you a long time, all of your life obviously. I have seen the man that you have grown into and I can tell you in all honesty that you are not ready to see that place. You need time to heal first. The Good Lord knows that I need time to heal as well.”
    “Well, I don’t know about the good lord if you wish to call him that but I do know that this is something that I must see for myself. What has happened has not come to edge of reality for me. It is still buried beneath the surface of my mind and no matter how much I try to push it out to come to terms with it, it stays buried. Perhaps if I go to the manor, it will allow me to accept things.”
    “But what if it does not? What if it does more harm than good? How can you find healing by reminding yourself of Rebecca?”
    Evan turned away from the window and placed his hand on his uncle’s shoulder.
    “I do not know if I can explain this as I do not understand it myself. I have learned even in my short time on earth that there are mysteries that I will never solve and some that I wish never to solve. Still, this is something that I must do. Please make the arrangements for me.”
    “No.”
    “I beg your pardon?”
    “I believe that I made myself clear. Evan, you know there is nothing in this world that I would deny you especially at this time. I would give you the shirt off my back if it were not for the fact that it could fit you and several others with ease.,” Herbert said as he rubbed his enormous belly. Evan smiled a little.

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    ok, im ISTP so it confused me with all the detail, but people with a strong Si really impress me. They add so much vividness to there writing, its like you know how to morph the words to accurately describe the vision in your head. Im jealous.
    Im out, its been fun

  7. #7
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    What's your intention for this part? Genre?

    I'm not sure what it is exactly, but the descriptions in these two paragraphs rubbed me the wrong way:
    Evan dreaded it every time. He would go down a winding staircase covered in crimson stone which spewed its scent of old earth upon his nose and lips. Then he would reach out for a bone grip handle as he passed through a door enveloped by the perverse image of the grim reaper as he smiled with shattered teeth. Sometimes shadows would move and caress the caskets of the dead in odd ways as though darkness were a lover reaching out to its long lost companion in a delightfully sordid elegance that heightened the senses as well as chilled the soul.
    On days like today when the sky grew angry and grey and the trees swayed back and forth. James Hollow’s demented vision came to life in the fullest sense of the word as the caressing of the shadows turned into a wrenched, twisted contortion of the reality of death and black. The mosaic of the sculptor became demented as coffins moved in the wind from holes bored underneath the ground. Statues wailed away in grief as corpses butchered their pact with death and soon the entire scene resembled all the Hollows long since dead coming back from the grave.
    Buuuut, you've grabbed my atttention rather affectively, and I did enjoy it. I think it has loads of potential.

    What I really need to know is if the story keeps you interested.
    Absolutely. How long are you planning on making this?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Neo Genesis View Post
    What's your intention for this part? Genre?

    I'm not sure what it is exactly, but the descriptions in these two paragraphs rubbed me the wrong way:




    Buuuut, you've grabbed my atttention rather affectively, and I did enjoy it. I think it has loads of potential.

    That was more my fault as I should have started with the begining of the book. I was wondering if it was discriptive enough. I do appreciate any feedback that anyone can give of the first chapter by the way.

    Thanks for the compliment assuming it was honest

  9. #9
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    Not bad. You have a set-up and seem not to stall in getting somewhere.

    I think there's a bit of a tone mismatch between the descriptions of the prologue and the sort of pseudo-stiff dialogue of chapter 1. Your descriptions are just more interesting and natural. Angst is hard to write well.

    Mostly I'd say you really need an editor. Skimming through, I caught you used "bare" where you meant "bare", sorry I couldn't be more help. And use punctuation, dammit! You use so many complex-ly structured sentences that the commas are a must. I'm not sure I saw a single descriptive sentence that couldn't use an extra two or three.

    There were some places where clarity was especially lacking.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Colors View Post
    Not bad. You have a set-up and seem not to stall in getting somewhere.

    I think there's a bit of a tone mismatch between the descriptions of the prologue and the sort of pseudo-stiff dialogue of chapter 1. Your descriptions are just more interesting and natural. Angst is hard to write well.

    Mostly I'd say you really need an editor. Skimming through, I caught you used "bare" where you meant "bare", sorry I couldn't be more help. And use punctuation, dammit! You use so many complex-ly structured sentences that the commas are a must. I'm not sure I saw a single descriptive sentence that couldn't use an extra two or three.

    There were some places where clarity was especially lacking.
    Oh just to let you know, the first part was taken out of the middle of the book so a LOT happened.

    LOL yeah I know. As I said this is a first draft. I mainly want to see if it keeps people's interest first as there is no point in editing it if it does not.

    There is still a lot of work to be done but I wanted to get an overall reaction to the beginning part of the first chapter.

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