ENFJ: Talk About Yourself!

[Usehername]

(edit) As the previous title seems to have been too specific...

All I really want is to understand the ENFJ motivations and inner life. Any input, example, thought in reference to that would be mightily appreciated.


What really pulls you toward someone? What kinds of things affect your soul? What kinds of behavior/personalities bug you?

I don't understand ENFJs. But sometimes I think they are my favorite.

[proteanmix]

I don't think ENFJs like to talk about themselves, I'd rather talk to and about other people.

But it's nice to know someone likes us.

[Elwin_Ransom]

Well, I'm utterly attracted to an INTP, and I think that these are some of the reasons why I find us so compatible in terms of personality (and, in effect, what draws me to her).

Intellect. I may be a feeling person, but I absolutely love her thinking nature. It holds a huge amount of pull for me. I don't see everything as it is at all times, so her generally-objective take on things is very attractive. This seems to be a matter of complimentary/compensatory typing, but I'm not sure how exactly it ties into the ENFJ mindset.

Passion. For me, it doesn't matter what her current object of focus is; any time she is passionate about something I get caught up in it. Even when it's something way over my head, her passion makes me want to understand it. This is probably tied to empathy, which I assume is part of the ENFJ type.

Compassion. Not necessarily the hallmark trait of an INTP, but seeing compassion show up is awesome. I don't think this is actually empathy, though. It probably just comes from the way that an ENFJ would probably consider compassion a happy thing, and so the ENFJ is happy when observing someone doing it because it is thought that the other person will be happy from doing so.

Humor. Humor is important to me for some reason. Her intelligent/dark humor is absolutely brilliant. I would think humor appreciation to be common among ENFJs, but I have nothing to base that on other than personal experience.

Hmm. I wonder how much of this is a personality type thing, and how much of it is bound to this specific pairing. I'm not really sure about that.

Anyway, that's a start on a list; I hope there's something helpful in it.

[Lookin4theBestNU]

As the previous title seems to have been too specific...

I saw the post last night. I really didn't think it was too specific, but was waiting for another ENFJ to get the ball rolling. There is just a small handful of ENFJs on this site so far, and we all seem to be a bit different from one another. I like to talk about myself sometimes hence the starting of a blog recently. I know that by talking about myself and by 'giving' a little here and there it opens others up to identify/differ and share about themselves. I think I am a little conceited though when comparing myself to other NFs a huge flaw I relalize. Eventually IRL especially my focus however will turn much more on the other person then myself. I have noticed that we don't like to make generalizations about other ENFJs or speak for each other. I will gladly give you the information you desire but it will be my own personal view. Authenticity/identity as you may know from PUMII is an underlying motivation for NFs in general .

All I really want is to understand the ENFJ motivations and inner life. Any input, example, thought in reference to that would be mightily appreciated.

Despite many of theories I have seen on Extroverts I have a vivid inner life that would surprise some people. I don't share it often because truth be told most people wouldn't want to hear it anyway. I am however glad that you asked . I do spend a great deal of time thinking about other people and THEIR motivations (external focus) but plenty on my own as well. I'm constantly watching people looking for 'potential' in themselves they may not have seen and I want to bring that out. My inner life seems to be spent discerning "what's really going here". In the past this has been problematic. I've been surrounded by S's who are much more literal my entire life. I have no Intuitive friends IRL and get my "N-action" here. I take very little in life at face value as it's presented to me. I have voiced what I was thinking many times and gotten the response "you are reading too much into this/that" or "wow that was really deep" when I didn't think it had much depth at all. I trust my Ni without doubt generally much more than my feelings.

I spend a great deal of time focusing on 'the whole of a system' or even the 'whole of humanity' etc. is the only way to describe it. I used to think that INFJs and ENFJs were basically the same with one being much quieter. I was wrong on that little theory. I actually don't mind being wrong about my theories as it gets me closer to the truth I'm seeking. It's not good enough for me to just theorize....I must test it. If the theory cannot be given an application or tested for it's validity in the realm of people I will generally disregard it. I am not going to type out a huge example (yes I'm lazy!) of this but I will give a brief one. I do 'experiments' but not in an NT view of experiments as that sounds scientific and I don't want to give the impression that they are. As a small example: I had a theory though on the difference between SFJ helpfulness/altruism and NFJ. I waited for an opportunity to arise to see the different reaction each of us would have. The test of my theory ended up happening more than once with homeless people approaching us and later people asking for various charities. I stayed very quiet as I wanted to view the initial reaction of the SFJ I was with. We later talked about how I would have handled it differently and why, and what was the motivation/thinking process of the SFJ. I have done the same thing with all different types of people the SFJ was just the most recent. My inner life is pretty darn full of things like this though not all of it revolves around MBTI just to make that clear. MBTI, other personality theories, currently some interest in a philosopher, and even the bible/religion gives me 'freebies' in the sense of I have others ideas to test and explore.

What really pulls you toward someone? What kinds of things affect your soul? What kinds of behavior/personalities bug you?

I am really fascinated by introverts honestly and always have been. I want to know what people are about. Introverts provide me with a challenge if you will. E's talk too much for my liking generally. I find it can be fun sometimes though when I am feel especially 'bubbly' as it only increases it to be around them. 2 E's fighting with one another to get a word in edgewise can be a sight to behold! I also generally like T's and they make up my closest circle of relationships. I have tons of F friends though. The one thing that can bother me more than anything about another person is if I come to view them as "needy". I like independent people and view myself as being fairly headstrong independent even rebellious at times. I have tried 'helping people' before and they ended up listening to my every word as if it were prophecy. I wish that was an exaggeration and it has proven to be really weird to me. I have found this has happened more with F's than T's though it's oddly happened with T's too. I use lots of qualifiers anymore because I don't want to sound like I know everything a person should do/not do or 'Oprah-esque' . I have insight I'd like to think and I know what I would do and why....but that doesn't make it right. I have spent time as an adult learning to watch people closer who have these 'needy' tendencies who will rely on my direction too much as occasionally my confidence attracts them. I know this may sound harsh but I avoid them like the plague!! Helping people reach their goals and explore their own inner workings keeps me going in life. The things that affect my soul will have to wait for my blog .

[Elwin_Ransom]

Can I just second what was said?

I think I misunderstood what was being looked for on this topic, but that pretty well describes my mentality as well. I just wasn't so articulate.

[Jennifer]

More! More!

[proteanmix]

To be quite honest, I'm very reluctant to post anything about myself to revealing. It's not that I'm worried that anyone's going to show up at my front door, it's the effects of lurking at INTPc for two years and seeing how people respond to ESFJs that I don't want to give people ammunition to flame me. And I'd like to say I'm only speaking for myself. It's very important to me that other people realize that.

I probably am taking this very personal, but I highly resent the fact that ENFJs are often compared to everyone's favorite type to hate, ESFJs. I don't even understand where all the antipathy towards ESFJs comes from. I do understand that my personality is such that I create more positive interactions with people and while I may not often be a recipient of SJ "you're so weird," I do get that when I turn down Fe and turn up Ni. All the more reason for me to keep Fe up. Maybe even more than the INTP, an ENFJ is a social chameleon.

I like blending in with people, I wholeheartedly believe in "When in Rome..." It's not that I capitulate to dominate norms and mores, it's just that I feel like I can be more effective when I'm "inside." I'm completely obsessed with the idea of being average, looking average. People don't question you very much when you look, act, and talk just like them. You're able to earn their trust, not to break it, but to change things. I'm all about changing things.

Navigating the social jungle is the best fucking thing I do. And I hate to brag, but I do it extremely well. I hate sitting in this little cube I'm in all day. I can walk into a group of complete strangers and have everyone chit chatting like best friends in less that 30 mins. And yes, it may be superficial, but I don't care. I can organize people together and whip up activities to do in no time, I've been in job interviews where I had to put my interviewer at ease. I've talked myself out of some crazy intense situations (like being arrested), calmed irate customers and had them writing letters to management about how great a salesperson I am. I have a vision of how people can be, and I have no problem applying that where ever I go.

I have people projects that I work on and like Lookin and Elwin said I love for people to be passionate about something. Anything! I talk to people until I find out what it is. I hate apathy. I don't understand how people can go through life and not have anything they care about and be generally nonreactive. This may be completely un-PC, but I appreciate the fact that Islam extremists have found a cause they believe in enough that they're ready to die for it. That idea, believing in something you're willing to die for is very noble to me. It gives someone a purpose in life.

I believe I have a rich inner life, although I'm not in anybody's head so I don't know what they're thinking. I'm very observant about people, body language and microexpressions. Sometimes I wonder if I see stuff that's not really happening and I tend to second guess myself a lot. I try to be a supportive person, but I don't know how successful I am at that. My interpersonal relationships are very important and what gets me into the most trouble because I tend to press how I think my loved ones should be onto them. I'm trying to mitigate that.

I like vivid colors and things that are a little odd and quirky. I haven't turned on a TV in since 2004 (I'm quite proud of that) although I can't say I haven't watched snippets here and there. I have a problem with impulsiveness that I chalk up to my retarded Se and Ti.

That's all I can think of.

[Littlelostnf]

Originally Posted by proteanmix

To be quite honest, I'm very reluctant to post anything about myself to revealing. It's not that I'm worried that anyone's going to show up at my front door, it's the effects of lurking at INTPc for two years and seeing how people respond to ESFJs that I don't want to give people ammunition to flame me. And I'd like to say I'm only speaking for myself. It's very important to me that other people realize that.

I probably am taking this very personal, but I highly resent the fact that ENFJs are often compared to everyone's favorite type to hate, ESFJs. I don't even understand where all the antipathy towards ESFJs comes from. I do understand that my personality is such that I create more positive interactions with people and while I may not often be a recipient of SJ "you're so weird," I do get that when I turn down Fe and turn up Ni. All the more reason for me to keep Fe up. Maybe even more than the INTP, an ENFJ is a social chameleon.

I like blending in with people, I wholeheartedly believe in "When in Rome..." It's not that I capitulate to dominate norms and mores, it's just that I feel like I can be more effective when I'm "inside." I'm completely obsessed with the idea of being average, looking average. People don't question you very much when you look, act, and talk just like them. You're able to earn their trust, not to break it, but to change things. I'm all about changing things.

Navigating the social jungle is the best fucking thing I do. And I hate to brag, but I do it extremely well. I hate sitting in this little cube I'm in all day. I can walk into a group of complete strangers and have everyone chit chatting like best friends in less that 30 mins. And yes, it may be superficial, but I don't care. I can organize people together and whip up activities to do in no time, I've been in job interviews where I had to put my interviewer at ease. I've talked myself out of some crazy intense situations (like being arrested), calmed irate customers and had them writing letters to management about how great a salesperson I am. I have a vision of how people can be, and I have no problem applying that where ever I go.

I have people projects that I work on and like Lookin and Elwin said I love for people to be passionate about something. Anything! I talk to people until I find out what it is. I hate apathy. I don't understand how people can go through life and not have anything they care about and be generally nonreactive. This may be completely un-PC, but I appreciate the fact that Islam extremists have found a cause they believe in enough that they're ready to die for it. That idea, believing in something you're willing to die for is very noble to me. It gives someone a purpose in life.

I believe I have a rich inner life, although I'm not in anybody's head so I don't know what they're thinking. I'm very observant about people, body language and microexpressions. Sometimes I wonder if I see stuff that's not really happening and I tend to second guess myself a lot. I try to be a supportive person, but I don't know how successful I am at that. My interpersonal relationships are very important and what gets me into the most trouble because I tend to press how I think my loved ones should be onto them. I'm trying to mitigate that.

I like vivid colors and things that are a little odd and quirky. I haven't turned on a TV in since 2004 (I'm quite proud of that) although I can't say I haven't watched snippets here and there. I have a problem with impulsiveness that I chalk up to my retarded Se and Ti.

That's all I can think of.

Much of the above applies to me...and a bit of what Lookin4 said also. I'm loathe to repeat the things that they said but I must stress two points. I too use to think INFJ's and ENFJ's were not that far apart either..as I've gotten older I see the dif. I'm def an E but my inner life would surprise most. I also get what Proteanmix is saying about the whole ESFJ/ENFJ comparisons. Sorry people we are different. I have many ESFJ's in my life and many that I love and appreciate...but I also tend to turn up the Ni which is my strongest function and turn down the Fe when I'm around an ESFJ...there's enough Fe going on there. Anyway...for as much as I like being an individual...it's wonderful hearing from the ENFJ's on this forum because many times they do speak what I feel/think and I find it refreshing to know that I'm not completely weird...(altho I secretly enjoy being the weird one in the bunch)

[Usehername]

Guys, keep it 'coming if you have any thoughts. I love figuring out ENFJs. Especially if you have any more "this might just be me, and not an ENFJ trait, but just in case..."
b/c who cares if it's just you, but it's a great quirky source of information if it's an ENFJ thing!

And, btw, maybe it's just that I'm an N, but even before Myers-Briggs entered my life, I could've slotted, with 100% accuracy, ENFJs on one side of teh room and ESFJs on the other.

I've always felt pulled toward ENFJs, I've always felt frustrated by ESFJs.


I don't think you guys are anything alike. Except your area is "people".

[Usehername]

Question:

As an INTJ, I have been directly observing ENFJs for their social skills; when I was much younger I had an awesome ENFJ teacher that I particularly liked and consciously paid attention to b/c I wanted to be able to do what she did around people. (At the time I didn't know anything about her being an ENFJ, but of the few people I've consciously studied, they were all ENFJs.)

I've got very good social skills now that I'm "older" (very early 20s). When I'm around people, I've always come across as extraverted. (I just spend way more time by myself.) And I've consciously been developing my "F" skills hte past few years.

So: I was wondering, do you think you could pick out an INTJ who was coming across as an ENFJ? Would you be able to tell that our "quirkiness" was of a different flavor?

That's one of my goals. To get so good at the "people" thing that people initially type me as ENFJ (until, of course, they sit down and talk with me and see the NT, how much little "natural" "F" I have (not that when I show "F" it's fake, just that it's consciously effortful) and how much time I spend alone.)


ALSO: If anyone flames an ENFJ in this board, I will personally kick his/her ass. So don't worry about saying anything that might get you flamed. They will not touch you Now, share.