my favorite topics are things like emergence, planetary history, symbiosis and parasitism, and my main focus is microbial ecology. the areas i’m really, really into are things like syntrophic communities, ecosystem structure, ecological relationships, liminal points where ‘individuals’ become separate from their community or the organisms that live in and around them, how these factors affect and inform the function of the community, and the way they exist along side other communities and ‘learn’ to transform new, underutilized sources of energy.
I follow linear logic pretty poorly (i’m also fucked when it comes to wrote memorization), and have a lot of anxiety about covering for it because all the fields i’m interested in tend to be populated by pretty hard core logic manipulators. my relationship to linear logic makes me feel like a cork being helplessly carried along by a wave, drowning half the time and and feeling essentially unable to control or externally evaluate it. i can get really trapped in seeing equal value of any number of conflicting points of view, and lose the ability to independently evaluate them until i can get a lot of distance.
The way i tend to compensate for it is by focusing on how things relate to each other, which is something i’m much better at tracking. I tend to compile a bunch of information, get completely overwhelmed via data overload, draw a bunch of pictures or word maps, and then calm down and sit with it until connections start forming. it can feel kind of like mental twilight: light conditions are flux and the appearance of things is changing and can be deceptive, but then you slowly start seeing stars as separate from the background information, until the point where you can make out actual constellations(ie relevant relationships). i feEL like what i’m experiencing during these moments is probably flow
, and it's pretty much the highlight of my life.
i know this sounds like an unreliable kind of way to process and organize data but i’m actually a good student. i love school, and i get decent grades(never top of the class though), and i've even had a few professors call me brilliant. that is in fact not true, they were biased because i groked a few of their pet theories but i still love telling people that bcuz i am extremely insecure about my hacked together mental process 8D honesty sharing time