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  1. #1
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Default INTJ and ISFP Relationships

    What do you think about relationships between INTJs and ISFPs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

    When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
    - How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
    - Why are they attracted to each other?
    - How to they compliment each other?
    - How well do they understand each other and why?
    - What are they like together raising children?

    When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
    - What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
    - What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
    - How can they take each other for granted?
    - What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

    Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
    - What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
    - What advice do you have for each of the two types?
    - If you are an INTJ, what advice do you have for the ISFPs?
    - If you are an ISFP, what advice do you have for the INTJs?

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  2. #2
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Yes, I too am interested in this relation. Whenever I think of ISFP and INTJ, I think of Harry Potter and his blonde rival.
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  3. #3
    Suave y Fuerte BadOctopus's Avatar
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    My sister is an ISFP, and we are like oil and water. We've never been close, as we don't have anything in common and don't understand each other at all.

    I'd be interested to know what a good relationship between these two types might be like.

  4. #4
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    I guess I can speak to this one but it is with the caveat that it was a long time ago and we were both young. My first girlfriend was an ISFP. We met freshman year in college. There was a guy I met the first week of school that I quickly became good friends with that lived next door to her. I liked her for at least a couple of months before he finally helped to introduce us at a dance. I asked her out to a movie and after that, we quickly became inseparable. We were together for about three years – first love, first everything and all that.

    As to what attracted us to each other, I can only speak to what attracted me to her. She was pretty, with beautiful eyes and a great butt . She was very smart – ranked third in her high school. She was nice. I guess what I quickly realized is that she wanted to be around me and that was attractive as well. There was a kind of emotional chemistry that is hard to explain. We were very close and knew practically everything about each other. Though serious and often too conservative for my tastes, she was kind of silly and funny at times, which I loved. She liked to buy me cards – like the ones you get at the pharmacy and write cute funny things in there. I really liked those. She was a person who had a great depth of emotion with a deep capacity for love, and it is special to be in a relationship with someone like that.

    As to the problems, it is difficult for me to say precisely what parts of this were related to incompatibility and which parts were my being too young and not ready for such an intense relationship. I recall thinking, “uh-oh” in the first few weeks because I’d fallen in love with the girl and just wasn’t ready for that. The things that I did not like were:

    Indecision – She avoided making decisions even on trivial matters, which forced me to always have to decide everything, which I didn’t want to do. Though there were times, about stupid things, when she could be as stubborn as a mule.

    Communication – I’m a pretty open and direct person. She could not articulate her feelings very well. You can't imagine how little she talked. I grew to be fairly expert at reading her facial expressions and body language but as an 18 – 20 year old INTJ, this is not something that came easily for me.

    Mental Connection – Though we were both reasonably intelligent, we didn’t have an intellectual connection really. She wasn’t someone that wanted to have intellectually stimulating conversations, which I like to have. I would ask her what she thought about this or that and she just wouldn’t have an opinion. I think conflict in general was threatening or uncomfortable to her, which leads to the next point.

    Upsets – As I was fairly blunt and clueless, having never had a girlfriend before, it seemed that I would often say things that hurt her feelings. There would be this cycle of my offending her, then us making up, which was nice but the drama was stressful for both of us. In general she was always worried about what other people thought, which I didn’t so much care about and that led to tension between us. From a type standpoint, I guess you could say there was a dynamic of my auxiliary Te interacting with her inferior Te and maybe my tertiary immature Fi interacting with her dominant Fi. If I were to guess her enneagram type, it is probably of the 6 phobic variety, so you can imagine how two 6s would be like together.

    In the end, she left school, we started seeing other people and she found another guy that she ended up marrying and is still married to. He is a construction worker. So that was that. I think she hoped to get married some day but ultimately gave up on me. I did connect with her a few years ago, which maybe I can speak to later, which ended being a bizarre and very strange thing.
    Last edited by highlander; 06-11-2017 at 11:22 AM.

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  5. #5
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BadOctopus View Post
    My sister is an ISFP, and we are like oil and water. We've never been close, as we don't have anything in common and don't understand each other at all.

    I'd be interested to know what a good relationship between these two types might be like.
    How can't you not understand each other if you guys have the same function and both of you are introverted?

  6. #6
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by great_bay View Post
    How can't you not understand each other if you guys have the same function and both of you are introverted?
    It is an interesting point. I recall Dario Nardi saying that when he did testing of brain patterns on INTJs and ISFPs, as they got older, it was hard to tell the difference between the two of them. They started looking alike.

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  7. #7
    Suave y Fuerte BadOctopus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by great_bay View Post
    How can't you not understand each other if you guys have the same function and both of you are introverted?
    We may both be introverts, but we are nothing alike. If I had to guess her Enneagram type, I'd say she's most likely a phobic 6. She's extremely emotional and immature, and totally dependent on the people in her life. She also seems to be incapable of being objective about anything.
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  8. #8
    FRACTALICIOUS phobik's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    I guess I can speak to this one but it is with the caveat that it was a long time ago and we were both young. My first girlfriend was an ISFP. We met freshman year in college. There was a guy I met the first week of school that I quickly became good friends with that lived next door to her. I liked her for at least a couple of months before he finally helped to introduce us at a dance. I asked her out to a movie and after that, we quickly became inseparable. We were together for about three years – first love, first everything and all that.

    As to what attracted us to each other, I can only speak to what attracted me to her. She was pretty, with beautiful eyes and a great butt . She was very smart – ranked third in her high school. She was nice. I guess what I quickly realized is that she wanted to be around me and that was attractive as well. There was a kind of emotional chemistry that is hard to explain. We were very close and knew practically everything about each other. Though serious and often too conservative for my tastes, she was kind of silly and funny at times, which I loved. She liked to buy me cards – like the ones you get at the pharmacy and write cute funny things in there. I really liked those. She was a person who had a great depth of emotion with a deep capacity for love, and it is special to be in a relationship with someone like that.

    As to the problems, it is difficult for me to say precisely what parts of this were related to incompatibility and which parts were my being too young and not ready for such an intense relationship. I recall thinking, “uh-oh” in the first few weeks because I’d fallen in love with the girl and just wasn’t ready for that. The things that I did not like were:

    Indecision – She avoided making decisions even on trivial matters, which forced me to always have to decide everything, which I didn’t want to do. Though there were times, about stupid things, when she could be as stubborn as a mule.

    Communication – I’m a pretty open and direct person. She could not articulate her feelings very well. You can't imagine how little she talked. I grew to be fairly expert at reading her facial expressions and body language but as an 18 – 20 year old INTJ, this is not something that came easily for me.

    Mental Connection – Though we were both reasonably intelligent, we didn’t have an intellectual connection really. She wasn’t someone that wanted to have intellectually stimulating conversations, which I like to have. I would ask her what she thought about this or that and she just wouldn’t have an opinion. I think conflict in general was threatening or uncomfortable to her, which leads to the next point.

    Upsets – As I was fairly blunt and clueless, having never had a girlfriend before, it seemed that I would often say things that hurt her feelings. There would be this cycle of my offending her, then us making up, which was nice but the drama was stressful for both of us. In general she was always worried about what other people thought, which I didn’t so much care about and that led to tension between us. From a type standpoint, I guess you could say there was a dynamic of my auxiliary Te interacting with her inferior Te and maybe my auxiliary immature Fi interacting with her dominant Fi. If I were to guess her enneagram type, it is probably of the 6 phobic variety, so you can imagine how two 6s would be like together.

    In the end, she left school, we started seeing other people and she found another guy that she ended up marrying and is still married to. He is a construction worker. So that was that. I think she hoped to get married some day but ultimately gave up on me. I did connect with her a few years ago, which maybe I can speak to later, which ended being a bizarre and very strange thing.
    To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
    ~ Elbert Hubbard

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  9. #9
    Senior Member great_bay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by highlander View Post
    It is an interesting point. I recall Dario Nardi saying that when he did testing of brain patterns on INTJs and ISFPs, as they got older, it was hard to tell the difference between the two of them. They started looking alike.
    That's interesting. Does the same thing apply to other types? Does INFP and ISTJ start to look alike as they get older?

  10. #10
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by great_bay View Post
    That's interesting. Does the same thing apply to other types? Does INFP and ISTJ start to look alike as they get older?
    The short answer is I'm not sure because he didn't specifically mention it that I recall, but it stands to reason that if Ni>Te>Fi>Se start to look the same as Fi>Se>Ni>Te, then Fi>Ne>Si>Te would grow to look like Si>Te>Fi>Ne

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