I'm not sure what is wrong with me, if anything at all. Today though the stress just threw me off and it almost cost me the life of my younger brother. Not to say I purposefully would do anything to harm him, but let me get into the details...
First some history, I for a long time have almost always thought there was something wrong with me. I remember being in Junior High School (like 9 years ago) and thinking I might have a brain tumor because I had no other explanation for the way I acted, for the things about my psyche that I had no control over.
All throughout high school I also felt this way. That the way I thought or did things was completely irrational or wrong, but still felt I had no control over it. In High School I would enter modes of depression where my motivation toward school itself and social interaction were a complete failure. I turned many times to cutting myself, saying over and over in my head that I'd be better off dead than alive and I only bring others grief, but still unable to actually go through with it.
Exiting High School I entered my most serious relationship so far. It last 2 3/4 years almost, we broke up at least 5 times. The breakups never lasted longer than a week, and were almost always initiated by me, and almost always without clear reason. It was as if I felt that I was simply not worthy of being with her, and was driven literally to end it, only to end up feeling worse than before and run back to her for rescue. Eventually, we entered a hiatus of about 6 months where I refused to officially date her, though we still spent almost every day together as if so. I told her that I could not admit my love for her until I've had deep thought into what it was that caused me to break up with her like this. That relationship ended eventually when I came around and decided that I loved her, but she had withdrawn from those feelings.
After this breakup I felt completely lost and dissassociated, I started seeing a therapist who labeled me with Dysthymic mood disorder and start pumping anti-depressants in me. However, this seemed only to mask the problem, as I found I still had moments of withdrawl from society, and still felt completely alien to everything. The depression was cured only by suppressing any further emotion I had.
2008 was a year full of awakening for me. I admit that I started taking drugs such a cannabis and LSD. However, I can admit to never exceeding more than 10ug of lsd, not to say I haven't tripped more than once. 2008 could probably be considered a year of running from my problems through drugs. However, I also began to find things out about myself through such endeavors. I managed through this use, to actually get into college, hold a job for more than my previous record of 4 months (going on 10 now), and pay each bill I had on time. Of course this could be due not because of drug use but rather that my mom left me to take care of my younger brother who was just entering the adult world. He got arrested for stealing, and the only thing I felt I could do for him was to make sure he had a place to stay and be a role model of responsibility.
For 9-10 years, I have been depressed, anxious in social situations, felt like a complete outcast in society, and have had rare (every 3-4 months) explosions of anger. This is actually why I am making this post, I had one of those anger moments today that nearly cost the life of my younger brother. I had got off my third shift job and went to sleep immediately knowing full well I would have to wake 4 hours later to take my brother to work as he does not have a car. I awoke a little grumpy and not 30 seconds after waking he yelled at me that he was running late and I needed to hurry up. I suddenly exploded and just started yelling because I was already going as fast as I can to get up.
This anger continued till I was out the door, in the car, on the road and in the explosion that ensued I uncontrollably began slamming my hand on the steering wheel, almost to the point of breaking my hand. I slid off the road and slammed into the neighbors mailboxes.
Now, keep in mind I have already contacted them and calmed down. I don't believe I have an anger problem as most things that happen to me I simply don't let get to me. I shrug them off and continue life as usual. I have just reached a point where I cannot take anymore stress and feel like I've been having a nervous breakdown. I have only really left the house three times in the past 2 months for any kind of social involvement with friends because I either never have money, or am just too anxious about going out; as if the world itself is out to get me and my room is my only safe harbor.
I just feel on the verge of losing it more and more each day, and I suppose today I did for a brief 2 minutes. Keep in mind that these angry outburst, while seemingly completely uncontrollable are NEVER directed at a person. I have never and will never hit a person without first being struck by them. I consider myself a very non-violent person, and my friends all seem to highly respect me.
I'm at a complete loss of what to do, what to think, and what to feel. I don't feel I can see another therapist or psychiatrist because I don't want to be on meds for the rest of my life. I've seen what drugs can do through my grandma (she went about as insane as the illegality of that term can apply) and don't want to become that.
I feel utterly hopeless right now.