Talking to someone about feelings

[Coriolis]

Hey everyone, I understand everyone prefers different modes of communication, so I’m curious when you’re talking about your feelings, do you prefer

a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own

b.) someone who validates them, including relating personally to your experience

c.) someone who provides their analysis on your experience (not to judge/invalidate, but to offer possibilities that you might have missed)

d.) someone to treat your experience lightheartedly, thereby minimizing the entire experience

e.) someone to offer (practical) solutions

I don't talk about my feelings, for the most part. On the rare occasion when I do, I prefer approach (a) as long as it takes into account what I am saying. (b) feels disingenuous. (c) is helpful if it is insightful and really does show me different possibilities. Otherwise it is just pointless speculation. (d) is entirely unwelcome. (e) would be helpful if the solutions were actually good ones, but almost always I have analyzed the situation thoroughly enough that I have already considered and rejected all solutions that people offer me. It then becomes an exercise in frustration as I have to spend time and energy explaining to the other person why their solution(s) won't work.

I just don't see the purpose or gain in letting other people know what is going on with me.

For the most part, I agree. If you are not my SO or one of my best friends, you don't need to know.

What do you lose by sharing what you are experiencing internally?

It's not so much what you lose, but rather what you gain: pointless questions, unwanted judgments, suggestions you have long ago determined won't work, and drama. I prefer not to have to field this sort of interpersonal noise in my life, especially if I am already contending with other difficulties. Then, of course, there is the needless worry caused to others. The leaks from "friends" who cannot keep your confidences. Cost/benefit fail 99% of the time.

 

[Abcdenfp]

What do I gain by exposing myself unnecessarily?

What qualifies to you as necessary exposure ( I need this answer first before I can answer your original question)

 

[Poki]

What do I gain by exposing myself unnecessarily?

Finding that person that really helps you

 

[Coriolis]

What qualifies to you as necessary exposure ( I need this answer first before I can answer your original question)

My answer: without the exposure, I cannot get or accomplish something important to me.

 

[Ashtart]

Finding that person that really helps you

Well, is it necessary to have someone helping you? I don't get it.

 

[Poki]

Well, is it necessary to have someone helping you? I don't get it.

No, but it helps

 

[Ashtart]

No, but it helps

It may help for someone, not for everyone.

I think therapy is much more beneficial because you are talking to someone who really can give you some useful advice.

 

[Poki]

It may help for someone, not for everyone.

I think therapy is much more beneficial because you are talking to someone who really can give you some useful advice.

I have come across incompetent ones who know textbook and stereotypes not people. Your call. Finding an everyday person requires better judgement, therapists rely on an external judgement system

 

[Abcdenfp]

I don't talk about my feelings, for the most part. On the rare occasion when I do, I prefer approach (a) as long as it takes into account what I am saying. (b) feels disingenuous. (c) is helpful if it is insightful and really does show me different possibilities. Otherwise it is just pointless speculation. (d) is entirely unwelcome. (e) would be helpful if the solutions were actually good ones, but almost always I have analyzed the situation thoroughly enough that I have already considered and rejected all solutions that people offer me. It then becomes an exercise in frustration as I have to spend time and energy explaining to the other person why their solution(s) won't work. For the most part, I agree. If you are not my SO or one of my best friends, you don't need to know. It's not so much what you lose, but rather what you gain: pointless questions, unwanted judgments, suggestions you have long ago determined won't work, and drama. I prefer not to have to field this sort of interpersonal noise in my life, especially if I am already contending with other difficulties. Then, of course, there is the needless worry caused to others. The leaks from "friends" who cannot keep your confidences. Cost/benefit fail 99% of the time.

I understand this and you have a really good point over exposure and revealing too much to has cost me at times, but I also gained, I learned who the other person was, where to hold them in my life and how to interact with them moving forward, so to me I guess if I expose my feelings I'm kind of like a bat I send the vibration out to gauge where you and I are and then I take the information sent back and make decisions based on that

 

[Ashtart]

I have come across incompetent ones who know textbook and stereotypes not people. Your call. Finding an everyday person requires better judgement, therapists rely on an external judgement system

Yeah, that are many shitty ones out there, I am well aware of that.

 

[Lucy_Ricardo]

There seems to be this mythical version of INFPs that is often promoted. The one where we're soft and fluffy and just dying to run up to strangers and tell them how we feel. My closest friends have told me they feel that I'm keeping them at arms length most of the time. That I'm warm and friendly but guard against prying into anything that deeply effects me. They become frustrated that they share so much only to feel the gesture isn't reciprocated.

SO. ACCURATE. You are singing my life with your words, my friend.

 

[VILLANELLE]

I am an ENFJ. I admittedly thrive off of validation, but I also prefer option A. I basically just want to be heard and understood, but not coddled. But the tough love/yelling stuff really gets to me and hurts more than helps.

 

[prplchknz]

a.)sometimes
b.)yes this
c.)definetly
d.)not usually
e.)usually not, as the advice is often wrong or can not be applied to the situation or i've already tried it there's very rare occasions someone gets it right but usually they don't that's why i prefer b and c because it's similar to this but it doesn't have the ass hattery this one has.

 

[entropie]

I have no feelings, but jägermeister

 

[nature-addict]

ENFP. your question popped right out at me, as i've been known to say, "if anything is wrong, it most certainly started with bad communication".

a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own:
i do this and don't mind when others do this to me. as long as they are not QUESTIONING as in judging.

b.) someone who validates them, including relating personally to your experience:
DING! l'm a fan of this mode and often find myself relating to others in the same way.

c.) someone who provides their analysis on your experience (not to judge/invalidate, but to offer possibilities that you might have missed):
this is tolerable to be on the receiving end of. i try to do this for others, but end up making it more like B. cuz that's how i roll.

d.) someone to treat your experience lightheartedly, thereby minimizing the entire experience:
OMGOSH NO. bad- like death. lol

e.) someone to offer practical solutions:
i appreciate this more than i used to. i also do this, but not without the whole thing being laced with tons of adjectives. ;-)

 

[Redbone]

Usually just a and b.

I know the stereotype of ENFPs but all out there with their feelings but it's not something I do. It looks like it but there's much more I keep to myself. Or just don't talk about at all.

If it's a problem or issue, I will want someone to listen and maybe ask questions. It helps me to think and I often get new insight by just talking about it.

 

[á´…eparted]

I was actually talking about this topic with my therapist.

It is very easy for me to talk about my feelings. There are some notable exceptions (sexual things), but even those in the right context can be easy. I couldn't quite come up with a good reason as to why it is so easy for me. It sort of always has been. My feeling are mine, and essentially it is just listing off a series of things that I experience. Because they are mine, no one can do anything to them, and I have no fear with sharing them. When discussing with my therapist, I told her that if someone told me to go strike up a conversation with a stranger, and tell them about a time where I had almost commit suicide, and how I felt during it, I would have no problem doing so at all. The way I look at it: What are they going to do? Tell me I need help? So what, it doesn't effect me, and they aren't in a position to judge so I don't care.

It's actually sort of a problem. The vast majority of the time I have to restrain myself from sharing my feelings on something because it would be inappropriate. I've been like this since I was a child, and back then I didn't grasp social skills well so it'd get me in trouble with some regularity. I am actually bothered by this because I don't want to restrain myself. I want to share this stuff, and I want others to do the same. On a first date with someone, I want to tell them my life story, and all kind of personal details and feelings I have on fairly heavy subjects. It frustrates me that it doesn't go over well.

Ultimately, it says that I actually don't have that much empathy, because while my feelings are intense, real, and they can incapacitate me, my meta-reaction to them is totally blank. As a result when I come out of those feelings, I look at them like a scientist reading data and I feel nothing. Because of this I just don't connect with people when I share these sorts of things. It'd not a bonding experience, and is really not much different than talking about the weather impact wise. The only time I do is when it really resonates with them and they get me beyond what they are hearing, but that's super rare.

Short version: I am really open with feelings, have little fear, and it makes me kinda complicated.

 

[entropie]

Short version: I am really open with feelings, have little fear, and it makes me kinda complicated.

Gets better with age, when you get more secure at things. Then you not openly tell everybody no more on what you couldnt decide yet.

 

[❀༺♥༻ℭ𝔞𝔢𝔩𝔦𝔞_𝔄𝔦𝔰𝔩𝔦𝔫𝔤༺♥༻❀༺]

Hey everyone, I understand everyone prefers different modes of communication, so I’m curious when you’re talking about your feelings, do you prefer

a.) someone who asks you questions that leads you to discovering new/more dimensions of the experience on your own

b.) someone who validates them, including relating personally to your experience

c.) someone who provides their analysis on your experience (not to judge/invalidate, but to offer possibilities that you might have missed)

d.) someone to treat your experience lightheartedly, thereby minimizing the entire experience

e.) someone to offer (practical) solutions

Oh, and stating your MBTI type would be helpful!
Feel free to expand, elaborate on how it depends, etc.
Or add communication modes I might have missed.

I’m also extra curious if (c) grates on anyone, since I did that recently to a friend who expressed uncertainty about her experience and she later pulled this out as an example of how I come off as a “thinker” because other people would have asked, “Oh, so how did you feel?” or try to relate by giving a personal experience, etc. That’s when I realized, oh, she probably would have appreciated those routes more… ): leaving me to wonder if someone else might have appreciated a “thinker response” or if it’s generally not preferred .-. I think I might have been able to frame what I said differently, into questions, so we could have engaged in a more back-and-forth manner, and that would have been better - similar to (a)?



edit: oops, wrong subforum, I think?

I rarely share my feelings, but if I do I think B would be the first choice. That's my first step in helping others as well, because it's important to let people know you understand and that they're not alone in what they're feeling. Not everyone wants advice, sometimes it's good to listen and comfort. Its a show of empathy. I hate assumptions, and I hate when people want to grill me if I'm feeling vulnerable. I might just need a shoulder to cry on or comforting words. It all depends on what I'm feeling, but I'd say B, A, then C is how I like to be helped, and its the steps I take to help others. I value insight and perspective when I'm having conflicts or negative feelings, so I wouldn't have a problem with C. But again, it depends on the issue, different approaches work better for different situations. I feel it's better to work in steps, to validate and then give input so it's not just unwanted advice. When someone feels understood, they're more willing to listen to your perspective in my experience

 

[Typh0n]

I would say a and e, I like someone who empathizes, since it feels good to be understood, but also like to find practical solutions to problems, as I find that negative feeligs tend to disappear when the cause is removed. I actually prefer e to be honest, why discuss it just find the solution. Most of the time, that's how I am.

If someone just empathizes with me and offers nothing as a solution I see them as a little useless, what I think is ideal is someone who empathizes first in order to establish trust, then we can work on finding the solution. I don't like venting for its own sake, though. Seems rather pointless.