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  1. #1
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Question Loss: What Gives?

    Disappointment and loss are the two emotions I find most confounding and challenging. Not one member on this forum has been immune to loss.


    I am interested in how you have dealt with: a break-up, loss of a job, a pet dying, something you care about deeply that breaks, a special person moving away, a friendship fading away, losing health, a loved one's death, letting a dream go etc?


    I have to be honest that this forum has helped immensely with processing the loss of my spouse. I will include a couple images (below) that people sent or posted that have helped me immensely.


    But, I hope this thread contains more than just dealing with death.


    Please share your experiences about ALL types of losses you have been through or fear experiencing.



    What (if anything) has helped you?


    What have you found helps others?



    I am dedicating this thread to @Enthusiastic_Dreamer who is dear to me, and just lost his Father.

  2. #2
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    @senza tema posted this once and it is the single thing (including IRL) that has helped me the most with my most significant loss:




    I also received this quote from Helen Keller, from a member who I think would prefer to be anonymous. It also provided solace:


    "What we once enjoyed
    and deeply loved
    we can never lose
    For all that we love deeply
    become
    a part of us."

  3. #3
    Dream without Hesitation Dreamer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    Disappointment and loss are the two emotions I find most confounding and challenging. Not one member on this forum has been immune to loss.


    I am interested in how you have dealt with: a break-up, loss of a job, a pet dying, something you care about deeply that breaks, a special person moving away, a friendship fading away, losing health, a loved one's death, letting a dream go etc?


    I have to be honest that this forum has helped immensely with processing the loss of my spouse. I will include a couple images (below) that people sent or posted that have helped me immensely.


    But, I hope this thread contains more than just dealing with death.


    Please share your experiences about ALL types of losses you have been through or fear experiencing.



    What (if anything) has helped you?


    What have you found helps others?



    I am dedicating this thread to @Enthusiastic_Dreamer who is dear to me, and just lost his Father.
    Thank you Clouds, you are so kind.
    The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
    -Eleanor Roosevelt
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  4. #4
    Dream without Hesitation Dreamer's Avatar
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    Alrighty @Cloudpatrol, I was going to post this entry in my blog but I feel it will reach more people here in the psychology subforum and hopefully, provide some use.

    My recent affair with loss, having lost my father, and aunt on my mom's side the same weekend, meant that I had to deal with a plethora of emotions within a short time frame. I was bombarded with varying colors of sadness and emptiness. What I also faced though, were the emotions of other people and during this time, I learned some valuable lessons in learning how to better handle difficult emotions, as well as how to deal with the difficult emotions of others, how to allow yours to coexist with others', and how one can exist between the two. It is impossible to isolate yourself completely from others and to solely work on your own emotions in a time such as death, as you will quickly find that everyone around you will require multitudes of support, either emotionally or practically, and to isolate yourself only hurts yourself by prolonging your depressive state, and that of others around you.

    I pride myself on being able to work through and understand my own emotions, but one thing this experience has taught me, is how to face my own emotions and to work through them, while ALSO working through the emotions of others and offering support. Mutual support was the only way I was able to get through this period. My default response and procedure to negative emotion was failing me, and I was at a loss for emotional stability, seeing confusion within my own emotions. This is rather rare for me so the experience was unsettling to say the least. I needed external help, and a way to help identify my own emotions. Seeing them in others, talking to others, helps to give me a greater language to help identify my own emotional nuances deep inside. External references do not dictate the language I should clarify, that comes from within, but "checking" my emotions is akin to a spell check of my internal landscape.

    Though I am technically still in this process of grieving, as my father's funeral will be held this Saturday, and I will be giving the Eulogy, the emotional strife attached to death of a loved one has more or less passed, well, the hardest, most blunt edge of loss has passed. I am sure I will "relapse" with negative emotion down the road and that is completely normal to feel. But what I found very intriguing through all of this, was seeing everyone around me work through their emotions. I didn't have to talk to everyone, since most opened up to me on their own accord, and the things they said about my dad, their memories of him, what they were feeling, the questions they asked of me as a form of emotional reassurance, showed me so much of the inner workings of their emotional space. I feel as though I was given the keys to the greatest encyclopedia of emotion and feelings, by witnessing people in a state of loss. Since I was going through many of the same feelings, it felt as though I was sitting in Spanish class reading a text, while hearing the audio to it run at the same time. I was seeing their emotion, talking and sharing that emotion with them, and at the same time, feeling much of the same of that particular emotion, with them. It was truly a unique experience. Typically, I am either in pain, or others are, so I am only able to build my knowledge of emotion from a single face at a time. I felt in this instance, I was manipulating and understanding these various emotions like a 3 dimensional object in a computer modeling program and seeing it from all angles.

    I could share more of my experiences of the first four weeks of this ordeal as that was the height of my experience, but I shall end my post here.
    The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
    -Eleanor Roosevelt
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  5. #5
    Senior(ita) Member Cloudpatrol's Avatar
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    Wow.

    This:

    I feel as though I was given the keys to the greatest encyclopedia of emotion and feelings, by witnessing people in a state of loss. Since I was going through many of the same feelings, it felt as though I was sitting in Spanish class reading a text, while hearing the audio to it run at the same time. I was seeing their emotion, talking and sharing that emotion with them, and at the same time, feeling much of the same of that particular emotion, with them. It was truly a unique experience. Typically, I am either in pain, or others are, so I am only able to build my knowledge of emotion from a single face at a time. I felt in this instance, I was manipulating and understanding these various emotions like a 3 dimensional object in a computer modeling program and seeing it from all angles.
    What a beautiful and well-drawn out explanation.

    The bolded hit me in the 'truths' and 'feelz'. It is SO cool when someone can put subtitles on an experience that you have never been able to put words to.

  6. #6
    Dream without Hesitation Dreamer's Avatar
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    A curious thing that has happened to my grieving, and I'm not sure when exactly, the shift happened, but I feel I no longer grieve for the direct loss I have suffered, but I am now grieving for the loss of much more abstract concepts. I find myself now grieving for the loss of a relationship between father and son, for the loss of a good soul having left, for the loss of his continued life experience. I feel I have come to terms with his physical passing, and feel he is with me spiritually, but now when I cry, I notice it is for much different, intangible reasons.
    The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
    -Eleanor Roosevelt
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  7. #7
    Analytical Dreamer Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enthusiastic_Dreamer View Post
    A curious thing that has happened to my grieving, and I'm not sure when exactly, the shift happened, but I feel I no longer grieve for the direct loss I have suffered, but I am now grieving for the loss of much more abstract concepts. I find myself now grieving for the loss of a relationship between father and son, for the loss of a good soul having left, for the loss of his continued life experience. I feel I have come to terms with his physical passing, and feel he is with me spiritually, but now when I cry, I notice it is for much different, intangible reasons.
    Yes. If you marry, your spouse will never know him except through shared stories. If you have children, they will grow up with one less grandparent. There are all the conversations you will never have, and all the things you will never do together.

    Sorry if this is a downer. It is a big part of loss for me - all the potentials that will never be realized. (I guess Ni doesn't mix well with grief.)

    I lost a close family friend - more like an uncle, actually - just a year or so after getting married. He and my INTP had some significant shared interests, and though they did meet and have a few occasions to talk, they had so much more to say to each other, and I think would have been great friends over the years. It doesn't help that this friend died way too young, lost to suicide. His is the first of the significant deaths I number in my life, as I lost my sole grandmother too young to have much recall of it.
    I've been called a criminal, a terrorist, and a threat to the known universe. But everything you were told is a lie. The truth is, they've taken our freedom, our home, and our future. The time has come for all humanity to take a stand...
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  8. #8
    Dream without Hesitation Dreamer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Yes. If you marry, your spouse will never know him except through shared stories. If you have children, they will grow up with one less grandparent. There are all the conversations you will never have, and all the things you will never do together.

    Sorry if this is a downer. It is a big part of loss for me - all the potentials that will never be realized. (I guess Ni doesn't mix well with grief.)

    I lost a close family friend - more like an uncle, actually - just a year or so after getting married. He and my INTP had some significant shared interests, and though they did meet and have a few occasions to talk, they had so much more to say to each other, and I think would have been great friends over the years. It doesn't help that this friend died way too young, lost to suicide. His is the first of the significant deaths I number in my life, as I lost my sole grandmother too young to have much recall of it.
    Oh my. Suicide deaths are incredibly sad for me. Aside from his passing, I know what you mean. The lost potential on that friendship between your INTP and your uncle, the moments they would have shared. I didn't know your uncle of course, but it doesn't matter, I feel as though I feel that pain, simply because that sort of concept is what I grieve for now. My brother was having many of the same issues with my dad passing, but as I told him, the thing that has helped me get through this odeal immensely, is to not focus on the opportunities lost out on, but the moments that we all shared together, and focus on how fantastic they were. Me and my dad shared some great stories, and while I do not tend to look back to memory and revel in past experience as much as I look towards the future and what it is to come, it is in reliving those past experiences and remembering them so well, that my dad's presence can almost be felt physically. I went on a camping trip over the weekend to get out of the city to reflect and to escape socializing of any kind. I climbed atop a large collection of rocks, about 50 feet up or so. Some would say it was dangerous, but a sunset was about to occur, and I knew that being on the top of that mound would afford me the most fantastic views. Upon reaching the top, I was indeed, given a glorious sunset. And while I found the situation sad, as my dad had deeply enjoyed camping and the great outdoors, the memory of him, alongside this very real experience I was feeling, aligned for just a brief moment, and I felt a unity. I felt as though he were there with me watching the sun penetrate the sky and clouds above. He was smiling with me as tears ran down my face. It was a cold day but the sun felt on my face was warm.

    For a brief moment in my grieving process, the first moments or so that he had passed, all I could think about were those missed opportunities. But then I felt a shift in my thinking, and that was to revert back to memory, and find a peace in those fantastic memories we DID share.
    The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams
    -Eleanor Roosevelt
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  9. #9
    Egad! No bondage! Obfuscate's Avatar
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    i will lead with a pair of poems... the first concerning a narrow miss with my father, and the other concerning my aunt's suicide (she had terminal cancer)... the second feels almost trite when i read it; i can't figure out why that is or what is wrong with it... i bet even if i had managed to put together something excellent, i would think i needed better words...



    i know when my aunt was dying it was almost surreal... sometimes i really didn't know how to respond to the things she said... for awhile she lost her mind... i am not sure if that was due to the illness, the stress it caused, or perhaps a combination of the two... she was my mother's only sibling... she told me how lucky i was to have so many siblings... i think a week after she was gone, the worst part became the rest of my family's grief... her parents, her children, and my mom were hit the hardest... a couple of months ago i talked to my brother about it... he felt responsible because he wasn't with her more often... he said her temporary insanity "freaked him out" and he hadn't been able to see her that way... i felt the same way at first... i had lived a block from her for a longtime, but my visits were sporadic... i wasn't bothered by her being nuts in the way he was... it made me want to look out for her... to get her talking so i could monitor her head space... she gave many of her possessions away during that time... she felt compelled to do good for others... she told me she liked having me around because i didn't think she was crazy (funny how that goes)... my mom was with her the night before... she said she had a strong feeling that she shouldn't leave her, but she kept getting calls from home about the mundane details of life (so she did)... i think she must have blamed herself for awhile also... i am not sure if anyone else in my family felt guilt concerning it... the "funny" thing is that she was going to die anyway... i am kind of glad she left the world sane and on her own terms... my mom thinks that had something to do with the timing... that the fear of madness must of had as much to do with it as the progression of the disease... *shrugs*

    "so it goes"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    i thought i was going to talk about when my great grandmother died (the funeral in the poem above), but talking about my aunt was kind of "tiring", and i am not sure i can really say anything of meaning about it... she was old, and had been waiting "to see Jesus" for many years... she didn't believe in an immediate afterlife (nor do i for that matter)... i will say that due to miscommunication i thought she had died several times before it ever really happened... she was the most genuine/kind person i have ever known...

    ---------------------------------------------------

    i thought about saying something concerning my father, but he is "here" and i don't want to think about it... maybe i will come back to talk about other types of loss later...
    "The vanity of intelligence is that the intelligent man is often more committed to 'one-upping' his opponent than being truthful. When the idea of intelligence, rather than intelligence itself, becomes a staple, there is no wisdom in it."
    Criss Jami

    "When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion."
    "Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving."
    Dale Carnegie
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  10. #10
    Administrator highlander's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    Disappointment and loss are the two emotions I find most confounding and challenging. Not one member on this forum has been immune to loss.
    Yes, I find it the most difficult thing I've had to deal with.

    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    I am interested in how you have dealt with: a break-up, loss of a job, a pet dying, something you care about deeply that breaks, a special person moving away, a friendship fading away, losing health, a loved one's death, letting a dream go etc?
    I find all this to be pretty unpredictable and actually happening very infrequently in my life. Sometimes I don't go through anything when it seems like I should and other times, I am devastated. I switched jobs once and grieved for a year or more. I had a year long episode of depression after reconnecting with an old girlfriend. A friend of mine committed suicide and it's taken me a couple of years for that not to deeply bother me. Those are the three things I can think of offhand. I was depressed for about a week after Trump won but don't count that .

    Quote Originally Posted by Cloudpatrol View Post
    What (if anything) has helped you?
    The only thing that seems to help is the passage of time. Wish I had a better answer. I took anti-depressants and mood stabilizers during a severe case once (after connecting with the old girlfriend) and that actually did help. I was surprised I needed that.

    What have you found helps others?

    Maybe time. Same thing.

    Please provide feedback on my Nohari and Johari Window by clicking here: Nohari/Johari

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