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  1. #1
    & Badger, Ratty and Toad Mole's Avatar
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    Default Learning to Fit into Groups

    Ever since I have been a little boy, I would bowl up to groups and just start interacting without first seeing what they were doing and saying.

    Naturally the group would reject me for not paying them enough respect.

    And even today I find I do the same thing.

    So I am trying to learn to fit into groups.

    The Capt'n says I should form my own personal thread in a sub-forum but I think this would be a mistake because I would be isolated in my own mind and I would not be learning to fit into groups.

    Victor.

  2. #2
    Wild Card Atomic Fiend's Avatar
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    [Hustler]Fitting in is for suckas.[/Hustler]

    Be yourself, and you'll find the friends you gain will be of higher quality than those who you have to change for.

  3. #3
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    Default Learning to Change

    Quote Originally Posted by Loudly Wrong View Post
    [Hustler]Fitting in is for suckas.[/Hustler]

    Be yourself, and you'll find the friends you gain will be of higher quality than those who you have to change for.
    Thanks for your post.

    I find I am in three social levels. The first is one-to-one where I feel fairly confident to make friends.

    The second is small groups where I plainly muck it up.

    And interestingly, the third is large groups which I like.

    Each level requires different skills.

    And I need to develop my skill with small groups.

    Perhaps it is sentimental individualism to think I can learn without changing.

    Victor.

  4. #4
    Procrastinating
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    I have the same problem but agree with LW even though it is easier said than done.

  5. #5
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    Default The Psychology of Defeat

    Quote Originally Posted by Seanan View Post
    I have the same problem but agree with LW even though it is easier said than done.
    This is a psychology of defeat - if you don't learn, you don't win.

    Victor.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by Victor View Post
    This is a psychology of defeat - if you don't learn, you don't win.

    Victor.
    I don't know why I said "LW" when I meant SH..

    Be yourself, and you'll find the friends you gain will be of higher quality than those who you have to change for.

    I've reached a point where, in agreement with this, it is "winning"... the other way is defeat as I see it. I like who I am and don't care to modify that for anyone. If I wouldn't want them in my house, then I don't care to "fit in."

  7. #7
    ish red no longer *sad* nightning's Avatar
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    I found it wasn't really worth the effort to "fit into a group". I ended up not liking who I am much when I tried doing that. Simply because I don't truly fit...

    I adjust behavior enough to get things done... that is really all you need I think.

  8. #8
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    It doesn't sound like Victor is trying to change himself to be permantly accepted into a group or anything unhealthy like that. It just sounds like he's trying to get over not making a bad first impression or something like that. Is that somewhat correct, Victor?

    I don't believe in following any methods or techniques when it comes to dealing with people. Just be natural and flow and everything will be fine. I think I would need more understanding of how you interact with them at first. You say they reject you for not offering enough respect? If so, how? Are you sure that's what happening? Maybe you're the one rejecting yourself by thinking too much about their reactions.

    What kind of groups are you talking about? A clique or just a group of people having a conversation together? And why do you want to fit in? To have a fun conversation or to feel a sense of belonging?

    Don't try to impress people and don't try to be all scientific about it. And when people ignore you, don't take it personally. It's not their fault if you're just a tiny blip on their radar. Lots of really great people won't go out of their way in normal circumstances to make a newcomer feel welcome. Maybe they're having too much fun, they don't notice, or doing something like that would make them feel uncomfortable themselves.

    If you are being yourself and they don't accept you, screw 'em. But if you're trying too hard and it comes across as weird, arrogant, and creepy, then you need to chill out.
    "When a resolute young fellow steps up the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find that it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

  9. #9
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    Default Instant Like

    Quote Originally Posted by LucrativeSid View Post
    It doesn't sound like Victor is trying to change himself to be permantly accepted into a group or anything unhealthy like that. It just sounds like he's trying to get over not making a bad first impression or something like that. Is that somewhat correct, Victor?
    Yes, Sid, I like company and I know small groups can get things done. However you are right, I do have a habit of making a bad, first impression. And I have done this for a long time.

    I dunno, maybe it's vanity on my part or perhaps I am mildly paranoid. Who knows? But I think my life would be better if I could learn to make a good first impression.

    It is no joke when I ask, "Why do people take an instant dislike to me?".
    And the answer is, "Because it saves time".

    Who knows, who knows, maybe I can turn it round into instant like.

    Victor.

  10. #10
    Member Judous's Avatar
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    Why woudl you conform yourself to fit into a group?
    I = 89% N = 79% T = 84% p = 74%

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