Let’s discuss insecurity. Not just in relationships, which is where we often think about it, but wherever it may rear its ugly head.
What do you perceive as insecurity? What are your particular insecurities? How do you try to deal with or improve them? How have the insecurities of your families, SOs, friends etc affected you?
Here are the examples in my life I’ve been dealing with/musing on recently:
-I’ve been kind of mentoring a frighteningly clingy 18 year old. She is seriously depressed (just starting therapy) and has a lot of issues on top of that, I think. She has zero relationship with her also depressed mother and more of a “pal” relationship with her dad. She’s semi-stalked me (muscles in on any exchange I have with friends on FB, gone into my building when I’m not there, etc), and gets ridiculously, childishly jealous if I’m with her and even talk to our mutual friends. Not turn my back and deliberately ignore her. Talk to them for two minutes without directly including her. Etc. Needless to say, setting boundaries has both been a big priority and a huge challenge. Slightly draining to say the least. (She doesn’t have a crush on me, if you’re wondering…well, I don’t think so. She definitely likes men. And she had a similar relationship with another woman my age who gave her the time of day, before me.)
-I was in recent months interested in a guy considerably older than me, almost 15 years (have started a few other threads relating to this guy!). I actually thought our friendship was going “somewhere” until he told me he’d started dating someone else. I realised belatedly that he had shown a lot of signs of insecurity (no, not just saying that because I’m bitter! And it was pretty obvious though he seemed to greatly enjoy being around me, that I was making him feel insecure in some ways at least). Including: he teased me because I came from a “higher” social class than he did; called me a “child” (actually, a “bairn”!) when he told me he was going out with someone else (who btw is only slightly older than me); made some disparaging comments about women his age (he’s 45); is very attractive and youthful but goes on about getting “old”; is now dating someone who he said himself (according to a mutual friend who filled me in) has serious issues with jealousy; had told me about his previous two girlfriends, one of whom he said “wasn’t all there” and also had commitment issues, and the second was “high maintenance” (this was also when he complimented me for my laid-backness, which I thought was positive, but now I tend to think he prefers people with lots of issues!).
-I have a good friend a few years older than me who without telling any of her friends, ran off to a Middle Eastern country and married a guy she only knew slightly…not even kidding. I cite this as insecurity because it just seemed very much as though the fear of being alone pushed her to be with a man, any man (as long as he’s Arab…she’s obsessed with the Middle East.) She’s now back in the West and helping him to get a visa… In terms of insecurity, she also concluded that because a few of her friends had been funny with her about this that they were all “ostracizing” her.
-Myself (not letting myself off the hook): I do tend to lecture people, or wake up and find myself in the middle of a lecture, and sometimes I wonder if it’s just to hide some deep inadequacy…
Share your thoughts about insecurity! Don’t be shy!