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  1. #31
    Senior Member cafe's Avatar
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    Just going blahblahblahblahbittyblah with whatever pops into your head seems to work fairly well, or it's the best thing I've come up with so far.

    Except sometimes the weird stuff comes out, but people seem to prefer that to someone not saying anything most of the time. Meh.
    “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged. One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world. The other, of course, involves orcs.”
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  2. #32
    Lay the coin on my tongue SilkRoad's Avatar
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    By and large I think my best friendships, and by extension my best conversations, have been with introverts. But I guess the initial stages can be challenging, and sometimes those initial stages can last for a long time (some friendships take a considerable time to develop.)

    For an introvert, I think I can put up a pretty good extrovert front. I can be quite a people person if I'm fairly comfortable with the person/people I'm around, and I think I have managed to draw a few introverts out of their shell, at least temporarily. But if I'm met with a blank wall whatever I say, it's difficult.

    Judging from the way many other INFJs seem to describe themselves, I don't think I'm as introverted as some - or perhaps the environments I've lived in have forced me to act more extroverted. However, I also don't think I'm as intuitive about other people/their feelings as a lot of INFJs either are, or claim to be (I don't really buy this "all true INFJs are psychic and know exactly what everyone else is thinking all the time" thing). So I find that with some people, it's relatively easy for me to tell what they're feeling/thinking even if they are quite reserved (or maybe I'm just kidding myself?!), but with others, I have no clue.

  3. #33
    Was E.laur Laurie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    I'm an Extravert, and it's usually easy to talk to other Extraverts, but they can be overwhelming at times.
    Agreed.

    You are going to have to be willing to "screw up" sometimes socially if you are going to try to be more outgoing.

    Actually, I'm not the best, socially, unless I'm in a comfortable situation, so it's not just the extroversion.

  4. #34
    Kraken down on piracy Lux's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wonkavision View Post
    You can develop Extraversion.


    How do you do this?

    Challenge yourself.


    Introverts tend to mentally rehearse what they are thinking.

    Challenge yourself to speak without rehearsing. In baby-steps, according to your comfort level.

    The other Introvert will be glad you took the initiative.

    It sounds like you're already trying this. Keep challenging yourself to do it more. You'll get better and better at it.


    Speaking takes a lot of energy for Introverts, because they've already spent so much energy processing before they speak.

    Less processing = more available energy.

    More available energy = increased ability to Extravert.


    It's a snowball effect.

    Once you get momentum going, it's increasingly easier to keep it going.

    But since you're an Introvert, you will need to conserve your energy wisely.

    Don't talk about yourself.

    Ask a lot of questions to determine their interests, and stick to topics around their areas of interest.

    The one time Introverts have no difficulty in talking is when they are speaking about their special interest, hobby or skill.

    You're probably already trying this, too. But keep trying.

    I promise you'll get better and better at it.



    I hope this is food for thought, or at the very least, that you find it encouraging.

    Thank you for this advice. I'm back in school and I really have a hard time with talking to people I don't know. My husband (ENTJ) had some similar advice for me when I asked him how he does it. He also mentioned the asking questions about others, which is easy for me to do considering I'm so interested in people already. Thanks again, and it has been getting easier the more I do it

  5. #35
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    ENFJ man told me that asking people questions about themselves is the best way to get the ball rolling (how long have you worked here, you have a Malibu sticker on your car, do you waterski, how long has your kid been playing soccer, etc). Even he gets a bit exhausted from making the talk all the time but I think that's partially due to that type being a little more introverted for an E. I think that the older and more experienced introverts get, the more they learn to develop some extroversion. Or at least learn to fake it better.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  6. #36
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cafe View Post
    Just going blahblahblahblahbittyblah with whatever pops into your head seems to work fairly well, or it's the best thing I've come up with so far.

    Except sometimes the weird stuff comes out, but people seem to prefer that to someone not saying anything most of the time. Meh.
    Yeah.

    This is basically all there is to it.
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  7. #37
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elaur View Post

    You are going to have to be willing to "screw up" sometimes socially if you are going to try to be more outgoing.
    So true.

    It's all about doing your best and challenging yourself.

    Allowing yourself to fail and get back up again.
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  8. #38
    Retired Member Wonkavision's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SilkRoad View Post

    Judging from the way many other INFJs seem to describe themselves, I don't think I'm as introverted as some - or perhaps the environments I've lived in have forced me to act more extroverted.
    Yeah.

    If anybody wants to develop any aspect of their personality, the best thing to do is expose themselves to situations where they're forced out of their comfort zone.

    Introverts develop Extraversion by developing their secondary function.

    By becoming more aware of their environment, they become more interested in direct, spontaneous interaction with it.
    They seek out more external data and tend to ask people more questions, instead of just quietly researching things or wondering to themselves.

    And as mentioned in other parts of this thread, asking people questions is a great way to keep a conversation going.


    Life and Nature always encourage growth, and so people generally develop their weaker functions as they get older, by being forced to use them.

    We don't usually have to seek out situations that challenge us, because life throws them at us all the time.

    But the key is not to compulsively avoid them.

    They are definitely opportunities for growth.

    So, for example if Introverts want to develop Extraversion, all they have to do is challenge themselves to speak without rehearsing things in their head.

    There will be plenty of opportunities to try this, and they can do it in baby steps, according to their comfort level.
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  9. #39
    Shaman BlackCat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Hey Black Cat - can you clearly explain your desire for conversational skills?
    I want better conversational skills so that I can keep up my interaction with introverted acquaintances. This is because I desire to have more real "friends", but if you can't do anything for conversation...

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    What do you want to get out of conversation/a social interaction?
    Probably more of a tighter bond between the two of us, a satisfying interaction.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Do you want to learn how to approach strangers and 'strike up a conversation' or merely 'conduct' a convo with someone you already know?
    The latter. I'm just fine at starting the initial interaction, but with other introverts it's hard to keep it interesting after we share ourselves.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Would it be possible to just learn to be content with silence and observation?
    This is what I usually do... But the thing is is that they're introverts, and they will respond and try to conserve as much people energy as possible with their response.

    Quote Originally Posted by CzeCze View Post
    Is it partly to meet social expectation?
    Nope, I already meet these I'd say.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    yeah I notice that when I've talked with introverts about why they find conversation difficult, it's turned out that they seem to spend too much time "planning" the conversation. Like, they want to know it's going to go alright, so they're like, "well, I'll say this, and then if they say this then I'll say this, but if they say that then I'll say this, and then... and then what?" and at that point they run away. When really they shouldn't be doing that at all - you don't need to plan it anywhere beyond "I'll just go and say hi, and see what they say", and then you just react to what they say by saying whatever honestly comes into your head, perhaps after passing it through the tact filter, but if that's too much hard work then just blurt shit out anyway, you can always apologize and clarify later
    Indeed. Usually I plan in my head to get an idea of what I want to say or what I expect someone to react like etc, but then I improvise from there.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Where the difficulty can come in is when you say hi to someone and then they don't really give you much to go by in return - very common with introverts. This is where the extravert ends up having to work hard to draw them out, and then reading on forums how introverts hate when we do that, that they wish we'd just leave them alone lol
    Lol. When an introvert does that I go into question asking mode, ask a bajillion questions, answer for myself, they usually start commenting and talking.

    Quote Originally Posted by substitute View Post
    Conversation between E and I would probably be more likely to flow than I and I in these situations, simply because with the latter, you've both got to be making an effort to go out of your comfort zone. Although remember that E's get nervous and insecure too, when we blunder in anyway it's because of the drive to externalize and connect, it overrides that anxiety but it doesn't mean we don't still feel it.
    It's not getting out of the comfort zone, it's just that we usually think of responses that condense our thoughts as to save energy. And believe me, I need to do this. So in I-I interactions it's either really good since we've found something to talk about or we will just be sort of short and to the point when it's uninteresting.

    I have no issues STARTING social relations or getting to know people, my issue is maintaining these relations and keeping them interesting when they are an introvert.
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  10. #40
    Senior Member substitute's Avatar
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    yeah I have had the exact same problem with every single INFP I've ever encountered, so I thought it was kinda funny and ironic that an INFP was asking for help with other people making it hard for them to stay in touch without always having to take the initiative and work at it harder than the other person does.

    I guess a bit of honesty might help too, like actually saying to them hey, you know, do you wanna be part of this friendship or not? only cos like, you're making me do all the work and that's giving me this idea that maybe my gestures to you aren't welcome, cos you're just not reciprocating any of them. Maybe if they can be made to realize how it's making you feel, and kinda how anti-social and rude it is to accept it when someone comes to them but never make the effort themselves, it might spur them on a bit.

    I find though that with some of the very passive introverts I know, who do this really badly, I've ended up having to just sorta demote them to outer circles of my life and let them go, as it were. Cos I just haven't the time or energy to maintain friends like that, who make me always have to go to them, when I've got other friends too who come to me and who, when I go to them, I don't feel like "here we go again, me having to do all the work". It's sad, cos some of them are people I really really dig and I do feel sad that they just can't seem to pull their fingers out, because on the times when I've made the effort we've had great conversations and got along really well, really enjoyed ourselves. But after exhausting myself with trying to keep up friendships with people like that, I've just kinda realized that it's not a fair expectation of myself, so I've had to leave them to decide whether they want the friendship or not and if they really did, they'd pull their fingers out. In 90% of cases they don't, and it genuinely does sadden me, but I get over it and let it go and have many other friends so...
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