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  1. #11
    reflecting pool Typh0n's Avatar
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    I think what the OP is talking about is not voicing problems in a relationship. I tend to do that, even though Im working on it to try and do it less. I guess I feel so much pain emotionally sometimes that I try and not hurt others feelings, which is also because I understand that domain(of feelings) well and feel responsible towards others in that area. I think its important to simply voice your concerns in a way that doesnt attack others, which is one of the things I have trouble doing.

  2. #12
    Junior Member Alight owl's Avatar
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    Yeah, Typh0n - that's exactly what i'm saying.
    I try to manage relationships so that the other person won't feel upset with me or the relationship. i think that if i can do that, then he won't leave me. I have a huge abandonment complex (usually i try to leave before being left, which also plays into this. when things get bad, i just tear us both apart and run away). And then all the management gets to be too much in my head, and it gets stuck in my body too. I'm left feeling like I've tiptoed around the other person for so long that he doesn't know who i am and really, neither do i anymore.

    So in order to assert myself, I have to assert all that pent up aggression that's weighing down on me. I have to get it all out so it stops smothering the relationship. And the aggression is directed at myself and at my SO - I'll be angry with myself for allowing my boundaries to be breached (and for not trusting the other person with my real emotions) and angry at my SO for being fragile enough that I had to lie the whole time we were in relationship. It ends up feeling like i just blow up the world...

  3. #13
    Junior Member Alight owl's Avatar
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    Your post makes me wonder if my behavior is more sx/sp --
    I definitely don't feel like 'just' giving up. I have to explain why i'm doing it to the other person, which usually ends a power struggle that we've been going through for awhile, or else flairs it up anew...

    I'm wondering, do you feel the need to explain things when you let a relationship slide? i think i want to explain so that we'll get everything out in the open and the relationship will be better for it. just sometimes it takes the form of a tirade or an attack. but usually i really truly believe that i'm making things better, even though i know that i'm also hurting my SO.

    I wonder if my impulse to conceal / inability to express my feelings is more just a 4w5 thing? Do other 4w5s have that same problem?

  4. #14
    Senior Member IndyGhost's Avatar
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    I can only really recall one phase of my life where I've actually pushed people away. I moved states to get away from the people I wanted to get away from... which was everyone. And then I never left my home to make new friends once I got there.

    Other times when I experience my lows, I actually experience them as highs. I had wondered if I were bipolar because of this. Basically, I'll drown out the sound of my own voice with booze and late night partying. This is what often made me think I wasn't a four. I'm not sure if it's typical behavior of one.

    When I was in a more serious relationship, however, I was prone to staying up very late at night to write out my thoughts in a journal. My boyfriend was always frustrated that I never went to bed at the same time as him. But I felt like it was the only time I could be alone with my thoughts. In a way, I suppose I did push him away. I didn't really self reveal the types of things I wrote about. We grew out of love with one another during that time, and eventually broke up after a year or so of this type of relationship.
    "I don't know a perfect person.
    I only know flawed people who are still worth loving."
    -John Green

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alight owl View Post
    Yeah, Typh0n - that's exactly what i'm saying.
    I try to manage relationships so that the other person won't feel upset with me or the relationship. i think that if i can do that, then he won't leave me. I have a huge abandonment complex (usually i try to leave before being left, which also plays into this. when things get bad, i just tear us both apart and run away). And then all the management gets to be too much in my head, and it gets stuck in my body too. I'm left feeling like I've tiptoed around the other person for so long that he doesn't know who i am and really, neither do i anymore.

    So in order to assert myself, I have to assert all that pent up aggression that's weighing down on me. I have to get it all out so it stops smothering the relationship. And the aggression is directed at myself and at my SO - I'll be angry with myself for allowing my boundaries to be breached (and for not trusting the other person with my real emotions) and angry at my SO for being fragile enough that I had to lie the whole time we were in relationship. It ends up feeling like i just blow up the world...
    Yeah, this sounds like sx/sp 4w5 to me.

  6. #16
    Member Asterism's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alight owl View Post
    Yeah, Typh0n - that's exactly what i'm saying.
    I try to manage relationships so that the other person won't feel upset with me or the relationship. i think that if i can do that, then he won't leave me. I have a huge abandonment complex (usually i try to leave before being left, which also plays into this. when things get bad, i just tear us both apart and run away). And then all the management gets to be too much in my head, and it gets stuck in my body too. I'm left feeling like I've tiptoed around the other person for so long that he doesn't know who i am and really, neither do i anymore.

    So in order to assert myself, I have to assert all that pent up aggression that's weighing down on me. I have to get it all out so it stops smothering the relationship. And the aggression is directed at myself and at my SO - I'll be angry with myself for allowing my boundaries to be breached (and for not trusting the other person with my real emotions) and angry at my SO for being fragile enough that I had to lie the whole time we were in relationship. It ends up feeling like i just blow up the world...
    This is how a lot of my relationships have ended, unfortunately. When I blow up, it comes off like I'm blaming the other person 100% for how things have turned out, but I'm mostly angry with myself for being so avoidant, and angry at them for not being able to see through it.

  7. #17
    Member Aurora James's Avatar
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    I think recklessness is more related to the sexual/intimate instinct than a Five wing.
    4w5 so/sp - 5w4 sx/so - 9w1 sp/sx
    Fi>Ne>Ni>Si>Ti >Fe>Te>Se
    Phlegmatic/Melancholic
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  8. #18
    The Typing Tabby grey_beard's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Push people away with withdrawal and very bad moods and just not keeping in contact.
    Recklessness/indulgence - nothing too extreme..
    General irresponsible behavior - again not too extreme, but probably looks flaky or disrespectful.

    I've never done anything like the OP. Instead I do a self-rejection. I don't feel like I've ever broken anyone else. I tend to feel like breaking myself more as a lesson to teach others, to make them regret destroying something "beautiful" by ignoring or not valuing it. The other behaviors tend to stem from that. It's kind of just "giving up" for me, but there is something impulsive about it because I can be chugging along & then just want to trash all the results, deeming them meaningless - nothing in relation to the effort put in.
    You can say THAT again!

    Quote Originally Posted by OrangeAppled View Post
    Push people away with withdrawal and very bad moods and just not keeping in contact.
    Recklessness/indulgence - nothing too extreme..
    General irresponsible behavior - again not too extreme, but probably looks flaky or disrespectful.

    I've never done anything like the OP. Instead I do a self-rejection. I don't feel like I've ever broken anyone else. I tend to feel like breaking myself more as a lesson to teach others, to make them regret destroying something "beautiful" by ignoring or not valuing it. The other behaviors tend to stem from that. It's kind of just "giving up" for me, but there is something impulsive about it because I can be chugging along & then just want to trash all the results, deeming them meaningless - nothing in relation to the effort put in.
    ...oh, wait. You just *DID*.
    "Love never needs time. But friendship always needs time. More and more and more time, up to long past midnight." -- The Crime of Captain Gahagan

    Please comment on my johari / nohari pages.

  9. #19
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    I flip and switch between liking and despising others. I can't seem to feel the same way about a particular person for more than a few meetings. It drives me insane and I'm sure makes me a highly variable person to be around. I guess this is that dark impulse, to just never build anything. It's almost like flipping the bird at life.....I refuse to participate.

  10. #20
    Member Daydreaming Swan's Avatar
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    I think this is because of your instinctual subtype...the sexual instinct can be "dark"
    4w5 so/sp - 5w4 so/sx - 9w1 sp/so
    Fi > Ne > Ni > Fe > Si > Ti > Se > Te
    Melancholic/Phlegmatic/Supine

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