I've been in a deep withdrawn rut for the past few months, and whenever I talk myself into dismissing the negative judgements I've had since I was 12, I just feel extremely depersonalized. All of a sudden I realize I'm just some guy. I'm not unique, I'm not reclusive, there's no grand narrative, I'm just some guy. Another smiling insignificant chap who's settled for normalcy.
I used to like the idea of being happy and now I don't. The struggle makes me feel special, like I know something others don't. That'd be all fine and dandy, but I'm so trapped in fantasy land, I can't even get myself to actually bring these grandiose fantasies to life. It's much easier to fantasize about being a film director or actor, and much harder to go through the motions of writing sh-tty screenwrites and auditioning for off-off-off-off-off-broadway plays.
I used to like the idea of being around people (after all, I'm an extrovert), but noone can possibly measure up to the ideal world I've created for myself. No friend is good enough, no girl is good enough, no hobby or activity is good enough, every film that has ever been made sucks, every person I've idolized is a bore, every physical experience is underwhelming. My ideal love, ideal friends, they don't and can't exist. Coming back to reality means I have to settle. The only thing that brings me joy are my pathetic fantasies about being interviewed about my work, interviews I'll never do, because i have no incentive to realize them. I don't even recognize my actual self anymore, just melodramatic fluff for the sake of feeling significant. My feelings and thoughts used to be somewhat organic, now it's just a character that I play that no person could possibly appreciate.
How do I keep my sense of significance while being appreciative of life as it is? A life that isn't fantastical or euphoric, but just, balanced and realistic.