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[NF] Is there such a thing as a successful romantic relationship between NF and ST?

risha

New member
Joined
Apr 14, 2018
Messages
3
MBTI Type
ENFP
Hi all! Your feedback and experiences would be very much appreciated.

I am a female ENFP currently in a new relationship with a male ESTP. We enjoy each others' energy, enthusiasm and kindness, but we're both a bit baffled and scared because we're so aware of how different we are; both of us keep repeating "this couldn't possibly work, could it...?" :cry: :unsure: I guess we don't want to wake up hating each other in a year's time. Any advice?

I dated an ISTP for 5 years and it was great, until I woke up one day realising that I wanted to be with someone who would want to talk about philosophy with me deep into the night and could acknowledge some emotions too. That said, we're still friends and I have a lot of appreciation for the stability and adventure he brought into my life. I was pretty young - now I value a good sense of humour over the ability to talk endlessly about Sartre and Socrates. (Although I might just be rationalising because I'm in love with an ST again). I do think I get along better romantically with ESTPs than ISTPs due to the extroversion of ESTPs - we seem to share a deep-seated curiosity and urge to meet new people and do new things. Perhaps the ISTP's primary judging Ti made me feel as if he was just a bit too quick to jump to conclusions.

As for ISTJs and ESTJS - I have several good friends of these types, but I don't picture myself ever being romantically involved with any of them. It sounds to me like that would be an excercise in swallowing our impatience for both of us. Any experiences proving otherwise from you?
 

~Alissia~

New member
Joined
Feb 22, 2018
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Yeah that's the kicker for me too. I spent 10 years with an ISTJ and 7 years with an ESTP. I could never experience talking to my partner about all of the ideas that made me really excited. Oh...and I regularly was told by both I was crazy :dry:.....kinda rude
 

notmyapples

New member
Joined
Oct 26, 2017
Messages
398
MBTI Type
INFP
Enneagram
9w1
Instinctual Variant
sp/so
Yes. There may be a lot of differences, there may be more work put into the relationship, but it can work. An ISTP can be capable of deep philosophical conversations, especially ISTPs because their Ni is tertiary and thus not as often underdeveloped, it's simply that they are less likely to enjoy it as much as an intuitive or prefer different activities. If you truly love someone and want to be with them, regardless of typology, you are willing to work on those things together. If not and having those deep conversations with someone who values them equally as much is more important to you, then leave. Both are important choices of equal value to make, but they are choices.

You are setting yourself up for failure with your ESTP by talking about how it could never work. Relationships are not a game of chance that you roll a dice on and bam, you magically met the perfect person for you and have true love. That does not exist. They're just as you said, work. You fight and compromise in them, you disagree on values and must learn to overcome those obstacles in order to flourish. An ST and NF match-up may be more of that work and need two very mature people, but the requirements will not change with any other type if you're hoping to make a deep, genuine connection. You'll run into disagreements and bumps with every other person, even someone of your own type, because they are not you. It is completely our own choice to decide whether we love a person enough or desire a future with them in a way that makes us willing to move past those differences.

Anyway, my advice is; stop taking typology into account when it comes to looking for love and stop saying stupid stuff like 'this couldn't ever work' to your ESTP because that only creates an expectation of failure so that when you inevitably fight, which every couple does, you'll both be more willing to throw your hands up and walk away because 'it could never work, just like we thought'. Any relationship can work as long as two people are trying to make it work.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,465
MBTI Type
INFJ
It's possible to make it work I'm sure, but I think it takes a lot of attention and effort, which may be hard to maintain over the long haul.

I dated an estj for five years and my mom is an enfj married to an istj. I wouldn't probably recommend it, although both pairing certainly had good aspects to them as well as bad ones.
 

Dreamer

Potential is My Addiction
Joined
Jul 26, 2015
Messages
4,542
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794
I have limited real life experience with ESPs, but I can at least say that I always enjoy their company. They help get me out of my head for a bit and just let my hair down temporarily, absorbing life in a more “superficial” way. Sometimes there just isn’t much behind the facade, and I could use this reminder at times.

Saying this, it’s all just perception on my part, but I feel with the ESPs I’ve been around, I feel like I must bore the heck out of them after a while. For one, I tend to flip flop between extroverting and excitable and in my head and contemplating things, and this is WHILE I’m out and extroverting. They always seem to have so much more energy than me and I sometimes feel I can’t keep up! Also, when I explain things or hell, just talk, as many of you could probably guess based off my posts, I am CLEARLY not direct and straight to the point with my thoughts. I feel like half way through my speech, the ESP will already be mentally checked out and figuratively pacing back and forth waiting for me to come out with it already. Sorry guys! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! :( hahaha

I could see some potential in a relationship with an ESP, but realistically, probably a greater chance for a lasting relationship with an STJ, in part because they share the Fi with me. I mean, they share all my functions haha, but I notice, specifically, having a shared Fi with someone helps from the get-go for any kind of relationship, friend or mate.
 

lovefool21

New member
Joined
Mar 10, 2018
Messages
29
MBTI Type
ENFP
Personally my exes were (from most recent to last): INFJ, INFP, INTP, ESFJ/ENFJ (not entirely sure!).

I note the F every time except for one, who was the least satisfying inter-personally. I would think it hard to be with an ST, because they would find us NF types 'weird over-thinkers', and no one likes to be made to feel like you over-think and analyse things and don't fit in. Perhaps they are a good counterpoint and bring a practical quality that we might need, but I wonder if intimacy would always be a problem, because you couldn't engage in deep topics with them terribly well or get too touchy-feely romantic about the relationship?
 

PumpkinMayCare

𝓛ιкєтнє𝓓єνi lмαу
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Mar 2, 2017
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so/sp
I'm sure you can find a way to make it work if you are willing to live with the fact that there'll be always some kind of walls between the two of you because you are just very different - that's what thinking through that scnario logically tells me. You both gotta make a decision on that, if you're willing to except the differences between you and that he might often not be able to give you certain things you'd need and vice versa. Or it all ends up in a struggle of needs, where everyone fights for getting their needs met and that is just not nice and potentially very harmful to the longevity of the relationship.

I personally have never been with an ST. There has never been one interested in me. They think I'm a weird overthinker. I doubt even if there was one I'd have chemistry with, I'd try a relationship with them, when I can foresee that we are just way too different for it to ever work out and not end up in a mess. I've struggled enough in the past with partners who had very strong Fe and the Fe/Fi divide was already hard to overcome, eventhough we both tried really hard. :shrug: I think sometimes it's just not meant to be in a way. But that's me personally, you do you.
And you seem to be into STs, while I'm 98 percent of the time not, haha.
 

Snow as White

ƃuıǝǝs | seeing
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Dec 29, 2017
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471
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4w3
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sx/sp
i think something i've noticed in myself and other NFPs is that we can sort of magick ourselves out of relationships just based on how we are thinking about them, rather than what's actually happening in the relationship right now.

i definitely think NF types can be with ST types. you may not have that instant, understand everything, easysoeasy kind of relationship.... but is that really that bad? sometimes if a relationship is TOO easy you can just fall into patterns together and then you aren't even connecting really anymore, you're just following your script.

if ST types are attractive to you then by all means have at it and enjoy the ride :) (and stop worrying about how this shouldn't work.)
 

phoenix31

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Dec 11, 2015
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290
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INFP
Enneagram
9
I was married to an ESTP for 15 years. The marriage fell apart for a lot of reasons, many of which had nothing to do with personality differences. While it was good, we were suitable companions. I was raised as a very dependent person and my ESTP was very good at taking care of me. We also had some common interests at the time, so we bonded through those things. He was also very humorous and loved to tease me, which helped me not take life so seriously. I don't really know what I offered him. Nurturing, I guess? I was a good sidekick?

I looked elsewhere for rambling, more abstract conversations, because he wasn't really into that. And then that got me into trouble with getting emotionally invested where I shouldn't have been.

I think if I had gone to college and "found myself" instead of being stuck in a religious semi-cult, I probably would not have married him. But I can't really say that I would have found the perfect life with someone else, either. I sometimes think I am so flexible that I could really be compatible with anyone, which kind of means I never know if I'm happy or not because I don't know if I'm settling. *shrug* Is it possible for an INFP to feel satisfied and happy? I really have no idea, haha.

One thing I do remember is that our approaches to life were very, very different. For instance, he thought that buying a video gaming system and competing against each other was going to help improve our marriage. I guess because he thought we would bond that way. But to me, competition is... stupid and boring. And I don't feel any closer to anyone after participating in some kind of competition.

One nice thing about having a relationship with a Sensor is that I am pretty out of balance as an Intuitive, I think, and so in my own head" that they really bring me a sense of security by being so physically aware of their surroundings and good at hands-on stuff. It makes life feel easier. Even sexually, that was a benefit.

I seek understanding and tranquility, and he seeks adventure and fun. Somehow we managed to find some common ground for a while, so we had a good run of it, but eventually we went our separate ways.

I don't know if you can ever really say across the board, though, that certain types do or don't belong together. Every person is different and maturity levels vary, and I wouldn't ever lock myself into only pursuing relationships with certain types.
 

Agent Washington

Softserve Ice Cream
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
2,053
STPs are... probably not going to last with me. Se is not my cup of tea. Damn attractive, though.

STJs, though... I can see it potentially working, especially with dom Si, and with good Te they could just take care of the things I suck at.
 

misfortuneteller

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Apr 4, 2015
Messages
578
MBTI Type
INFP
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9w8
Instinctual Variant
sp/sx
I think this is because INFPs, INFJs and ENFPs tend to be idealist types (1,4,7) and they tend to have unrealistic expectations about relationships. I am a 9w8 INFP and I feel like i'd prefer to be with an ESTJ over an intuitive since i'd want someone to ground me rather than being as spacey as I am.
 

DeirdreWalsh

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Joined
Jul 12, 2021
Messages
1
No! Never! I am an NF, and my ex-boyfriend is an ST. It was the worst romantic relationship I've ever had in my life! I even had to find myself a relationship counselor to cope with my anxiety and depression! He literally was such a jerk! He used to call me names, ignore me, and even beat me up. I mean, this is my personal experience. But, if I were you, and if I knew that I am an NF, and he's an ST or vice-versa, I would never in 100 years date him! This does sound harsh, but sorry, that's the reality!
 

JocktheMotie

Habitual Fi LineStepper
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
8,469
I mean...of course there's a such thing. You can't have one experience and project that on to the totality of all possible experiences. Grow up!
 

chubber

failed poetry slam career
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Oct 18, 2013
Messages
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5w4
Instinctual Variant
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I mean...of course there's a such thing. You can't have one experience and project that on to the totality of all possible experiences. Grow up!

Are you trying to be mature?
 
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