[INTP] INTPs, do you attract jerks?

[Eruca]

Currently I am in college learning stuff. My fellow students are a varied bunch but nice enough sorts. However, spending my time around one particular individual makes me want to cut myself. Being around assholes or unrepentant fools makes me depressed, as they are a reminder of how self-centered humans can get.

So its unfortunate that this person has decided I'm their best fricking friend, but its my own fault. As many INTPs are, I am generally good natured and friendly to everyone I meet, and I dont judge. Because of this attitude I seem to attract dislikable people who will be taken in by no-one else. This has turned round to bite me on the ass several times when the individual who seems like a jerk, whom I give the benefit of the doubt, actually turns out to be a damn jerk.

Super graphic examples of this guys jerkishness:

He plays his music so loud people in China can hear it, then complains when people talk in the library.
In lessons he will spend an impressive amount of time examing and feeling his forearms, tensing them like a weight lifter, and punching the air.
He is a subscriber of "The New Worker", and has, on several occasions shouted out words like "Fascists!" without irony in Sociology.
He enjoys goading and pushing peoples boundries, but retreats into a near incoherent mess if someone does the same to him.
If he doesn't like someone opinion or what is being taught, he will argue with the tutor. Even when it is obvious he is wrong he will not back down, eventually forcing th tutor to give up.


Having realised my mistake, I now engage in evasive maneurvers whenever I see this guy coming towards me. So I find it so strange that the individual I respect the most at our college, an INTP, chooses to spend most of his time with this jerk. This INTP is intelligent, kind and wise and is much-liked for it. He could spend his time with anyone on our course, but instead he has passively settled into a routine with this guy.

Is this an INTP thing?
Does our relaxed attitude lead us to tolerate such people?

 

[INTP]

i make the jerks go away because i act like an jerk towards them

 

[Grungemouse]

I don't attract the jerks, but I do attract the people who are, in Lamens terms: "Not quite the ticket". The sort of people who are ostracized for their weird behaviour. I feel sorry for them, so in stead of ignoring them like everyone else, I say hi to them as I walk past. They take this as a sign of friendship and insist on following me around. I look like the weird piper.

 

[VagrantFarce]

i make the jerks go away because i act like an jerk towards them

Yes! This strategy works.

 

[Totenkindly]

So its unfortunate that this person has decided I'm their best fricking friend, but its my own fault. As many INTPs are, I am generally good natured and friendly to everyone I meet, and I dont judge. Because of this attitude I seem to attract dislikable people who will be taken in by no-one else. This has turned round to bite me on the ass several times when the individual who seems like a jerk, whom I give the benefit of the doubt, actually turns out to be a damn jerk...

... Does our relaxed attitude lead us to tolerate such people?

i think honestly you have already answered your own question.

• We can tolerate and/or accept lots of different types without apparent judgement. Not only that, but we can aspects of value/virtue within the majority of human beings, I think, even if parts of them suck; other people might be more apt to reject wholesale, if they find certain parts they do not like.
• Our lack of visible emotional reaction lets others behavior as they wish... maybe even encourages them to act out if they want to find out where the "boundaries" are (because they usually get most people to respond to their behavior and they want to understand why we don't).
• Note how you never did challenge this guy or reframe the relationship... you just avoided him. You avoided. He never knows that you don't like him, at best he just notices you avoiding him.... so he'll never change. That's another INTP issue... we abdicate the relational space rather than fighting and reclaiming some of it; we fall prey to abrasive people this way. (On another forum with REALLY introverted INTPs, they were having a troll issue... and people were actually suggesting really crazy responses, like either shutting down the whole forum to avoid the troll, or creating a forum within the forum and essentially letting the trolls have the main part of the forum, or.... just absolutely nuts... but a natural weakness of the INTP taken to an extreme. They did not know how to interact with and put boundaries on the troll, so they all wanted to avoid and hide!)

Feel free to vent, though, what you describe would be annoying to me too.

 

[Shimmy]

I don't attract jerks, I only ever attract the kindest and open minded of people. Others have to deal with, biting sarcasm, silent treatment and/or aggressive discussions.

 

[Eruca]

...

I have definitely been guilty of avoiding conflict simply by avoiding the source in the past. It might the case this time to. I had thought anyone with half a brain could pick on the not-so-subtle hints I've been giving him. But, now I think about it, Im not sure this guy has half a brain.

I'll start making it more obvious.

 

[Totenkindly]

I have definitely been guilty of avoiding conflict simply by avoiding the source in the past. It might the case this time to. I had thought anyone with half a brain could pick on the not-so-subtle hints I've been giving him. But, now I think about it, Im not sure this guy has half a brain.

You would be surprised at how many people don't pick up the cues.

We observe and draw conclusions as easy as breathing, we often do this instead of just "living outwardly." Other people really don't do this, they need slapped alongside the head to pay attention.

Either he hasn't even noticed, or your avoidance hasn't been a big-enough deal for him to bother to change.

I'll start making it more obvious.

Yup. Just be prepared for him to potentially give you crap. Once you engage someone, you're engaged... but you have hope to get him off your back permanently. Sometimes avoidance might be better, if you don't want to waste energy on him.

 

[dorcus0]

It's not that I attract jerks, it's just that jerks try to attach themselves to just about everyone... and I don't have the heart to shake them off. I prefer to avoid conflict, and to avoid contact if it helps to avoid conflict.

I leave at socially inappropriate times, using socially inappropriate methods (like not excusing myself, or not responding to a question). I also try to shut down conversation. But the "jerk" (he's not a jerk, just really annoying) just doesn't seem get it.

 

[Unique]

i think honestly you have already answered your own question.

• We can tolerate and/or accept lots of different types without apparent judgement. Not only that, but we can aspects of value/virtue within the majority of human beings, I think, even if parts of them suck; other people might be more apt to reject wholesale, if they find certain parts they do not like.
• Our lack of visible emotional reaction lets others behavior as they wish... maybe even encourages them to act out if they want to find out where the "boundaries" are (because they usually get most people to respond to their behavior and they want to understand why we don't).
• Note how you never did challenge this guy or reframe the relationship... you just avoided him. You avoided. He never knows that you don't like him, at best he just notices you avoiding him.... so he'll never change. That's another INTP issue... we abdicate the relational space rather than fighting and reclaiming some of it; we fall prey to abrasive people this way. (On another forum with REALLY introverted INTPs, they were having a troll issue... and people were actually suggesting really crazy responses, like either shutting down the whole forum to avoid the troll, or creating a forum within the forum and essentially letting the trolls have the main part of the forum, or.... just absolutely nuts... but a natural weakness of the INTP taken to an extreme. They did not know how to interact with and put boundaries on the troll, so they all wanted to avoid and hide!)

Feel free to vent, though, what you describe would be annoying to me too.

As much as I hate to admit I think I'm easier to manipulate than I admit, but at the same time there IS a line and if you cross it then its game over straight away, all of a sudden I'm extremely harsh and cut that person out of my life

 

[entropie]

Yes !

 

[Spamtar]

Yes I have both nice folks, the unique and sometimes yes even jerks (or people who acted like jerks at first) attracted to me but often I have been able to turn them around a bit or find a good side to them. If we are unable to get a compromise then they get the cold shoulder. People who don't quite fit the square peg I feel can sniff us out because we wait for more info before casting judgment. Also I suspect we sometimes like to feel superior. Sometimes we discover a diamond in the rough.

 

[Totenkindly]

As much as I hate to admit I think I'm easier to manipulate than I admit, but at the same time there IS a line and if you cross it then its game over straight away, all of a sudden I'm extremely harsh and cut that person out of my life

Yeah, it seems to be this "flex flex flex flex flex GTFO-OF-MY-LIFE *SLAM*" sort of approach.

As a weird example, there's this guy who I made friends with on FB and he was nice, but I could tell he liked me. It was rather ridiculous, he's halfway across the country, there's no way I'd even think about 'being his girlfriend' or something, but I found him pleasant and a decent sort and liked talking to him so I thought I would see if we could just be friends.

Stupidly, I had my phone number available on FB and had forgotten (I've since changed it), so he had my number and seemed very respectful at first.

A few times I felt him exerting more and more pressure on my time/space and had to be very clear about how I felt and what was / was not going to happen (and I was very clear -- "I'm currently involved with someone and you live 1500 miles away, it's never going to happen") and and he seemed responsive but then would start becoming more intrusive again. This weekend after I told him not to call because I was really busy, he bombarded me with texts and unexpected phone calls and then texts about me not answering his calls (I never responded to these) and asking eventually if we were no longer talking.

My feeling right now is not even to ever contact him again, he has sort of pushed me past the flex point on this one. I sort of felt the "click" inside when i went from communicating with him to just not ever wanting to talk to him again. It's weird how that happens.

 

[Spamtar]

^ ouch thats messed. Sounds more like "semifatal attraction" than typical jerk, but they can be much worse than typical jerks too.

 

[Totenkindly]

Yeah, pain in ass.

I don't like having to lock someone out; but if you invade my space too far, it just clamps down and tends to stick that way. Typical jerks are actually easier; it's harder to be sure you're doing the right thing if the guy is nice in some ways or just sort of screwed up.

 

[Tallulah]

I don't attract the jerks, but I do attract the people who are, in Lamens terms: "Not quite the ticket". The sort of people who are ostracized for their weird behaviour. I feel sorry for them, so in stead of ignoring them like everyone else, I say hi to them as I walk past. They take this as a sign of friendship and insist on following me around. I look like the weird piper.

Oh, my, yes. I seem to have patience for the oddballs, the annoying folk, the broken toys. To a certain point. I can tolerate all manner of quirk that other people can't, if I feel like the person is well-meaning. Though if they are too demanding, show the crazy, or want to glom onto me unnecessarily, my tolerance wanes fast.

i think honestly you have already answered your own question.

• We can tolerate and/or accept lots of different types without apparent judgement. Not only that, but we can aspects of value/virtue within the majority of human beings, I think, even if parts of them suck; other people might be more apt to reject wholesale, if they find certain parts they do not like.
• Our lack of visible emotional reaction lets others behavior as they wish... maybe even encourages them to act out if they want to find out where the "boundaries" are (because they usually get most people to respond to their behavior and they want to understand why we don't).
• Note how you never did challenge this guy or reframe the relationship... you just avoided him. You avoided. He never knows that you don't like him, at best he just notices you avoiding him.... so he'll never change. That's another INTP issue... we abdicate the relational space rather than fighting and reclaiming some of it; we fall prey to abrasive people this way. (On another forum with REALLY introverted INTPs, they were having a troll issue... and people were actually suggesting really crazy responses, like either shutting down the whole forum to avoid the troll, or creating a forum within the forum and essentially letting the trolls have the main part of the forum, or.... just absolutely nuts... but a natural weakness of the INTP taken to an extreme. They did not know how to interact with and put boundaries on the troll, so they all wanted to avoid and hide!)

Feel free to vent, though, what you describe would be annoying to me too.

Wow, that really hits home! And that last bit about the troll--that just kind of encapsulates the whole thing, doesn't it? Fascinating.

 

[Spartacuss]

On another forum with REALLY introverted INTPs, they were having a troll issue... and people were actually suggesting really crazy responses, like either shutting down the whole forum to avoid the troll, or creating a forum within the forum and essentially letting the trolls have the main part of the forum, or.... just absolutely nuts... but a natural weakness of the INTP taken to an extreme. They did not know how to interact with and put boundaries on the troll, so they all wanted to avoid and hide!)

Very interesting. Would you mind sharing what forum of INTPs this was that all wanted to avoid and hide - or where this was the consensus? We're not the most belligerent type but even so, these sound like wimps of a higher order.

 

[entropie]

yes !