• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

INTP/ENFJ relationship questions answered


New member
Jun 4, 2016
Instinctual Variant
I’m an INTP female in a relationship with an ENFJ male.
I’m going to answer these questions from my own personal experience and perspective, because I don’t know much about other INTP/ENFJ relationships in general.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- Why are they attracted to each other? How to they complement each other? How compatible do you think these two types are in general?

I think once they get over the initial misunderstandings and mishaps, the two personalities can complement each other quite nicely and both parties can appreciate that the other balances them out.

There are many reasons as to why I'm attracted to him, and I could probably write a whole other essay on it xD But I'll try and keep it brief.
He is really nice, and genuinely seems to care about everyone's well being which makes me love him even more. I'm usually pretty blunt and not emotional at all, so I like the fact than he can sort of fill that void and teach me how not to be such a heartless creature sometimes. His extroversion is also probably a good thing for me in the long run. He being the social butterfly that he is forces me to go out of my comfort zone and meet other people... instead of just continuing to be a hermit at home playing games and what not.

We both never seem to run out of things to talk about, and we both enjoy discussing big ideas and endless possibilities about almost anything.
And probably one of the most convenient thing is that I am the queen of indecisiveness and procrastination (I like keeping options open to the very last minute), and he likes to make decisions and getting things done. I kind of need someone with those qualities, or nothing gets done. He likes schedules and being organised, and I'm just happy that at least one of us is.

I still really don’t understand what he sees in me, apart from the fact that I am pretty low maintenance and can always remain objective to criticism, so I don’t really get emotional over little things. I’m a blunt, no bullshit kind of person… so maybe he appreciates honesty?
Maybe an ENFJ can answer that?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have? What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?

In my experience, my ENFJ partner doesn't seem to care at all what the world thinks of him at all... I swear, that dude has no shame >.<
BUT when it comes to me specifically, I've noticed he needs validation from me (both verbal and physical).

I, as an INTP, am not romantic at all and I tend to show little emotion.
At the beginning of our relationship, I had to learn to be careful about what I say bluntly or be aware that I'm not rejecting his affection, because if I didn't match his level of affection (which was a lot for me to handle at the time), he would think that something was wrong and equate that to me not liking him as much. He would start to feel unloved, neglected and get depressed because of that.

From my perspective back then, I didn't really understand why he was so upset all of the time so easily. I often felt smothered and annoyed with all the emotion and how intrusive to my personal bubble it felt at the beginning of the relationship, I also used to feel that his "protectiveness" was a little bit controlling. I constantly felt emotionally exhausted and stressed out because I felt like he was coming on to me too strong and too fast.

It’s very different now though, because now we both understand how each of us expresses affection and takes affection. I don’t get annoyed at the constant affection anymore, instead I find it quite endearing. And he doesn’t get upset as much anymore now as he knows I’m not trying to be cold, I’m just being myself and he knows that I love him just as much. It still really, really makes him happy (like, eyes sparkle happy...) to receive words and touches of affection from me though, so I do try to fulfil that as much as I can.

- How can they take each other for granted?

This is something I seriously have to work on. I sometimes feel guilty because he always puts me first (often forgetting his own needs), while I just tend to do my own thing obliviously.
He thinks it’s funny, laughs at me about this and tells me not to change. But I think it’s important that I do in this case, my needs aren’t any more important than his.

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?

INTPs, make sure you take some time to do something special once in awhile. It goes a really long way for ENFJs to show your appreciation of them. If you don’t, you may end up making the other person feel used and taken for granted because all they do is give, but nothing gets reciprocated.
I’m pretty sure most people would feel shitty from getting that kind of treatment.

ENFJs, we like our personal space and can get anxious if you come onto us too strongly and too quickly. We are generally not used to so much attention, so it may be overwhelming at the beginning. Maybe take things slower?
And also, we might be a little bit weird and awkward with showing our affection… please bear with us xD