[ISTP] HELP: ENFP looking fro advice with ISTP relationship!!

[sns77]

Hey everyone!

I cannot stop overthinking and overanalyzing things and I am in need of some serious help/advice from other ISTPs on my ISTP boyfriend. I apologize in advance for all the length and repetitiveness lol (I am as ENFP as they come). So basically we started dating almost 2 years ago and I fell so hard for him. Our entire relationship has been long distance due to school. He is one of the greatest people I know, and I know how much he cares about me (even if he doesn't use his words) but he started to be different around spring last year. Like very distat and seemed annoyed with me a lot. He was incredibly stressed with school, graduating, and finding a job. A couple months after that he accepted a job across the country and I could tell things were getting worse. He stopped wanting to talk, he got very closed off, and I felt as if he didn't want to talk to or be with me. Eventually I asked him what was going on and we broke up. I was completely heart broken and confused. We didn't talk for 5 months, but out of nowhere he texted me this long message apologizing for how he acted and for how he treated me. He told me I deserved better. He told me he knew now what he did then was due to the stress of school and moving across the country. Everything picked up where we left off. He started to be like it was when our relationship was great. I saw him twice over Christmas and New Years and everything was great. We agreed to only be dating each other but to just see how things go with the distance until I graduate next year. He has really been struggling with loneliness because it has been so hard for him to make friends, he lives alone, and is constantly wanting to do things but not alone. It is like a different world where he is and he cant seem to find anyone like him. I have tried so hard to be encouraging and helpful to him but lately he has started acting different again. He has been in a mood and not very talkative, so I try and give him some space. Then last week an incident occurred where I had not heard from him all day so I was worried and texted him and called him. He had gone to a movie and I guess by the time he had called it was really late my time and I was frustrated with him and slightly took it out on him. He like shut down and I could tell he was bothered. Then a couple days later we were skyping and he was in the worst mood I have ever seen him in. I tried to talk to him and he kept saying he was tired of being stuck on his phone and having all his interactions through the phone. After talking for hours he ended up basically saying he felt "tied down" and wanted to take a few steps back and talk less... we ended on that and he said maybe like every other day. We hung up and I haven't heard from him. He didn't text and check up on me or ask if I made it home safely. Yesterday he let our snapchat streak go (yes I'm a millennial lol) and I watched his snapchat count and he had been snapping somebody all day like A LOT. He never snapchats anyone but me. So now I am thinking he is talking to someone else. We have never had trust issues but I am almost positive thats what it is. I am so annoyed with him because he said he doesn't want to be on his phone all the time but he has been. He told me the other night when we talked that he didn't wanna burn the bridge like he did last time. I was getting over him from when he did this last time and then he comes back in and tries to get me back and when he does he wants to take a step back? So I am not sure what to do.. If I should give him his space.. or tell him how I feel and confront him. I feel like he just wants to keep me around in case something better doesn't come along. But I know he loves me and is just really lonely. I feel like this is becoming a repeat of last time and if we break up he is going to regret it again once he realizes what he has done. Haha so help please. Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated because I am going crazy and cant take much more heartache. Sorry again its solong lol

 

[Snow as White]

This entire post is you worrying about him and what you need to do for him.

So what do you need? It sounds like you need someone who is: stable and consistent and interested in you for you not just because you are a distraction from negative things like loneliness. None of these things are being filled by the ISTP at this time. It doesn't matter what he has done in the past, there is a new paradigm of behavior at hand.

It doesn't matter if his skin is formed by the glitter of a million suns and that his smile is what powers the center of the galaxy: he is not worth the heartache you are experiencing.

From what you describe he sounds on the immature side and someone who wants to avoid unpleasant emotions by any means possible, with no thought as to how it may affect others. His new radio silence signifies that the pattern he established when he enacted scorch earth tactics is what is going to happen again and again.

If this were me, I would extricate myself from the situation completely. Block email and phone and social media. Don't check his social media accounts to get updates that will upset you.

I wish I had something better to say to make you feel better today, but I hope that what I say can help you feel better in the future.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Yesterday he let our snapchat streak go (yes I'm a millennial lol) and I watched his snapchat count and he had been snapping somebody all day like A LOT.

Keep your dignity, and don't put your nose inside his business. Don't act jealous as it will only drive him away further. Give him the space he needs.

The most important thing here is, you should've never get back with someone just because they're feeling lonely. If they're feeling lonely, anyone can fill that space, and you become easily expendable.


Give him space, and don't be too agreeable when he comes back, nor too passive-aggressive. Assert your value and draw the line by telling him how you feel about the situation. Grant him the clemency of telling him you want to work through this pattern that is re-emerging again because you don't want it to end like last time. And this time, if it ends, it would be for your best.

 

[Tilt]

I don't think he's cut out for a long-distance relationship and secretly wants someone local who he can hang out with and touch. So you deserve someone who treats you better and as a priority.

 

[Yay]

Although I haven't personally been in a long distance, I would imagine it wouldn't work for too long unless you had the opportunity to see each other. It's not necessarily personal , it just has to do with distance.

I just wanna hug you! I am also a millennial and I know the feeling of waiting for responses and stuff on snap. I know exactly how that feels.

He doesn't like the long distance. He wants someone he can be with physically with as well. Consequently he feels tied down. He may have feelings, but it can still be hard for him when he can't see you physically or picture ever being able to.


I'm really hoping things work out for you somehow. It might not be with him though. I mean, I don't think you guys need to talk EVERY day. Your relationship would probably more stable if you were closer in distance. That's the main thing.

 

[Grusdytre]

Long distance works for a while. Eventually, he'd want someone he can hold.

Our emotions are vulnerable.