Feels

[Bilateral Entry]

I still love my best friend. Well, we've had an incredibly tumultuous year and a half. We haven't spoken much, and she says that she doesn't love me anymore. We were best friends for 3 years, through the toughest and most depressive time in my life. I grew so much during that time period. I don't know how it happened, but one day I found myself in love with her (before our falling out). I can't help it; I still love her, and I still want her. I know there's low compatibility now (it used to be better, but people change), and we piss each other off a lot, but I can't help it. She's larger than life and really special to me. I wish that she still loved me, and I wish that she wanted me. You can't always get what you want, though. So we move on and play through the pain. Walk it off, walk it off.

I love my girlfriend too, although, I'd have to say, not as much. 3 years of bonding through the toughest part of my life takes a long time to match up to. I can't help it.

I try to forget and move on, but my feelings for the [ex]best-friend always come back to haunt me. Something tells me I just have to love her and be in love with her, and let that reside on the surface. I need to outlet it. Maybe then I'll feel better.

And, something tells me I like loving and wanting her. I don't want to lose it. These feelings are special to me. It's amazing that I grew to feel so deeply about someone. It makes me feel more... human. Rather, I like this part of being human. That we're warm and sentimental creatures. I don't like how people can just forget someone and move onto the next best thing.

 

[skylights]

Well, forgive my random visit to your blog, but one more thought.

Love is intrinsic to you... it flows from you. You can't lose it... those feelings come from deep within you and are not dependent on the object of your love, though they may have been drawn out by her once upon a time. Your humanity wells within you and warmth and sentiment flow throughout your being. You can let go... that ability to give love will stay with you, yours to keep. You know you will never forget her and never stop feeling deep compassion for her. But pouring more and more of yourself into something that is not there will not ease the deepest pain, nor will it recreate what once was... it's a sad, cathartic kind of painful to let go but we wither as we suppress ourselves and cage our love in dreams of what cannot be. And it sounds like there is another who could really use your love...

I know because I have been here, too. I spent years there. Trust yourself and let go... you have nothing to lose.